A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend five years but have been apart for two as he was sent to work far away from home. We lived together for a few years before that happened but during those two years apart I feel like our relationship has been affected a lot. He is a poor communicator so we often have misunderstandings and disagreements. He doesn't resolve these well. He is a very practical and down to earth guy who also doesn't show much emotion or make me feel special. I get upset often and talk to him about it, when we have issues he says the right stuff on how to make us work but can't put it into reality. However, he recently seemed to be more pro active about us and visited me on his days off from work. To my surprise I was comfortable with him despite one or two disagreements again. Does that mean I still love him? We are planning to live together in his place within the next few weeks, this would mean me starting a complete new life. Family and friends advise that it will be easier when together, just take my time and don't expect too much too soon. I'm looking forward to the move but confused. Please help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): I meant to say:
[They] have a right to deflect your attack.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): When you described him as a "poor communicator," sometimes that observation is very subjective. Men generally don't like emotional-discussions about relationship-issues; and see them as confrontation or preface to an argument. If there is tension in the air, he knows. If every previous discussion leads to tears and a fight, he's often right.
Communication is a skill. It's not just being able to express words out-loud. Yelling is not communication, it's a form of violence.
You won't have an effective discussion if a conversation starts-out like you're about to complain about something. So you may want to checkout a few books or read some articles about effective-communication in relationships. That's going to be important if you're both moving-in together.
Sometimes misunderstandings aren't really misunderstandings. You can't expect anyone to constantly accept criticism; so they immediately get on the defensive. Thus an argument ensues. It's not good to bring up problems in the middle of a good time, a game; before or after sex. Timing and location are important.
People are more receptive when you ask them if you could talk about a problem; than when you pounce on them. Or bring it up out of the blue with the intent to blindside them with it. The have a right to deflect your attack.
When you need to discuss and resolve a problem, mutually agree on some ground-rules and when best to talk about it.
If the time never comes, assess whether the relationship is worth the trouble. It takes two.
Be willing to listen as well as talk. Don't talk about negative things when you're angry or tired. You only raise tension-levels when you hit someone with bad news the minute they walk in the door. Be considerate, anyone can have a bad day. Home is your refuge and where you decompress.
Living together does not settle or erase unresolved conflicts. It boxes you in together; and no one likes their backs to the wall. You have to get things resolved before you move in together, don't wait until you think you've got him cornered.
Don't be afraid to disagree. You're two adults with separate brains; and your own opinions and perspectives.
Learn to compromise and respect the others opinion. Even if you totally disagree. Disagreement is how you open discussion in order to compromise. It gives everyone a chance to voice their position. You try to meet in the middle. Trying too hard to be right sometimes makes us lose track of the issue, and then it's about egos and control. Learn to respect the opposing opinion; but when you can't make headway, drop the subject for another time. Never try to settle an impasse when both parties are angry.
Don't stomp around with an attitude or carry a grudges to bed. I hate the phrase "agree to disagree." That's nonsense. It means be passive-aggressive until the subject pops-up again for another round of arguments.
If it's so bad you can never settle or resolve a problem; that means you're either incompatible, or one of you is being unreasonable. Unreasonable people are inflexible, and are a waste of time. They can't see their own faults for seeing all of yours; and don't like to be informed of what they're doing wrong. Best to let them go. They are too defensive and turn the smallest disagreement into a battle.
If you need to change someone, you're with the wrong person.
I think learning to calmly and effectively talk to each other and listen, will make life living together easier.
I had to learn. I lived with a partner who was an attorney, for 28 years! It worked-out very well! But it wasn't always easy! Living together takes patience, flexibility, and adaptability. Some quirks or habits people have never change; so you have to decide if you can live with them.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 June 2017):
 I think you have the basis for something. He has made positive moves and that is something you can build on. One thing for you both to realise is never, NEVER, take each other for granted.
Make your life fun. Build something together. I hope it works for you.
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