A
male
age
30-35,
*erberus_Raphael
writes:I met her at uni. I wasn't in her class for the first term, so she added me on Facebook and we started messaging each other.It wasn't every day or anything, but often enough.Not long after, I met up with her at a student pub. I was out with a couple of friends and she was with hers, but we ended up spending most of the night just talking to each other. At the end of it I asked her to dinner and she said yes, but it didn't happen. She told me later that she wanted to get her life together first, because she wanted to do this right.So for the rest of the term, we just stuck to texting each other, lightly flirting and all that. We had lunch of a couple of times too, but that's it.After a couple of months, in January, I switched back to my original class, with her. She's got anxiety issues, so we didn't really talk or interact that much in class. She'd always sit either next to me or right behind me and we wouldn't talk (class is quite small), but she'd do these cute little playful things.Then at the beginning of March I went on a trip for about three days. The whole time I was there, she would text me, but when I came back, everything was suddenly different. She still sat next to me or around me, but we didn't say anything or do anything. More and more I found I was the one texting her and the energy was just different.I asked her out to lunch to test things. Somehow that turned into dinner, only the energy was different -- though I should say, this took place over text, so I don't know if this is just in my head -- and it felt like she wasn't that into it. We couldn't make our schedules work, so we compromised and turned it into a lunch date instead.The actual "lunch" seemed okay, though I didn't get the kiss at the end. I left it and she texted me a day later, showing me the makeshift vase she got for the flowers I bought her. We joked around a bit and I left it. The one class we had after that (before classes moved online), we didn't really talk at all. She sat next to me, but she was on her phone the entire time.I asked her about it-- told her that things felt different, that I still liked her, but that I didn't know what this was anymore. She only said she didn't feel like anything was different.I should add: A couple of silent days later, we ended up talking for four hours on the phone and it seemed normal again. She even sang to me (a couple of anime theme tunes and "Apple of My Eye"). But I haven't heard from her since, and I have a feeling if I don't text her, I won't hear from her. It's only been two days since that call.What makes it worse is that I was really falling for her. Even if she isn't interested, I thought we were at least friends. It doesn't feel like we are anymore.What do you guys think?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 March 2020):
 Sounds like she sees you as a friend more than a romantic option, maybe because she has too much on her plate as things stand with her anxiety etc.
So if I were you, I stop trying so hard to be anything else but classmates and friends. She doesn't seem willing/able to give more than she is right now, accept it for what it is.
If you want more, she isn't it.
Trying to be her friend while waiting her for to get herself "in order" to DATE, is wasting your time. I think If she REALLY REALLY wanted to date you, she would.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): You were given an explanation. She has anxiety-issues. The average laymen has no idea what that means; and those that do would understand that sufferers are often unreliable, given to mood-swings, engulfed in worry; and overwhelmed by nerves and overthinking. She doesn't seem to care to go beyond what she told you, but you are persistent. People with anxiety-disorder don't cope well with problems, or handle pressure, without becoming anxious or tense. It overwhelms them. Not to dismiss the possibility that she's just not that into you.
Flirting may be as far as it goes; and just being friendly and sweet may be her personality. Some guys need a cold-hard "slap-in-the-face" rejection to get the point. Some can take a hint, which is respectful.
Your post is somewhat indicating your forlorn frustration; and this is what dealing with someone with anxiety-disorder can be like. Even friendship can be difficult when she's dealing with personal-problems; or just stressing about grades and other matters. She could dwell on a single worry or issue for days. Unable to shake it off. Depending on how severe her disorder happens to be. Giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's being truthful, and not just jerking you around. Sometimes people were never really clinically diagnosed for anxiety-disorder; but adopt the label as an excuse for being a flake or toying with people. It gets people to cater to them; or treat them like they're special. I've met a few! I've just distanced myself from them; when I determined they weren't receiving any kind of therapy. Why wouldn't they, if they really needed it???
Step-away from this, and rethink if you just want to be friends. If I had to judge from your post, you're not looking for only a friend. You want romance and possibly a girlfriend. This young-woman is trying to keep a reasonable-distance between you; so you won't keep pressuring her to date you, and with the hope to form some kind of romance. You can take "no" for an answer...right? Sometimes "no" isn't said in words; but demonstrated by behavior that keeps you at a distance. Men need to learn that! Being receptive to flattery or attention is nice, but it's not permission. You have to be careful not to get your signals crossed these days!
Please lighten-up and just give this young-lady her space. I suggest that you seek romance someplace else; preferably with a young-woman keenly receptive to seeking something romantic, and then you won't have to try so hard. She seems to have offered you "friendliness" to the extent she is comfortable with. If that's not enough, then back-off altogether. Don't let your male-ego or sense of entitlement push the envelope! Take a chill-pill! If this is a ruse, then don't make a fool of yourself.
You are old enough to know; but in the event that you don't, you're better-off not trying to pursue "friendship" with a person who has rejected your romantic-pursuits. After your attempt to make a romantic-connection has failed, distance yourself until your amorous-attraction for the person has subsided. That means all feelings are neutralized to what is considered "platonic." You will otherwise find yourself trying to manipulate her to show you affection she doesn't have for you. Flirting doesn't mean anything. It's just what people do, because nature designed us to react with certain emotions when we are flattered with attention. It's a reflex to flirt back when a nice person flirts with you. That is not always an invitation to go for it! Especially when they dodge your contact, go silent to messages, or consistently cancel or reschedule meet-ups. I would not call it a date, if she won't!
All that happens when you keep chasing someone who won't be caught is frustration on your part; and you'll stubbornly keep attempting to change her mind. In her case, that would only increase her anxiety. If she's a people-pleaser, it's hard to hurt your feelings. If she's playing you along, dodging your messages and canceling on you should turn-on a light upstairs!
What you do consciously doesn't always coincide with what you're thinking and feeling subconsciously. You'll pretend to be a friend; while trying to force her to respond to your affection for her. Then you'll form an unrelenting-infatuation that borders on obsession. That's when you'll get angry, label her a bitch or a tease, and things get messy. Don't press the issue! Trust me, while friends, you'll be jealous when other guys flirt!
If you can't let-go and move on; then you may have already crossed the line. For her, that's unfortunate. You're another problem to deal with.
Sitting around you is friendly, it's no indication you're a thing. She thinks it's lovely that you like her. You're her buddy in class! I wouldn't pursue it any further.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 March 2020):
 I think that you’re wasting your time here massively.
You like her, she doesn’t like you back. It’s obvious, if she did there would be effort on her side. It sounds like you’re doing all the leg work and getting nothing in return. I think you’re trying to convince yourself that you’d be happy with a friendship but deep down I don’t think you would or else you wouldn’t be here asking a question about it, if you weren’t bothered you’d just let the situation die down and whatever happens happens.
You’ve told her that you like her, she doesn’t get a better opportunity than that to tell you how she feels. She said nothing therefore that’s as clear as it’s going to get that this isn’t going anywhere. Not to mention that your schedules never ‘align’. NOBODY is that busy that they couldn’t set up a date with someone that they’re romantically interested in, you’re just not a priority in her life to make time for and that’s why you’re just going round in circles.
Forget about this one man, move on.
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