A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i am a 21 yr old who is dating a 33 yr old man. He left his wife for me and i believe he loves me very much as do i him. He has 3 kids who absolutely dispise me as well as alot of financial stuff from his past with his wife.I know his wife is still in love with him and i just found out they still talk to each other and maybe even have sex cuz i read a conversation and they talked about when they used to have sex. They have not started any divorce stuff and i wonder if my relationship with him can last.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni honestly dont feel like i am doing anything wrong. I know i am kinda stressed out about his wife but i believe him when he says he will never go back to her.he is unhappy because his kids wont go near him because of me so maybe i am just being paranoid. why would he tell her and me he is finished with his marriage if he really isnt. He even tells his kids hes not coming back even though it hurts them so he must be telling the truth?
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male
reader, AHYOKA  +, writes (16 May 2008):
You get what you deserve. It's absolutely immoral to have a relationship with another woman's man, married or not married.On top of that he had children, of course they despise you, and quite right to do so. You are all the kind of woman that us. He is a cheat, he went "cheap" his wife should live him, take the kids and everything possible from him. He should live you in the gutter where you home-wrecker belong.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Because, even though he made me feel like the most special pebble on the beach at the time, i knew deep down his morals didn't match up to mine, and i couldn't get my head round how he could lie to her the way he was.
I just wouldn't of trusted him in the long run.
I got with someone a couple of years ago that had literally just split from someone after being with her 6 yrs, and it was messy to say the least. She didn't want to lose him and made life very difficult for us, and they didn't even have children together, although she did have a teen daughter herself who he had bought up for 6 yrs.
I just wouldn't go there again now with anyone thats so soon out a relationship. We did split after a year and he was straight back in her bed twice (ok 2 weeks later) believe it or not we got back together after a few months split, but i never trusted him, always felt she would be part of our lives, and we split january just gone. We are still good mates and he would like to try again, i dont. As a mate he is great, but i dont want him as a lover. He's happy with friends, and he hasn't spoken to his ex since last year when they slept together twice (which he blamed on the fact he loved me so much, was gutted and his head was all over the place) but the damage is done.
I know it sounds like i'm being picky, but if i ever meet someone thats, say, less than 6 months out a relationship, i will be walking on by.
C xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhlskitten...how long did your relationship with that man last and why are you glad today that its over?
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female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Leave them to get on with their marriage, it is nothing to do with you and you have no rights over him. Having a relationship with someone who is married is asking for trouble and you will never end up as his wife, and to be really honest would you want to? Once someone cheats especially when there are children involved they rarely change.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Hi,
Although I agree that a married man should be off limits, it depends on the situation. There must be trouble at home, because if he was happy he wouldnt have gone with you would he?. Its true that sometimes the grass can look greener, and you could be just someone that has helped him make up his mind and leave. Nobody can garantee that he wont go back, but that can also work in reverse.
If you feel that he is not being honest, and is still sleeping with his wife, then tell him what you know and how you feel. If he gets angry he is probably guilty, and you should show him the door. Let him know that you wont put up with it, and make a firm stand. Tell him that if he cant show some respect towards you then he should go back to his wife, and let them get on with it.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (24 April 2008):
He doesn't know you know he still talks to her? I wont scroll up again, its too long, but didn't you say he had children? Of course he's still talking to her? Or does he not have anything to do with the children? What does that tell you, if thats the case.
It might work out, but i think deep down you know the chances of that are pretty slim, just by what you have said.
Love is lots of things, he might of thought he didn't love her anymore because what he has with you is different. So yes, he might even think he loves you more. But i am wondering if he's starting to realise the grass isn't always greener, and he does infact still love her for all the reasons he's been with her this long and had children with her.
Keep your wits about you.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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female
reader, louweez23 +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Not a chance. There's a reason why they say a married man never leaves his wife. Because he doesn't.
Even if he physically leaves her he will still have an emotional attachment for the rest of his life.
And whatsmore, as he hasn't even made any move to divorce her he is still married (and therefore still comitted) to her.
You are just an interloper who has come into their marriage in which they were probably having a few difficulties and you have given him some temporary relief from his problems.
Whilst you are putting yourself in the middle of his marital problems he hasn't really got any incentive to sort them out.
The decent thing you could do is get out of the relationship and give them a chance to sort things out. If it doesn't work out he will eventually divorce her and then you're in with a chance, or you may have moved on, but at the moment you're just adding to his confusion. So get out. You don't belong there.
And in future stay away from married men. They're NOT available.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesnt know that i know that he still speaks to her, for some reason he doesnt want anyone to know(specially me) that he is speaking to her. i dont think he wants me to be uncomfortable in thinking he may go back to her, he is protecting my feelings
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe says he cant afford the divorce right now, and i trust him because he tells me he doesnt love her anymore, if he left he must love me more then her?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Why hasn't he filed for divorce? What does he say when you ask him? Do you ask him? How can you ever really trust him? With his track record you'll always have that nagging doubt that he's doing something behind your back. The guy is playing both of you but when push gets to shove you'll be the one left in the dust.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 April 2008):
He left her in the first place because he thinks the grass is greener. Maybe was a tad bored. And a whole lot flattered! Hes over 10 yrs older than you, of course he would be. If he is still having sex with her, which you said you suspect he is? Then its clear they aren't done and dusted. Relationships that start before a previous is finished have very low success rates in the long run.
C xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat i don't understand is if he wanted his wife then why did he leave her in the first place and now living with me, it has been 5 months now and we tell each other we love each other all the time and we are happy, maybe he is just not used to talking to his wife that way cuz they were together for so long??
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 April 2008):
Hi
He has children with his ex, she is older and more mature than you, men are notoroius for creature comforts and comfort zones of what they are used to. They aren't done and dusted. He is flattered you want him, but his mid life crisis will pass, he will miss home and he will hot foot it back to his family at some point. I dont expect there will everb be a divorce. He is making sure the life he really knows is still there waiting. And it is.
How do i know? because ive been in a very similar situation myself many moons ago! Only i was 29 and he was 47. Looking back im glad we didnt last, i wouldnt want to be with someone that much older than me now, or someone that cheats on their wife. Oh the lessons we learn in life..
Good luck.
C xxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): He is just using you. As far a the money goes that is what they made together. You should get none of it. As far as the childeren go you should think how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You should be ashamed of yourself. What comes around goes around. I cannot believe that you think anyone should feel sorry for you.
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Cheating can be emotional too...I had an ex who was a great boyfriend but still held a big flame for his ex girlfriend, and because of that I felt I lacked in trust and felt insecure - yet he could never understand why because he'd never physically done anything with her!
Do you see yourself happy with this man? Can you feel totally fulfilled and emotionally secure with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni understand where everyone is coming from but what if we didnt have sex until he left his wife, is that still cheating??
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (23 April 2008):
Hun...It doesn't sound like you have alot of trust in him...Which rightly you wouldn't because he cheated on his wife to be with you.
You're young...Wouldn't you rather hold out for a relationship where you don't have an ex wife to compete with, you don't have his children hating you and making your life misery, where you actually trust your guy and DON'T expect him of still sleeping with his ex?
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reader, Ares  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Anon, I totally agree with Collaroy. You need to tell him to go home and then make yourself unavailable after that point. Yes it is going to hurt and there will be tears, but if he can't make the break himself from his past, you need to do it for the both of you.I am currently with a great woman after my marriage fell over, but I made sure that I closed one chapter prior to another beginning. Do not expect the kids to like you as you were the other woman, and you are the antichrist in their and the ex's eyes. I am able to speak on this as my fiancee has a great relationship with the kids as she was not the reason I split from the ex and came onto the scene at a later stage.If you are having doubts about his fidelity or intents, if you are you need to address them for yourself. You know the old saying about the 3 types of people in the world, those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. It is now time for you to chose which one you are.Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): First, of all he is married.
He made a commitmment to his wife. If they are going through a rough patch - it does not mean that they will decide to get a divorce. Why did you get involved with a married man in the first place?
Think about it, if he actually left his wife and got married to you, do you think you would be any different? I am sure there will always be another 21 year old out there wanting him to leave his wife.
Leave the married man alone!
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male
reader, DearSteve +, writes (23 April 2008):
 This is a tricky one. You’ve fallen in love with somebody who you now share your life with, but it’s not that simple for your partner, especially with children involved. Every situation is different, but there is no doubt some loose ends to tie up with regard to their marriage, the children etc. and they have to take care of that at their own pace as emotions are most likely to be raw. If you’re willing to see this through, do not expect an easy ride from his children. You are, for all intense and purposes, the ‘other woman’ in their eyes, and it will take time for them to see you as anything other than that. Is he sleeping with his ex? That’s a good question. He didn’t have any problem initiating an intimate relationship with you whilst he was with his wife, and to a certain extent you’ll also have doubts, but you have to trust that you – and he – have made the right decision in being together. You’ll find the competition you feel you have with his ex will cease. Patience is the key here. You have to give your partner and his ex time to sort things out, and give him space to sort himself out before you can take this relationship forward and establish it on it’s own merits.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Hi,
It doesnt look too promising. Your new boyfriend has brought a whole heap of baggage with him to this new relationship. Trouble lurks on the horizon the longer you are with him (dare I say once the honeymoon period wears off), his children are a big draw as is his ex wife - who by the looks of it is prepared to take him back. You have some serious competing forces against you and it looks like a battle which you will have to sacrifice a lot to win. Then you have to ask yourself is it worth winning?
If I were you at your stage in life, I would tell him to go back to his wife. Why do you want this drama in your life at such a young age, you should be out whooping it up with your friends experiencing the variety of life not being cooped up with a married man who has the ex wife and kids tugging at his heartstrings.
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