A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and sons father was offered an all expense trip, job related to one of my favorite cities in the country. Naturally I wanted to meet him there with our son, for a family vacation (after he was done with his job everyday). Our son and I son would have gone into the city and checked out the sights. My boyfriends co workers were also going including one that he had an affair with years ago, when our son was a baby and that he denies having an affair with to this day. (they were just friends during his separation from me).Well when I told him I was going with our son he said no, that he wasn't going because he didn't want to deal with the drama of me and this co-worker of his. He told me he contacted his boss and told her he wasn't going.Yesterday, he told me "I know your going to be mad, but I am leaving tomorrow for the trip". He said he waited to tell me the day before because he didn't want to deal with my reaction. I think he just didn't want me making traveling plans (getting time off from work, securing airfare etc too).Well I told him in the past (when asked by him) that in addition to going on this trip as a family, I also had a problem with him being alone in a romantic city with this co-worker when he cheated on me with her.I also told him he made his decision and I was through with our relationship at which he said we are not through and then gave me a run down on how his days will be out there (work, minus her etc) and I should be accepting of this. Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by this man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I will never get to the truth which affects my trust with him. I am at a point in my life (and probably have been for a while) to leave him. There has been a lot of ups and downs tween us. More downs than ups. I have always tried to be a support and unconscientiously i guess,mold him into the person I think he should be. He has had past crosses to bear of his own (including addiction issues) and yes I was there throughout it. He is my sons father, my first love, and a person I will probably always love. But as I get older in life I realize how short it really is. This person had broken me down in the past, sapping my confidence, strength and energy. I love him but do not feel the same level of passion we once shared. I guess the trip is symbolic of our relationship as a whole, willing to give an inch but not a mile. My heart does ache to find that "soulmate" meant for me on this earth.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 I think there is no way of knowing to be honest...
You either believe him, or you don't and the only way to know if his not telling the truth is to get a lie detector test done.
I can tell you are pissed off, you always refer to him as the father of your son, that is both distancing him from you but reiterating the importance of his role to your family unit...it's kinda passive agressive...not wrong or right but evident.
Is this trip thing the only issue to cause problems in your relationship or have there been other things to make you mistrust but that you are not quite sure/
Trust is a sliding scale. There is no meter or guage, we all have our own idea of what things tip trust into mistrust.
I guess what I am saying is firstly you cannot change or manipulate his behaviour, if you don't trust him how he is now, nothing is forcing you to stay with him in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo here is an update..... My sons father calls me last night (after not hearing from him all week, nor even knowing where he is staying) to tell me he missed me and wanted to hear my voice. Naturally I was pissed to begin with and we start arguing about how I didn't hear from him all week until the night before his departure. He tells me that when his work was done he stayed in his hotel from 5 pm onwards telling me they had a kitchenette and he made himself food etc. He told me he went out once as a group with this co worker to a casino because the company that sponsored the trip also sponsored that. Now what do you all think? Should I believe him? Why didn't he call this past week?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I don't blame your husband. He is going on a work trip which means being professional, not having drama between his wife and some colleague that the WIFE thinks he "might/could/would/perhaps" had a fling with.
I do think you and your husband need to figure out what is going on with your marriage. You can't continue a happy marriage if you think he cheated and he claims NOT to have cheated.
I DO understand that you want to go on vacation and that it MAY have seemed like a good time to go, since he HAS to be there anyways. But I think you two need to plan vacations that doesn't include HIS work.
Also he shouldn't have lied about going/not going. He should have the balls to sit you down and talk to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe had an affair, but can't admit to it because doing so would mean the end of us. After I gave birth to our son, he left me because he couldn't take all the pressure of our relationship, new baby etc. Her husband died and he "consoled" her at the time (unbeknownst to me as he would still come over for booty calls). I found them one night in a passionate kiss and grinding one another. She would also spend nights with him and his excuse was that they never had sexual intercourse.
After a couple of years he came back begging me to give us another chance. We were still intimate throughout. Yes stupid I know, but in love I was. I never went out with anyone else throughout his indiscretion as I was too busy caring for our then toddler/preschooler son.
Our son and me went to this rather expensive city last yr on vacation and
we were planning to return this year. His job trip happened to be a coincidence. I thought how wonderful, I could save 800 dollars on a hotel
room (and put that money towards our sons needs - right?)
Well like I said his response was instantaneously "I'm not going.". I thought why not. It's suspicious, true, but then I accepted it (though I was a bit upset over the wasted opportunity). Then he was like, "I know your going to be mad, but I am going tomorrow.". Well yes I feel jilted! I go out of my way to help and support this man, and this is the thanks I get?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): "he had an affair with years ago, when our son was a baby and that he denies having an affair with to this day. (they were just friends during his separation from me)."
It's not cheating if you were separated, what proof do you have that he has cheated?
"Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by this man?"
I'm sorry OP but I have to disagree with you on this one. You forced him into this impossible position by being very unreasonable.
How was he supposed to go and have you there causing trouble? Even if you didn't there would have been a bitter tension there and no one would thank him for bringing you and creating that tension. You only wanted to go as a means of marking your territory like which makes absolutely no sense by the way. He works with her and sees her almost every day and you suddenly decide that this is worse? You suddenly decide to kick up a fuss about this now? He couldn't very tell her not to go and why are you with a guy if you trust him so little, why is this an issue yet you don't have any problems that they work together?
He shouldn't have said he wasn't going then changed his mind but what choice did he have? OP this guy feels the only way to deal with you is to lie and deceive you, he feels you're so stubborn and unreasonable that the only way he can do things is to lie. That's not good OP. You have far bigger issues than feeling betrayed.
Forgive me but your reasons for wanting to go with childish and unreasonable. If you don't trust him then why are you with him?
He's not going there alone with her OP, he's going with all his colleagues.
You need to take the time that he's away to really evaluate your relationship OP. There's something very wrong with it, how you are dealing with it and the way he feels he has to lie to you to be able to breath.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 June 2012):
Are you 100% sure he had an affair with her?...he doesn't seem to think he did?
I can see this has two views.
Either he didn't have an affair, he thinks you would have caused upheaval on what is afterall just a business trip but he has handled it badly by lying and telling you he isn't going and then going at the last minute.
or
He did have an affair, has lied to you ever since it happened and is lying now saying it's for business when really it's an opportunity for him to cheat again!!!
Either way you don't trust him enough to let him go by himself.
I think you have to look at his behaviour overall. How is he with you day to day. Has he done anything else that makes you suspicious that he cheats. Is he secretive. Is he loving and attentive and do you socialise with his work colleagues?
You should feel upset that he has handled it this way...it's made him look shady and you have to wonder if he cares about that or he's prepared to suck it up to keep you out of the picture...it's a bit shitty isn't it!
The bottom line is that he is going and you arn't going to know if he's getting up to anything. You have threatened to end things, which seems a bit over the top without definite proof...he obviously hasn't taken that seriously and is still going. He has tried to reassure you by giving you a run down of his schedule, but I don't think that's going to cut it with you.
You may have to suck this up for the sake of your relationship, but if he starts acting odd when he gets back, then maybe it's time to throw him out.
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