A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why is my girlfriend so stubborn about her size and weight? When we met she was in great shape, she used to wear nice dresses and clothes. However last few years because of her rubbish diet and lack of excersise its showing. I ignored it for 2 years, she noticed and complains all the time. I encouraged her to work out and eat better only to get my head ripped off. So I left it, as her increased weight does not bother me much however it does when she complains all the time. For example if we go out, she complains she looks pregnant because of her fat. I tell her she is fine, she's not that bad, whole body is fine apart from stomach fat. Its more annoying when she complains , because my attitude is why don't you do anything about it? Someone once suggested eat healthy with her, work out with her. I tried and she realises what I'm doing and will argue about how she does not eat unhealthy (I feel like she tries to justify eating out by arguing).For me eating out destroys my body , I can lose shape. Im not even in any amazing shape jus normal. But difference is if I eat a lot out with her I will work out next week. Things like summer approaching, I usually prepare for and keep in shape. I try to take care of my diet by eating right foods (still eat junk but I try to make an effort). Bottom line is: if I know I will be fat or unhealthy , and I don't want to look like that than I have to eat healthy and work out. My gf doesn't understand that concept, she jus argues about the fact she didn't eat much all week. I cant respond with your two dress sizes bigger of course it has an effect. She looks at my friends gf, they work out and eat less shit so they are in shape, my gf will avoid them and outings. This has effect on our social life too. I wouldn't be so bothered if she was body confident.At the same time she doesn't let me work out too much lol. Im so confused and annoyed that some people can be this stubborn. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2017): Quite possibly she is hungry when you are out and what she really means is "I know I'm fat but I am starving and need to eat before I flake out!"
But you are trying to consciously choose non weight adjusting foods.
Was she previously in good shape or was she underweight?
If a guy cant put up with a few extra inches he will fall apart when she gets pregnant as the womans body changes.
Does she desire to be pregnant?
If all else fails encourage her to join a slimming group and consider she may be subliminally testing you to see if you only liked her for her super skinny body!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 July 2017):
 You know what? I don't think this will ever change. This is how she is, she's the type of person who likes to complain, but doesn't ever do anything about it. It's time to decide if this is the type of person you want to spend your time with (let alone spend your life with).
I have an ex who was sort of like your gf. He was fat. And he was in deep denial. He would look in the mirror at his belly that was flopping over his pants, and he would say it wasn't so bad, that at least it didn't flop over the pants (which it did, he was just lying to himself). And then he was all about the talk, talking about how healthy he ate, how much salad he ate (I never saw him ONCE eat a salad). He would talk about how much he went to the gym to work out (ONCE in a year and a half did he go to the gym, and it was for 30 minutes, and he barely lifted some weights). But nah, in his own head he was mr. healthy who worked out. My problem was sort of like yours, I mean come on. At least admit to yourself that you're fat, that you eat rubbish, and that you don't work out. If that's who you choose to be, fine. But be honest about it. Don't lie to me, and don't lie to yourself.
He would hold big speeches about how little sugar he ate (while I KNEW he would eat donuts every other day and eat loads of candy on weekends and he would drink sodas every single day). If I pointed out that he was wrong, that he did in fact drink sugary drinks often, he would throw an argument about it and say it was only because of this or that, or some other excuse.
It was like dating an addict who doesn't realize he's an addict, you know? He keeps on denying that he is addicted, and yet all he can talk about is his drug, and all he can talk about are all his excuses for why he should do the drug. I DID date a drug addict once, you know, so I don't draw this comparison out of the blue here. It was very much the same thing. My fat ex was always giving himself excuses to eat unhealthy, and excuses to not work out. As if he was actually eating healthy and working out, but just had slipped a couple days because of this or that. But the truth was that he gave himself a new excuse every bloody day. Yet he harped on about how he didn't know why he gained weight, or just completely denied the fact that he gained weight.
I got the same advice as you: eat healthy together, work out together. That's bullshit advice. You can't make someone else eat healthier or start healthy habits unless they actually want it themselves. That's like suggesting you can get an alcoholic person sober by not drinking yourself, and by not going to parties with them. Doesn't work. It does not work! When has that advice EVER worked? It's bullshit to think you can try and change someone. People do NOT change.
If she eats like crap and doesn't work out now, then she will not change for you, she will not start doing it just because you encourage her, and if she is in denial then she will not open her eyes to it any time soon.
What you need to do is accept that this is how she is, and decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. In my case, it became one of the many reasons why it didn't work out, and I swore I would never date a fat person again, because I don't want to end up in that same miserable situation. It affected my social life to. I wanted to go out hiking, he was too fat and too unhealthy and in poor shape to join me. I wanted to go to the gym together, he would always make up some excuse. His life style eventually started to become my lifestyle, and I hated it. I hated not being able to do normal couple's activities, because his size got in the way. Im Norwegian, btw, we LOVE to hike. We go mountain hiking all the time, it's one of those things we just do in our spare time. It's our national hobby. And while I don't run up a mountain every weekend, at least I would like to have the opportunity to do so. Well, I couldn't with him.
And then there was the issue of some fat not bothering me, but as he grew bigger and his man boobs eventually became bigger than my boobs, it became a bigger problem over all. I just didn't find him attractive any more! So there's that to consider also. But most of all, it was the lying that really got to me. That he would lie to me about what he ate. I didn't even ask, he would just make up this "image" of himself, of how healthy he supposedly was. It was all just a lie, and I hate liars. I don't get why he would feel a need to lie to me about it, or lie about his weight. Not unless he was ashamed of it, in which case he should have DONE something about it, right? But he never did.
So no, I don't ever want to end up in that position again, and my advice to you is to be BLUNT AND HONEST about it to her face. Don't tip toe around it. Her weight is an issue, her life style of choice is an issue, and it WILL be the end of the relationship unless things change. Or, just walk away and don't tell her it's because of her constant complaining and being stubborn about her weight. That's my advice to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2017): This is very sad. Of course it can be worrying when someone unexpectedly puts on weight!By the time they realise that the weight has crept on they suddenly lose their self esteem.Going up two dress sizes can happen. A dress is only an inch or two larger in the next size up and that extra weight could have crept up at an inch every six months.Its hardly the end of the world and yet it can cause great anxiety and depression particularly because you cant just say "I dont want to look like that!" and just change in two minutes.So harsh words are stupid words!You need to give words of comfort and dont restrict eating when youre out.Thats the very time to eat!A woman carves the inches off slowly and I think your lady needs to reach a happier time and place in her life to be able to do so.I have avoided someone who once told me my body was repulsive.I lost the weight in a burst of determination ane he was all over me with compliments butbit was at that point that I decided to loose the friend instead and put the weight back on.Naturally I avoided him and never told him I gained weight again but left him to continue to believe that I was slim and beautiful still.So be warned and let your lady chose her own food!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2017): What you have to understand is that women complain about everything thing in this case you have to tell her that she is beautiful whenever you can. Convince her to in brace the belly fat
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): Health and fitness is a personal-choice. Sometimes doctor's orders may change that. It's either a part of your lifestyle or it isn't. You can only advise or inspire people to eat healthy, and include exercise as a part of our daily regimen. Best done by setting an example. Maybe they'll follow, maybe they won't. Nothing works better than self-motivation. Then comes praise for the effort.
There's a thing some people do that is really a defense-mechanism. They make self-deprecating remarks, they verbalize harsh criticisms of themselves, and they complain as your girlfriend does. For different reasons.
The main reason is, she looks at your facial expressions and thinks that's what you're thinking. She reads you by your limited displays of affection, or deficiency of compliments. She also notices you do take care of yourself, which indicates weight matters to you. So she thinks you're silently judging her. She wants to wish the weight away without the work. Don't we all?!!! Most of all, we all want to be accepted for who we are.
Her self-esteem is low, and I suspect that she doesn't really get many compliments from you. So she complains as if it bothers her too. Her intuition is telling her you are bothered, and being somewhat condescending to her. Be honest, you are bothered by it. Not just the complaining.
Get used to the extra weight. Maybe it's not going anywhere. Unless she wants it to. She's begging you to accept it, or come right-out and say something. Then if you do, she will know she read you correctly, and your denial was just fake acceptance. You can't win anyway you look at it. It's one of those unfair things people will do to us. We're all guilty of it.
This is a tricky area. People eat whatever they want; and will usually eat badly at work, or when they're out and about. Nervous or habitual snacking. You should ask her to stop belittling herself and stop putting words in your mouth. You would support any decision she makes, just stop complaining. It's annoying. You're done with it.
Body-image is a very sensitive area for women. You have to be loving, affectionate, and encouraging; but enough is enough. Complaining about something about yourself you can change; but refusing to fix it, comes from laziness and self-contempt. If anyone says something, then you'll be faulted for cruelty. They'll become a victim. So, you leave them alone with it. Ultimately, you'll breakup with them; once you've had enough.
Time and annoyance will force you to finally make a decision about it. No one can really tell you what to do about it. At best, you'll just get used to it as one of her quirks.
Love her all the same. You've got your faults too!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 June 2017):
 I agree with YouWish.
DO you. If YOU want to be fit and healthy GO for it. The sooner you get started on a GOOD routine the sooner it will PAY OFF for you. IF she starts to whine about her weight or dress sizes BE honest. Tell her that SHE is the only one who can do anything about it, that you love her and wish her happy and healthy but the choice to BE happy and healthy is her.
If you take her out on dates, find things to do that doesn't involve food & alcohol perhaps?
If she CHOOSES to isolate herself from friends she might actually be experiencing a bit of depression, that might also be why she can't seem to get her ass in gear and DO something about it.
If think if YOU start a routine of work out she might join in as long as she doesn't feel pressured by you to do so. She isn't IN charge of you working out. THAT is for you to decide. If she whines? Tell her to join in or CAN it.
If she asks WHY you are all of a sudden into working out and eating healthy tell her you don't WANT to be a "fat BF" and you don't want to be unhealthy.
You can't "make" her lose weight, eat healthily or work out. But you CAN set an example.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 June 2017):
 I'll start with the last sentence in your post:
"At the same time she doesn't let me work out too much lol."
How does she not let you work out?? Does she chain you to the bed? Does she sit on you?? You can WORK OUT anywhere, anytime! All you need is either space to move for cardio in or some form of weights or resistance training for build muscle. You can turn most anything into a workout if you truly want to, and sorry, but no partner is worth your life, and keeping your body in good working shape is as vital as giving your car oil changes or flushing fluids. Are you so weak as to shorten years of your life because someone else doesn't want you to stay healthy?
As for the rest of your post, people's metabolisms don't stay the same throughout their lives. Obviously people who eat greaseball fast food or tons of sugar or too much alcohol and processed carbs are going to gunk up their bodies with empty calories, cholesterol, and toxins, and it's going to show. Men and women gain and lose weight differently.
Guys tend to lose weight easier than women do because their bodies have more muscle mass (muscle burns fat faster and raises resting metabolism), and genetics even play a role in how their bodies process energy.
As for your girlfriend, don't let her talk about her weight if she's going to rip your head off if you mention some solutions to the problem she brings up. Just tell her that you don't want to hear the complaining if she's going to take it out on you. As for your working out and eating right, don't blame her stubbornness for your decisions! Those are yours and yours alone. Not all dates and outings need to involve food and drink.
It sounds like you're worried about your girlfriend's weight, and it's getting to you that she's complaining, yet in denial. In the words of Shakira, the Hips Don't Lie. If she won't do anything for herself, you need to do what you need to do for your own body. If she gripes about your activities, tell her that you're through with whining and complaining, and that you are going to be in shape whether she does it or not.
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