A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Really quick and to the point (need to study for midterms ^^")When several months ago, whenever me and my boyfriend had an argument I would give him the silent treatment. It's just who I am and how I deal with things. He would feel terrible, he would throw his ego and pride aside and apologize and try to talk to me and fix things. I've felt bad for doing it over time so now I've started talking to him about my feelings, why I'm upset, how can we fix a disagreement. But now he doesn't say sorry anymore! It's as if his ego won't bring him up to saying sorry and he even gives me the silent treatment now. For example, he showed me this really offensive 9gag post that was extremely sexist and I told him calmly that I thought it was offensive, woman shouldn't be stereotyped by guys all the time, etc. Then he ignored me. So I asked him again how is it even relatively funny women aren't like that. He then starts going off about "wow since when were you a feminist. How's that even offensive I thought it was funny" and then getting mad at me for "pretending" to be a feminist. After that he went on to look at more sexist 9gag posts.The thing is when I give him the silent treatment for something we disagree on, he'll keep relentlessly asking what's wrong, what can he do to fix it, say he's genuinely sorry. It's like he's walking on thin egg shells trying his best to make me happy again. Now that I'm talking to him about my feelings and how to fix things he just doesn't care because he doesn't feel like anything's jeopardized if that makes sense. I don't get it, I want to treat him better that's why i've stopped with the silent treatment game but now he treats me badly. Don't get me wrong we have a great relationship and have been together for a very long time. We have common future plans together it's just petty little arguments like these once in a blue moon really have me thinking.. is the silent treatment the way to go with your significant other.. ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 The problem with the "silent treatment" is that it never solves anything. It only inflict more pain and hurt on your other half and when you cease to communicate, you cannot fix a problem. And a problem that isn't dealt with eventually festers.
It sounds like you've learned that not much is accomplished through this sort of action. Unfortunately, your boyfriend learned that it is effective tool to be used on you.
Let your boyfriend stew in his anger and when he finally returns back to normal, sit down and have a talk with him. Explain to him the pain and hurt that you feel when he shuts down. Tell him that you want to work out your differences -- no matter what they are -- and that the silent treatment only drives a wedge between you and him.
Hopefully he'll see the light and work with you in strengthening your relationship instead of hurting it.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (9 November 2012):
It seems like he may be the kind of guy who doesn't want to hear about how something has made you feel...instead he needs to think about what he did that upset you (whatever he did that caused you to give him the silent treatment) which then causes him to empathize with you which leads to him apologizing.
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A
female
reader, Dame Labisque +, writes (9 November 2012):
Oh my, giving someone the silence treatment is a very unhealthy way of dealing with problems. It's a good thing that you are able to doubt the legitimacy of this behavior, since it is a very destructive one.Giving the silence treatment is a passive-aggressive strategy that allows a person unable to express their anger correctly to punish the person that made them mad. It's manipulative and very hurtful for the person on the receiving end, since the silence treatment involves withdrawing your love and attention. That's why it's so effective: the person you're ignoring starts panicking because they're afraid that they lost you, and start crawling at your feet begging for forgiveness as a way to get you back. As a result, they end up walking on eggshells because they are afraid to have love withdrawn again.This type of pattern should really be replaced by a healthier type of communication in which emotions, including sadness and anger, are expressed. Even anger can actually be constructive when expressed in a healthy manner, because getting mad is a sign that something is not okay! Healthy, non-violent communication is the way to go. There's a lot to read about that if you decide to google these things.As for the current state of your relationship, it is quite possible that your boyfriend has become insensible to the silence treatment because he knows that you won't actually leave him. It is also possible that he doesn't trust you anymore because you hurt him, or that he has become bitter.Either way, I really think that if it's a serious issue, you should have a talk with him, apologize and explain that you want to try to communicate better. Good luck with that!
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