A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend just broke up with me three weeks ago. I've been in a relationship prior to her (long term, live-in) but this girl was different. My heart told me the entire time that she was the one for me - meant to be. I never even believed the idea of meant to be until I went out with this girl - things felt so completely right, amazing.But I let that get to my head and started being kind of an a**. I wasn't as understanding of her needs as I should have been, I started to get a bit controlling in a bad way, and smothered her. You could say I started to take it for granted. She told me how she was feeling and I started to try to back off and work on it, but she ended it only one day later so I didn't really have time to make peace with my own problem.Now she still wants to maintain close contact, be friends, share everything with me (she points out often the things I did for her that nobody else ever did and things she knows nobody else will ever do - my unique qualities). The thing is the issues that came up during our relationship have made her fearful of dating in general. In her words: "I do believe that you're getting better with it, I'm just too afraid to try again. Someday maybe we can but I can't promise that."I feel like I'm being held in some kind of limbo. I am still very much in love with the girl and after she told me how she felt, I made it a point to really change those bad things because I wanted to save our wonderful relationship - but I didn't get the chance. Her telling me that we "might or might not" try again puts me in a state where I find I can't move on and get over her, but also can't have her back. If I can never have her, I want some kind of closure - which she cannot offer, because even the thought of "No contact" makes her upset and sad. If there is a good chance to try again, I want to at least know it's LIKELY, so I can look forward to it and wait it out. Pure uncertainty is the worst.What's your advice on what I should do? Should I just block her out of my life - knowing it'll hurt her, which is of course the last thing I want to do since I'm still in love, not to mention be torture for me to get over someone so wonderful - or should I wait for her, even though it's living the uncertainty and the possibility she will say no or find another guy someday in the future?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Hey, I am responding to my article to add more info.
She's on the rebound - found another guy and is flirting with him, even told him she loves him. But she still asks me questions like if I'm interested in anyone or if I want to go back to the girlfriend I had before her (Which she says she doesn't want). She called me tonight and almost said she loves me but cut herself off - I could tell. She said her feelings are too confusing and she "has to get over me" to save herself the stress.
Obviously with the rebound thing, no matter what, I feel like chances are very low and I may be done for with her. We would all like to believe rebounds don't work and that her "trying to get over me" won't work either but you never know with some people. She confuses me because she says she wants to talk to me so badly, but then when we do talk she ignores a lot of what I say and instead directs her attention towards the new guy. I don't know if she has officially declared herself "with" this guy but saying I love you seems to make it pretty clear that if they aren't already together it's only a short matter of time.
Still depressed, missing her, lonely, and pretty down on myself. Never knew a breakup could hurt so bad.
Thanks for the advice already posted. If anyone has more comments send them along. As much as it hurts I may have no choice but to go No-Contact wit her because it hurts me deeply to know she's getting close to someone else. Conflict in me: Stay friends and hope for the rebound to end, or give up completely? I feel if I give up completely I'll always wonder what if, but if I stick around I'm only setting myself up for further hurt.
A
female
reader, Umari Solanthus  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Blocking her out of your life does not have to mean never see each other again. It's about giving yourselves personal space and distance for a certain amount of time for you both to adjust to this new situation.
It's clear that you really love this woman, but you are going to have to distance yourself from her a little. The fact that she wants to remain friends is a promising sign, but you should not see this as a spark of hope that the two of you may get back together someday. You might do. You might not. But since you're still so in love with her, you're going to have to distance yourself a little to try and get over these feelings enough so that you can remain friends, and so she can regain her trust and confidence in dating. If you continue to profess your love and hang around in the hopes of you getting back together, that may just drive her further away from you.
If you truly want to win this woman back, you are going to have to prove that you have changed and will not revert back to doing the things that caused your relationship to fail in the first place. And this WILL take time, especially if she is now so fearful of being in a relationship with anyone, not just you. This isn't a quick-fix, it can take months to recover confidence, and months to win someone's heart again.
The only advice I can give is to be a friend, and only a friend. Step back. As cruel as this sounds, you cannot possibly remain that close. I had a friend who split from his girlfriend one time, and she said she wanted them to just be friends, and yet do the same things they did when they were a couple. This is impossible. Maintaining contact, being friends, and sharing a few things is possible, but will have to be moderated so you can both find the time to sort out your feelings, find closure if need be, or reconcile.
In the end, as I'm sure you're aware, you cannot make her get back together with you. If she does find someone else, or decides that she does not want to get back with you, then you will have to find closure on your feelings and let her be. If you feel you cannot just remain friends after that, then maybe permanent separation is necessary.
That's all the advice I can give. I hope it helps somehow.
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