A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've created kind of a mess for myself. There is a guy I have known for around 4 years. We've expressed intrest in each other before,and things never really happened. I got with someone,and he then told me how he felt. I told him I was glad to know now,and that I would keep him in mind. At that point I kind of knew things probably werent going to work out with my boyfriend,but I didn't know the right way to end it. Eventually things did not work out with the guy I was seeing,and I remembered what he had told me. So I was going to send a message to him on facebook,but he was then dating somebody. So I told him hey,if things dont work out in the futre,let me know if your still interested. I was going to ask you out for drinks,but see that your with somebody now.He said "I'll let you know cutie." So skip forward 3 months,and they are now broken up. He texted me that they just broke up and wantd me to go out for drinks. So we went out. We had a great time together,and I thought great! Maybe things are finally going to happen for us. I actually drank more than I should have. I was drunk,he wasn't. He took me home afterwards,and I remembered how when I didn't have a car,he was picking me up from work sometimes (before me and him were seeing people),and he had asked for a kiss and I didn't do it. So I thought "well,I'm going to make up for that". So I kissed him. I only intended it to be a little goodnight kiss,but it immediately was not just a good night kiss. He asked am I sure I don't need him to walk me to the door? He asked before the kiss,and I said no,I'm fine. But when he asked again I think we both knew it wasn't just for a walk to the door. He walked in with me. I had to pee really bad,so I told him. He said do you want me to wait downstairs? I told him it doesn't mater,you can come up if you want. He sat on the bed,we kissed again and things became heated. He was never pushy at all,actually seemed a little hesitant at times,but I thought it was because he wasn't sure I really wanted to do this. He backed off and put some space between us and said "I'm really about ready to rip your cothes off."I took that as a question of "can I rip your clothes off?" But now looking back I think it was his last ditch attempt at not letting it happen. I told him go for it,or something to that effect.So,we had sex that night. It was great and he seemed happy as could be,he wasn't distant afterwards at all. He left a little while later because we both had to work early.But then the next day,he tells me that we have to be just friends for now,becaue he still has feelings for her and he didnt want things to end. I was really upset and told him so. I kind of said I didnt want to be friends because I would just get my hopes up. He has appologized over and over. He said he doesnt know why he texted me so soon after breaking up,but that he wishes he could take it all back and still have been friends.I felt bad for him and I do care for him, I said we can be friends,but not THAT kind of friends ever again. He understood and is fine with that. But he doesnt know that I secretly inside am hoping that we WILL have something more still in the future if she wont take him back. I'm here consoling him,but I'm upset too,and I don't have him to pick up the pieces for me. And I'm going to be crushed once again if they get back together.I really have feelings for him,and I'm scared. I dont want hurt,but I dont feel right to just walk away and not even be friends. He appologized so much,I know that he feels badly. But what should I do? What can I do to get it through my head that this is meant as just a friendship,and to let my feelings go,atleast for now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Sometimes you just have to make the other person's decision for them. And I would advise you make a clean break. I personally have a firm policy of NEVER being friends with someone after the sexual involvement is over, and that policy has kept me sane for quite some time. In the sometimes vague, confusing world of sexual relationships your only salvation is going to be to stay firm to your values. And if you don't have any now, get some.
I recall a time when I had met a woman and gave her my number, and sort of forgot about her as she did not call me for a long time. One day she calls me out of the blue and invites me to a club. I took her back home and had what I call a "near sex experience". We got into it and halfway through, and halfway clothed she told me she had to stop because she was thinking of someone else. I told her that she was probably never going to hear from me again.
Lastly, this guy has a "bird in hand" namely you, but he still is dwelling on the one that he left in the bushes. Find someone a little more certain of what he wants. But you have to be certain too, or this will continue throughout your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): Sadly you were his rebound, but I think you know that,so does he and he's sorry about the situation.
I think the only way you can do this is realise the times not right for anything more. Look after your heart and keep your distance, he may get back with the other girl and you will be devastated if your holding out hope for more by being his friend. He knows you like him and thats why he got in touch - so do the unexpected and stay away. x
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