A
female
age
51-59,
*oodgirl2008
writes:I was a virgin when I got married. I will admit to heavy petting and finger penetration. But no complete sex penetration. I was saving myself for marriage. I was a good girl. I was married for 26 years when my husband past away suddenly. I thought we were soul mates. He told he we were soul mates. After his death i find out that he might have been having an affair for the last 3 years of his life. Stunned is not the word. Hard to argue with a grave. Very one sided. I had been with one man sexually until my husband died. and beyond. I start seeing things around me that I had never noticed before. Never had time to see. I was a good girl, mother, wife, daughter, etc. I hear stories of how in high school there are "parties" where a guy can go to a room where a girl is waiting and screw her. He and his friends take turns. Screw a girl and never even kiss her. Is this true? Drugs. Etc. Multiple sexual partners. Where the hell was I? None of my friends did this. Or anybody else that I knew. I felt like Laura ingalls wilder in Vegas. I was so out of the loop. Was this in the late 7o's and early 80's so common?I meet a new man. Gentle, sweet. A kind man. He confesses to me that he had had 4 multiple partner sexual encounters in his life. He is full of shame. Confessions good for the soul, his anyway. He does not want to ever do that again. It may have done him good to get that off of his chest, but I wish he hadn't told me. It is petty but I am jealous. Even with all the shame and this having bothered him to this point for all of these years. I am jealous. Crazy huh? It is not so much that he did, i guess, its that I didn't. My choice. Be a good girl. I was never put in that position to watch someone else have sex. My having been a good girl, my late husbands possible affair (all i can really prove is that he talked to her on the phone and that was not that often) and my new mans past is all linked somehow i think. How do I get past this?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 You keep yourself a virgin because you decide to. You make your own morality for yourself. If you build your morality on what other people do or say, you end up with plenty of regrets.
Your angry and now looking back on your choices. You made your choices, now make sure that you only make decisions based on what's right for you and not to impress others.
I'm sorry, dead husband, who is unfaithful would make anyone hurt. But don't discount your life and the happiness you had before.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (12 September 2010):
 I was a good girl gone bad, then back to good again. I've dabbled in a little bit of recreational drugs, partying, drinking, and one-nighters. Never did the gang banging. Take it from me, it's fun for the time being and a phase that one goes through in their teens till hopefully it ends at 23, for some it keeps on going. It really doesn't get you anywhere except for a high tolerance for alcohol, bags under your eyes, and a trip to the gyno more than once a year hoping you haven't caught syphilis. I was made in the 80s but let me tell you this world gets more and more sexually charged starting at 13 now. If I could go back I would erase some of my outlandish behavior. But now it's the past which you can't change.
Sorry to hear about your spouse. As for his questionable affair, there's nothing you can do to prove it was true. So I would just remember him how he was, and think nothing less of him.
This new man you have sounds let quite a catch and having only 4 sex partners??? Wow! Where did you meet him? Before I met my husband I was encountering men with their magic number being in the 20s-30s range! Listen, be glad it's only 4..there's nothing he can do to go back and change the past. It is what it is, you have to accept that was who he was, that's not who he is now. He sounds like a man who has moved past the point of racking up the notches on his bed post. Retroactive jealousy, you can't get mad at the number of women he's been with before you..it was before your time. On a side note, I abide by the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, never ever reveal that magic number. Let the past lie where it is now, in the past! Instead you need to focus on what are your plans for the future. Continue with they great catch you have now, living day by day, but still having an outline of what you want to do next with your life! Best of Luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): Very sorry to hear about your husband.
As someone that has travelled extensively I have to say that this whole 'good girl' 'bad girl' thing is very cultural. The 'good girl' that you are describing would be 'boring girl' in Sweden for example. And before you go thinking that they are completely shameless, racked with every STD you can find and high abortion rates it's actually the complete opposite. They are sexually free yes, but very responsible.
I'm English myself and we have a looser concept of a 'good girl.' I wouldn't expect the girl I marry (I'm 30 by the way) to be a virgin. In fact I'd say a 'good girl' is fairly experienced in the sack (preferably partners in the low two digits ie 10-40), a good career, good education, good family - that's a good girl to me....
Then again it's different in different countries.
What ever makes you happy is what you should go for. Don't worry so much about what others would think about it - that is a sure way to never feel content
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): You have heard of people sleeping around. Okay. Cool.
You must also have heard that the greater majority of these people end up with an STD because of it. Right?
Seriously, casual sex is fine if you are able to seperate sex from emotion. The trouble is, sometimes you can't.
More than a few people have been fucked up because they fell for a casual fling. And the other half didn't want any of it.
Why don't you try getting back onto the dating scene? It doesn't always have to be about sex, not even in this day and age. Sex can only make an already great relationship even better.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Hi
Good girl.. Bad girl ...just be you true to yourself.
We all have good and bad in us...you should not really label yourself as either.
Spunky Monkey
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): If you think there's no reward for being a good girl, imagine how hopeless it is being a good guy.
These days everyone is expected to just blindly accept any kind of past. It's okay to hold it against someone for not having sex outside marriage, but it's unacceptable to hold it against someone for having done it. This is a double standard.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 I suggest you consider the following...
being a good girl is a good thing IF you are getting the results you wanted. This does not mean you get to control the behaviors of others (ie, being a good girl does not protect you from other peoples behaviors like cheating on you). It does mean that you can live with yourself, because you stayed true to your own ideals about how you wanted to live your life.
One of the elements that people who strive to be "good" struggle with, is the idea of what being "good" makes them feel entitled to, or what they feel they have been promised...some people act "good" based on a promise that if they are good, then good things will happen to them...the reality is that is not always the case, as bad things still do happen to good people. If you chose to be good, it has to be because you value being good, not because of the potential rewards of being good. See the difference?
So, your anger and resentment might come from some expectation of what being a "good girl" was suppose to shield you from. When I do grief coaching, a common obstacle is the realization that no matter how "good" a person is, that will not shield them from realities like becoming a widow or widower.
The second thing I want you to consider is that it might not be just about dealing with your new boyfriend's past, nor about your lack of sexual experience...you might still be grieving and the focus of the grief is manifesting itself through your resentment. You really do not have any proof that your husband cheated on you, but you are acting like he actually did...in a way it is easy to feel that way because in death, there is the feeling of abandonment. It may be easier for you to be angry that he MAY have been cheating, than to deal with the actually of grieving his death.
See if you can find a grief support group in your area. If there is not one already, go to your local place of worship and start one.
I did a radio show on Dating After Death. You can listen to it for free at
www.franktalks.com/datingdilemmas/
Before you go make assumptions about faithfulness and a regret of being a good person, you need to focus on your mourning process.
I wish you peace and healing.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (11 September 2010):
 First of all, I am really sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It must be so gutting to find out that he was unfaithful as well! I guess we all like to hope we are in a solid marriage and that because we are faithful, expect them to be.
If it is any consolation, I look back and think I could have been more outrageous or something.
Nonetheless never been to that sort of party you mention either.
You could start now, if you are really thinking you missed out.
Or perhaps it's being unsettled and full of grief and anger that makes you unsure of your past and future. At unsettling times, it's hard to know what you want, if you used to make the right decisions...
Fiona.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): I was a good girl too. I didn't have sex until I was twenty, and am now married to this man. I've only ever had sex with him, and nobody else. And for most of this time he has accused me of cheating on him, though I never have. In this day and age its not worth it to be a "good girl", it seems to me... you gain a lot more for yourself by having had various experiences. I will never cheat on him, but if my marriage doesn't work out, which there is a good possibility that it won't in the end... I'm not going to be a "good girl" anymore. I will definitely be a wild one. I recommend you go out there and do the same, for a while. See what you've been missing. I'm 28, by the way.
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