A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4 years and I have just had a fight before I'm due to go away for over 2 weeks on the holiday of a lifetime. He had asked me to come round to visit him tonight before I go, and I told him I'd try my best but I'd need to see what time I finished work and if I had everything ready to go. I told him to call me when he finished work and I'd let him know then.So my work was crazy and I ended up staying later than I would have liked. I got home at 8pm and started getting things organised (last minute ironing, packing, hair removal and that sort of thing). While I was doing that, a friend of mine stopped by to give me some money she owed me. I invited her in (it'd be a bit rude not to I thought) and she ended up sitting and chatting for a while as I got on with what I needed to do.So at 10pm he called me and asked if I wanted to come round. I explained that I was still getting things organised and my friend was there too, so asked if he would come round to mine so I could see him and get my packing finished. He said sitting with me and my friend sounded rubbish so he didn't want to. I told him she wasn't going to be there for much longer but he still said no. After that he went very quiet on the phone, so I asked him if he was ok and he said no. He said he thought he would get to see me and he was mad that I'd ditched him. I told him I wasn't ditching him and he was more than welcome to come round, but he just cut me off mid sentence and said he was going to bed. I said ok, and he said 'see you in 2 weeks then' and hung up. I feel really bad now and I'm upset that this is how things are with us before I go away. But at the same time, I'm annoyed because I don't feel he tried to reach a compromise at all. I've been stressed out working so many extra hours to try to get things finished before I leave which has left me with very little time to organise things. If I went to his, I'd have to finish getting packed when I got back and I'd probably be up until the early hours doing it. Which will probably be the case now anyway since I'm on here looking for advice. Tomorrow is already going to be a very long day (4 hours travel to the airport then an 8 hour flight) so I didn't want to be really tired before I even started. Could he not have made the effort to see it from my point of view and help take the pressure off me a bit?What do people think? Was I out of order? Or am I right in feeling he could have been a bit more flexible? And should I call him? I feel uncomfortable leaving on an argument, but he knows that and knows I'll try to fix things first every time. This holiday has been booked for ages (it's with my family - he was away for a week last week and is going away again in 8 days time which is why he couldn't come too) and I've been so excited about it, but now I'm sad that I feel like I'm leaving under a bit of a cloud.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 Honeypie nailed it... he wants you to worry about him and he's sulking because you didn't put him first.
you gave him a very reasonable offer to come over and he choose to be a big baby.
enjoy your holiday
and when you get home call him like NOTHING happened... because in the span of things it was nothing more than a toddler having a temper tantrum... this too shall pass.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 Hey, put yourself in his shoes, would you not be upset if your BF did not make time to see you before he off on a two week holiday. He calls you and you have a friend over - (yes you did not invite the person over and neither did you expect the person to stay that long), from his perspective , you have time for a friend but no time for him.
Come ladies if the shoe was on your foot , you would be upset and feel that you are not important that he is not going to see you for two weeks and chose to prioritise everything else.
Its just human nature to behave the way we do. Someone needs to be calm and rational in those situation. Give him a call and let him know that you love him and miss him already and really wish you could have seen him. Just remember if you don't call it just puts a damper on your holidays and you come back to a very irritated BF, also don't give him and excuse to feel he is not important in your life. Goodluck and have fun.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 July 2013):
 Sounds to me that he is mad about your holiday without him and he wanted to pick a fight so YOU would feel bad about the holiday.
IF he wanted to see you THAT bad before leaving.. he would have come see you, as you had already told him how busy you might be.
So don't WORRY about it, ENJOY your holiday and let him sulk if he wants to.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 My family travels more often than the average person and I know that expecting you to go over there after 10 pm is unreasonable. As far as he concerns, he is the only one with needs, and you are wrong for having female friends. Makes me think he was expecting a last minute quickie before two weeks of abstinence and if he couldn't have that because you needed sleep, then f it.
You will always try to fix things first. Maybe that's why he never feels he is responsible for anything. He got angry at nothing, didn't wish you go a good trip. There is nothing to fix. I have a feeling that he feels uncomfortable if he's not your centre of universe. If he does go on the trip with your family, you will open your eyes and see how much tension he will be causing when you don't solely focus on him.
He doesn't concern you so go have fun on your trip and don't concern him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): I think he was being a little childish. I think you've spoiled him a little; because you normally go out of your way to appease and please him. I think he was being a little demanding to insist you come to him, and he not to you. He was a little jealous that your friend took your attention away from him; but for a brief moment.
A little boy, would have reacted the same as he. In the psychological since, he felt abandoned. We all feel that slight feeling of being abandoned when a loved one is late, or absent, or just not readily available when we want their attention.
It dates back to childhood; when mommy left the house and we couldn't go. He knows you'll be absent for an extended time. Even though you'll be back. You coming to him, would be a reassurance that you will not leave him, and will return for sure. It was better that you did what you did; from a psychological standpoint.
It gave him a moment to adjust to your absence. It also told the little boy, he can't always have his way. Don't feel guilty. You handled everything properly and in a sensitive and adult way. He is experiencing a little bit of separation anxiety, and we all get that just before someone dear to us is going to leave us alone for awhile. His response to your refusal to yield to his demand is by pouting and forcing you to feel guilty.
Before your departure, give him all the love and assurance you can to let him know you'll be back and you will miss him. He is reliving that moment in his childhood, when his mom had to leave him alone, and separate for the first time.
If you think back, you will recall all the times when anyone you loved left, it was like they weren't coming back. The slight panic and anxiety you feel. That nervous twitch you get in your heart. That's what he's feeling right now. Being a guy, aggressive response is easier than being emotional and whiny.
Enjoy your vacation. He'll be okay. Don't nurture his pouting, ignore it. He will manipulate you if you allow it.
There are times we must separate. When we need our own space and we have to feel our own independence. So guilt isn't the appropriate reaction to his coldness toward you.
Just kind reassurance you'll miss him is enough. Don't over-react.
Have a wonderful holiday. Your relationship is still in tact.
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