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female
,
anonymous
writes: Can anyone give me some advice, so that I can boost my self-esteem, and help myself in personal relationships? I seem to have a tendency to pursue exes who seem to hold no real interest in me?I'm not sure why I am like this - am 33 years old and have completely failed in all relationships. I am always attracted to the charmer type man, who spends ages chasing me, but then, ends up being a player or a commitment-phobe. I don't know how to make good choices in men anymore, to avoid getting so hurt.I've even gone to examining my childhood (which was far from good) - I was molested by a "family-friend" between the ages of 2/3 and 7 - I know this is exceptionally sick. I just blocked everything out, and to this day have never told anyone. He is now dead, anyway. I do believe I have dealt with those emotions in my life, and no longer feel affected. That aside, I have never had a loving male role model in my life - my elder brother rejected me throughout childhood (and to this day) - I believe mainly due to sibling rivalry as I was an exceptional student...and my father died when I was a young teenager - I'd never really managed to bond with him.I look back on all these experiences, and realise how I always have (and still do) try hard to win my brother's love (I'm really not sure why he resents me) and I felt like this about my father too...and I can't help but somehow feel that these traits have spilt over into my personal relationships in adult life.I seem to have a tendency to fall in love with men who appear to be good for me...but who then back off (for whatever reason). But its as though I lose all sense of pride and have to chase them, until the bitter end. I can't understand why I feel compelled to behave in this way. I feel I am probably responsible for pushing them away.My life, in general (apart from the past I've talked about) is great now. I am very successful, and very attractive with it. It has taken me a long time to realise that I am attractive, but I do finally believe it. I have no issues with confidence in the work place, but am a wreck when it comes to personal relationships.I'm just not sure how to deal with men in general, any more.What's more, I have now decided to go the other way, and date someone I wasn't attracted to, but I knew had loved me for years. We have absolutely nothing in common, but he loves me so much. And I have been considering staying with him, but now don't feel its fair to either of us if I don't love him in the way that I should. I almost feel that I won't ever find that mutual, lasting love.I know a lot of you are going to tell me to go and see a counsellor, but I honestly couldn't face it. I really wouldn't want to re-live everything from my past. I feel ok just never thinking about it.Can anyone give me any tips on becoming emotionally stronger / dealing with men in a more assertive manner, without appearing scary?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): I am so sorry to hear what happened to you when you were younger. The same thing happened to me when i was younger also. Its something that will never go away, but all i can say is i've learnt to live with it. I have tried numerous attempts to end my life but to be honest i dont think deep down i wanted to just needed someone to talk to. I know what you mean about not wanting to seek councilling and of course thats your decision. What i would say is i've always had the same problems in relationships with males and also i never really got to know my dad that well before he died.Do you have a really close friend that you could talk to about this? I feel talking about it helped me although i'm not saying it helps everyone?
To bosst your self esteem has to come from within your yourself and knowing that what hapened to you was not your fault. I feel you've already started in a way by posting this message on here already. It may not feel like it to you, Believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel and you're probabaly much stronger than you think? You seem to be attracted to these so called charmers/jerks cos you feel thats all you deserve in a way...Hope this makes sense? You need to feel good about you first. Dont bother seeing anyone at the moment and build up your cofidence and then you will be a much stronger person and able to know when you've met someone worthwhile and walk away when you've made the wrong choice...I know i make it sound easy, trust me you deserve more in your life than having Jerks who again make you feel bad about yourself. You went through all that when you were younger you now have the choice to break that circle, and meet someone who loves you for who you are. Hope things work out for you.Good Luck
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