A
male
age
36-40,
*abactus
writes:I don't know how to deal with her or this pain. I was going to be a daddy. That was taken from me. The child was too young for me to know the sex but I felt it was a boy, I don’t know why but I do. We were about one month pregnant when we broke up, the child wasn’t the reason, we had on going issues. She did not want to be the single mother of two so she decided to abort our child. I did what I could to save him but it wasn’t enough. I even offered to take the child and get out of her life so that she did not have to be responsible. She went to the clinic anyway and ended the pregnancy. She chose to kill my child rather than let me raise him. I was “Da Da” to her son from a previous relationship and love him dearly and father to her unborn child. In the course of a week I have lost two children. I have been asking myself if I could have done more to say my baby. I really don’t know the answer to that. I don't know what to do about her. I am filled with so much anger, hate, shame, guilt and sorrow. How can I not hate her?
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male
reader, iateadonut  +, writes (12 July 2008):
anonymous writer right below me:yeah. i agree. i think roe v wade was about 4th amendment rights - like, the government can't possibly know if someone's pregnant, so they can't stop the crime.(Actually, I just looked it up, they site the 14th and 9th amendments.)"...woman's privacy is no longer sole and any right of privacy she possesses must be measured accordingly. "but, in this case, it seems that roe v wade would support the father's decision on this, but i don't think such a case has been heard by the supreme court.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): If women can hold men financially responsible for children that were accidentally conceived, then men should have some similar equal rights over the decision to abort. (And that goes for BOTH ways that this decision can be disagreed upon.)
Sorry to the militant-anti-male types out there, but equality is a double edged sword.
I'll give females the 51% power in these situations because it's inside her body. But the whole thing needs a lot more judicial attention in general.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): I had to do a double take as I read your message, wondering if I had forgotten that I posted my own story here. The female commentator is only spouting the feminazi party line. I agree that women should have the right to make decisions regarding their own bodies, but what a tragedy you and I have been forced to live through! No one should ever be faced with the decision to have an abortion or not, but the reality is different than what we would wish. Ultimately, it's the women in Western society who are in control, and they have managed to reserve all reproductive rights to themselves. But all that ideological, social commentary is pointless when you are faced with such a magnitude of loss. At heart, it's a personal experience, not a political one. People who have never been through it don't know any better than to comment without any real basis for understanding what it feels like. In America they have a right to speak, but that doesn't mean that they should speak. You can't understand what it feels like unless you've been through it: to fail in such a profound way that you don't know why you should go on.Men have no rights in this situation, which leads to a feeling of powerlessness in addition to all the other emotional factors in play.I'm sorry for your loss. Know that in time, if you deal with how you are feeling now and don't try to ignore it, you will eventually be able to accept your failure, and live with it. Life goes on. At least, yours does. Life is an opportunity -- one that your unborn child never had -- that should never be wasted. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Tough as it might feel for you, she has every right to make that decision. It is her body, not yours.
She made a common sense decision. Your relationship was ending. There was no chance a child could be brought up in a loving, caring environment with two parents. She did what was best for everyone under very difficult circumstances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): I feel sorry for what you are going through and have great empathy with youl
HOWEVER
I suggest you go for counselling; get some help to deal with all the "hate, shame, guilt and anger". It is not healthy keeping that bottled up inside you; dealing with it on your won is not easy and not always effective;
Get help, deal with your emotions and then start looking forward to a future with a loving wife and have planned pregnancies, and be a good dad to thhose little ones!
Be strong; best wishes
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): God takes care of his own so you will see your little boy again.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Well if she ended the relationship that just makes it all the more bitter.
But as I said, how would the world work if one person could determine what another should do.
Allow men to have a say in abortion and would women then gain the right to demand we have a vasectomy (far lighter on us then birth control is on a woman).
I don't have a solution except that you got to get over this and accept that sometimes just life isn't fair. She has to life with the abortion just as you and unlike you, she actually had that life inside of her.
Let it go or you will become as bitter a person as the anonymous male.
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A
male
reader, Sabactus +, writes (28 June 2008):
Sabactus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo LazyGuy,She was the one who ended the relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Typical.
BOTH parents should have to agree on an Abortion if, as in this case, both are capable of raising a child.
Otherwise it should be illegal and harsh, and I mean harsh... I'm talking 15-20 years in prison, should be enforced if the abortion is performed.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Her body, her rights. Maybe you should stick to knocking up women who want children?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (28 June 2008):
Life isn't perfect. While two people are involved with creating a baby, delivering it into the world all comes down on the shoulders of the woman.
It is easy to say for you to your EX that she should have carried the baby to full-term. You could go about your life as normal, date, work, study, she would be the one bloating up like a hippo and going through a hormonal hurricane.
Then you suggest she should simply give up the baby to you afterwards. Again, a highly emotional situation.
So, with a distinct in-balance in the delivery of children the law has put the choice in the woman's hands. Women get to decide the abortion. What would be the alternative? Where would you set the limit? Should a 'man' who dumped his pregnant girlfriend get a veto on what she should do with the rest of her life? Perhaps only a man who is there for his partner should have a veto. Or maybe you would even say a rapist has a veto on his victim?
Why do I use the word veto? Because you can't have a democracy of two. Saying that since two people are involved they should have equal votes doesn't work.
Basically, you ended the relationship, that ended any say you had in this decision. You do NOT get to control her life anymore. This is perhaps not perfect perhaps you are, despite leaving a pregnant woman on her own, a decent guy and would have made a fantastic dad but this world is not perfect.
Unless you can sit back and say that no blame attaches to you for what happens, then you can't really blame her for what happened.
Why don't you mention paying for the doctors visits, because you didn't right? I see also no mention of aiding her financially during the pregnancy.
You may want to claim you are a good guy deep down and would be responsible for this kid, but you weren't responsible enough to use a condom in a relationship that was already in trouble. That for me is the biggest killer for giving you a say of her body/life.
You are hurting, that is understandable but try to put yourself in her shoes and look honestly at your own behavior. Then you might understand that she felt she had no choice.
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A
male
reader, andre6589 +, writes (28 June 2008):
think of all the things that made you fall in love with her. also try to understand that it couldnt have been easy for her to have an abortion either.. just be there for her. dont be another problem for her to deal with.. i know that may be hard to do rite now in your state of grief, but its something to consider
just my opinion
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