A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in an overwhelming state of mind and don't really know what to do next. Here is what happened...A couple nights ago my boyfriend (of six years) and I had a casual night out. Dinner with his mom, and then we rented movies - but before we went home we decided to stop off at a bar where our friend works at for a few drinks. Many - very heavily poured - drinks later we started disagreeing over an issue with the house that we are in the process of buying. This has been a very stressful time for us as it is - for all of you that have bought houses before you know it can wreck havoc and escalate stress in relationships. We headed home still arguing (over what was a VERY stupid matter). When we got home we yelled a bit, then went to separate areas of the apartment to cool off. At this point the alcohol was hitting me pretty hard, and I know he was very inebriated due to the fact that he drank more than I did. I got online, and found that our favorite baseball team (which is a two hour drive away ) was going to be playing the next day and thought going to the game would be a nice way to relax from the stupid fight, plus give us a trip away before escrow and the REALLY stressful part of house buying began.I bought the tickets, and presented them to him. This is where everything went crazy. He went ballistic on me. Apparently it was his softball tournamant the same night as the game that I purchased tickets for - and I didn't remember. We were still in "argument mode" from earlier so I started yelling after he started yelling - and so on. The argument escalated to a full-blown fight and we started accusing each other of everything under the sun - fueled by alcohol nonetheless. I was yelling at him - about something I can't remember now - and the next thing I know my glasses were knocked off my face by him. I was so shocked that he could do such a thing. Was it an attempt to slap me?? I don't believe so. Was it an attempt to shake some sense it my drunken tirade? Perhaps, but not a good way at all. We fought for awhile longer - mainly about how he could do such a thing and that we should break up. This is the deal. He has never been violent at all (six years) towards me, and I don't know how to percieve his act of violence as it is - he never actually made contact with my face. We have had fights in the past, this one was fueled by the heavy hand of our bartender. Do we drink like this all the time? No, and when we do imbibe a bit too much we usually end up having a fun time with each other and are goofballs.He feels awful, and has been crying and apologizing ever since. I feel numb, and don't know what to do. He says he understands that I should leave him, but doesn't feel like he can live without me.I love him so much - if I didn't I would have left the very next morning and never looked back. I know we were both idiots that night, but I feel that staying with him - even for a "somewhat" act of violence - goes against everything I was taught and believe in. How can I forgo the six years we have been together?
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 He's probably under a lot of stress. BUT be very careful. I was with someone 2 yrs before they grabbed me by the throat. We had split by this point and needless to say, it was never an option to get back with him, especially after that. But i dont think there are any hard and fast rules that say violent people are that way from the day they are born. It starts somewhere, and can be at any time.
Just do some serious talking and if it ever happens again, get out of there fast.
C xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): You shouldn't blame the alchol on this situation, if he was so angry he could have thrown an object across the room or punched a wall. But he chose to hit out at you. I agree with another poster said, put the house on hold and both talk to someone about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): I don't think this should be the end of things.
They say "there's no excuse for him to ever hit you" and in general I believe it. But society also makes this such a zero-tolerace issue because it's too easy to fall into a trap of thinking "maybe he can quit it later." But we all know the vast, vast majority of abusive partners (of either gender) won't ever quit.
I've come damn close a few times with GFs I've had. I've never done it so far, but I've swung and hit the wall right behind/beside someone 3 or 4 times. I probably would have realy hit her with just a little tiny bit more alcohol in me at those times.
Sometimes you get carried away and you pull it at the last moment. Maybe he did this? You say he hit your glasses more than you? It's a small point, but maybe an important one in my mind. It represents that his final decision was to refrain from hitting you, even if he made that decision a fraction of a second too late to stop what he'd set in motion.
So he hasn't ever hit you in 6 years, not even when you two were drunk & arguing at other times? Well I'm not trying to excuse what he did but I think it would be a shame to throw away the relationship over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): The thing to do is to step away. The volatility indicated by your argument doesn't come out of nowhere. It just doesn't. Without knowing a lot more about you, I can't say for sure what's going on, but I can say with great confidence that something is very much not right. Perhaps it is very latently not right, but it is there. Both of you owe it to yourselves to take a step back, and try to figure out where that volatility came from, before you go ratcheting things up a notch. Please, try to be honest with yourselves and figure out what is really going on.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Hi there, if you two are still going to buy this house together, then that will be a binding factor. What I think is this, if as, I said you are going through with this house purchase, the two of you, after the closing, should find a therapist and talk about this. What I also think is that you need to try to stop drinking as much as you do, There are several factors going on here, one, buying a house, that can provoke a divorce or a break up. Two when you drink and then get angry, who knows what you will do, Third, stress, can get you crazy and the combination of all three can bring out the worse in a person, and there you have it. There also is some deep anger in your boyfriend, which he needs to talk about and it is directed at you. Therein lies the problem, there does not need to be any excuse for what he did, whether or not he made contact with your face does not matter, he was aiming, that needs to be answered without the alcohol to mess with your minds. Why did he want to hit you? That would be my question, I think sress played a big part. Now if he really did not want to buy this house, then you need to find out, because if people don't want to do something, then they can react in strange ways. Be sure this is what he wants to do. Me, I don't think I would buy the house yet, I don't know if you will lose money, as you have signed a contract, you need some answers. This is your life, most men, if they hit or hit at a woman, they will do it again. This was also a very low stressful period, so maybe he won't do it again. But if you buy this house together, as I said before, afterwards, you both need to go to a third party and talk about what happened. Good luck to you both. Stay in touch.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): If your not like this toward each other everyday or every other day...its the alcohol and the stress talking... put it behind you like it never happened. As for the attept to hit, strike or slap you witch everway you look at...you know thats its not like him to that...He did it for a reason or no reason, still should of never tried. You've been together for 6yrs now....Dont let this ruin what you've shared in those years. Try not to have so many drinks and if you are....be happy with each other.(-;)3 Bunnie
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