A
female
age
51-59,
*awnathome
writes:Okay I think I am completely losing my mind now. For some crazy reason I am having urges to contact the other woman. And not in a mean way either. Maybe it is the whole "keep your friends close and your enemies closer thing"? He wrote her a goodbye email on New Year's Eve. Do you think I am tempted to contact her to check up on him in a way? See if some how he has snuck a call in to her or something? Well a call she couldn't prove but....... I don't know. Like I said I am losing it. I am still dwelling on the fact he almost left me for her. I mean why did this one get under his skin and not the ones before her? I know that the distance from us was getting to him and in part I drove him to her because he was feeling unwanted but now that he has chosen me and chosen his family why can I not just feel like I can let my guard down so to speak? Start to just heal and enjoy my husband again. I am just waiting to find out he has contacted her again. This is driving me insane. How do I talk myself OUT of trying to get to know this woman? HOw do I stop driving myself crazy comparing myself to her? And for what??? They were only together maybe a month!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 The comment about trying to keep everyone happy rings true. Depending on how long his affair has been going on he will feel real obligations to the other woman. Of course yes his obligations to you are greater - should be much greater - but the other woman is a real person with a real life and feelings.
For some men affairs are much more about the need to be loved than they are just about sex. If he has managed to convince himself that there was actually love between him and the other woman then of course he is going to feel bad about a sudden break. I don't mean to imply by that that he doesn't feel loved by you - but some of us have a flaw that creates a need to be loved by more than one.
I hope that in this case your husbands love for you wins out and that you have the strength to keep your marriage going.
A
female
reader, dawnathome +, writes (21 January 2009):
dawnathome is verified as being by the original poster of the question Me again. Forgot to add that I HAVE been in contact with her before. She implied that we should "share" him. I am a Christian woman, mother of 5 and grandmother of 2. Not to mention I am not a teenager anymore. I mean what are we 12??? No I will not "share" my husband. Wow.
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A
female
reader, dawnathome +, writes (21 January 2009):
dawnathome is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for responding. It helps so much to have people who have been there to reach out to! Just to clarify a couple of things, the other woman is not in our area. If they were in contact again it would be thru telephone calls or maybe an email if he opened a secret account or something. There has been no physcial contact since early November. But to me each time he has faltered and been in touch with her it is just a huge betrayel and starts me back to square one in the healing process, not to mention bringing up doubts as to wether he REALLY wants me or not. We have been together 10 years. He did say once that he thinks he is "just trying to keep everyone happy" and that he though he contacted her so she wouldn't feel so used. I hope that is true. And I have to focus on the fact that the good bye email he wrote to her is the first time he has ever done that, actually told her it was over. I just don't understand why he couldn't do that sooner. Was it his guilt over having hurt her too?? This is so hard. He had other affairs and lied and hid things and the main thing that bugs me is that thought of them being in touch again in any way!!
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A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (21 January 2009):
You sound an incredibly strong woman. I think that it is wonderful that you haven't gone with the knee jerk / tabloid editor reaction to your husband's failings. You are not losing your mind. Whilst there are all kinds of solid practical reasons not to do this it might be very interesting and what is life for if it isn't for the experience? Right or wrong "interesting" in itself is a great outcome. Be a little unpredictable. Although this may well sound offensive given that she has been messing with your marriage and is on the wrong side of the moral equation you might find that you have quite a bit in common. Men are wired fairly simply and we tend to look for similar things in the women that we fall in love with. If he loves you and thought he loved her then you can bet that you have the basis of quite a conversation if you can find the strength to be civilised about it.
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A
female
reader, onedayatatime  +, writes (21 January 2009):
I spoke to the OW but this was just after i found out about the affair. This had a good effect. I reckoned that my husband although a slimebag at the time would only pick a fairly nice person to leave me for!!I then thought that if she was half decent i could appeal to her conscience and get her to realise that i was not the devil he would like her to think i was.She needed to here that i would not give up on my love for him and i asked her to please understand my families situation. This had a good effect. However, i would never even dream of contacting her now, like the others say you may give them an excuse to contact each other again. You would be setting yourself up for the jealous, paranoid wife situation. Even though our other halves push us into that situation. Yes i also feel jealous , paranoid and sad at least once per day;-) I need to get over this too. It is hard but this site lets you get alot off your chest. Write and comfort others it helps to put words onto what you feel from the outside.It just makes me wonder when you say that this is not the first time, i don't think that i could forgive my husband a second time. The stress is too much.
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A
male
reader, Easy Livin by Uriah Heep +, writes (21 January 2009):
Well I honor you for sticking with your husband in this hard time. If more women took after you America would be a better place.
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A
female
reader, bummed out +, writes (21 January 2009):
Resist the urges. Its your hurt emotions making you want to call her. I would say try to act on your good feelings. Your love.
If she is gone from the relationship you will be able to tell.
I'm sure you can see signs now when your husband is cheating on you.
Just be with him and your family. Enjoy time together and heal from the hurt.
I say don't call it could open more roads to hurt for you.
Talk to him and ask him to be completly honest. I don't get that your a jealous woman...if he has cheated on you before and you have forgivin him multipul times then it should be easy for you to get past this. Just do what your good and happy mind says and not what your upset sad and mad mind tells you to do and you can't go wrong.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 I agree with the first response. there is no point contacting her. if they ate still seing each other she will deny it and play dumb to keep him(its happened to me)and if they stopped seeing each other you will come off as crazy and you dont want that. leave it in the past, it was just sex, it wasnt love, he came back to you dont drive him away again by acting possesive and paranoid.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): If you do decide to contact her, then maybe she'll use that as an excuse to contact him, do you really want that to happen?
You might inadvertantly force them back into speaking, it's normal for you to feel this way cos he has proven you can't trust him.
Talk to him about it, he needs to be completely open and honest with you if you're ever going to trust him again.
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A
female
reader, kitty_3 +, writes (21 January 2009):
 maybe you should try some therapy? for you or you both. i take he's cheated on you a decent number of times... i see why you want to contact her. i think i would too, because if you got to know her, you could figure out why he liked her. i'd say go for it, but i don't think your man would appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): First of all, you should try to give him what maybe he felt was lacking when he went to her. Show him what you've got, and then just see if he was missing you. If you still have a doubt, then try to talk to him. Communication really helps, especially in long-time couples. f you two are really good for each other, he'll understand when you tell him that you're feeling uneasy. Try it. Good luck!
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