A
female
age
,
*aryB
writes:What are the chances of a relationship ever working out for the long term if the person is an alcoholic and after breaking off a long term relationship continues to become seriously involved with one woman after another.My ex left me after 7 yrs. together and became heavily involved with someone else soon after- I'm quite sure he left me for her although, he denied it. The reason he gave me was that he was unhappy but, I know the real reason was because we were fighting a lot mainly about his excessive drinking which he had no intentions of quitting. Instead of working on our problems he chose to bail instead. Outside of the drinking our relationship beleive it or not was loving and affectionate until I would start on him about the drinking. It tore my heart out watching the man I loved destroying his life like that and it became very hard for me to stay quiet about it.As it turned out, several mths. later the girl he was involved with ended their relationship. I was not surprised as rumor had it things were not good with them from the get go- too many differences. During the whole time he stll drove by my house checking on me and friends and family told me that he had regretted what he had done to me. His family told me that he had even said that he still loved me but, he never once confronted me in anyway if that is really the way he felt. I have been hoping for a long time now that he will swollow his pride and come to me if for no other reason but, to apologize for treating me so badly after so many yrs. together. I still love him with all my heart and can't seem to move on even though it has been over a yr. now since he left me. I know that maybe I should of gone with my heart and approached him after hearing that they were no longer together but, I have my pride, also plus he is the one who did the breaking up so I figured he should be the one to make amends. After today I feel even more devastated than I have been in a while and feel like such a fool because I decided to swollow my pride and call his house to leave a message. I wasn't brave enough to speak to him in person right off so I figured if I left a message saying hello and that I wished maybe we could get together just for old times sake and catch up with the hopes that would give him the option to possibly call me without feeling threatened. Well, wasn't I shocked when a girl answered the phone and stated to me that she was his girlfriend. I quickly said I would call back and hung up. I seriously felt like throwing up. My emotions soon after kicked in and I ended up calling his sister who basically, I felt had been leading me on with hope that maybe we could work things out. She apologized to me and said that my ex had been seeing a couple of girls after the last one but, she that it was no big deal because they seem to come and go so she felt there was no need to tell me.It seems like if this girl is at his place while he is at work than she is not just someone he is casually dating. I just can't understand why he continues to see other woman and get so involved with them if he still loved me like he told people he did. Why wouldn't he try to make amends with me and try to work things out instead of hooking up with all these other woman. Please, help me understand what is going on here...I feel like I am losing my mind. How can someone throw away 7 yrs. like that? I have waited so long for him to come to his senses and now I feel like I've been kicked in the gut again. I know you all think I'm crazy for not just moving on after what you have just read but, I can't stop what I feel in my heart. Hopefully, someone can give me some insight other than to just move on. I also, apologize for the length of this!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 Don't be so quick to dismiss so lightly the " move on " suggestion, at your age and experience you should not let yourself be in the grip of an obsession, and an illusion, because that's what it is. You can't help what you feel, perhaps, but you have full control over YOUR ACTIONS.
You posted before about this guy, you wanted to get in touch with him on the base that you had heard vague rumors he wasn't happy with his current partner, and he was driving by your house...Everybody told you, let it go, he was the one to dump you because he was not happy, - and quite a while ago - he is the one showing he has moved on, if he has changed his mind and wants you back,he should be the one to call you. This is not only a matter of pride , but,also, who tells you that he'd want to come back to you
even if is current relationship ends ? Maybe he'll want to be single , or with another woman.
It seems we were right, and it wasn't a difficult guess. What counts is what people DO, not what they say or are reported to have said . This guy , then, is an inveterate drunkard,- he's probably emoting all over the place when he is drunk, and very generous with expressions of love and affection... like most alcoholics.
What happened, - you know what happened, you told us. He wanted to be free to drink and do as he pleased, and you spoiled his fun by your constant tryng to reform him. Since he had no intention whatsoever to stop drinking, at a certain point he got fed up with the pressure, and left. ( In fact, he must have liked you a lot, for lasting that long ). This guy has an alcohol addiction, like for all addicted, " love " is a relative concept to him, because whomever they love or say they love or think they love... they always love their addiction best , the addiction is their beloved mistress and eventually she ends up winning .
Leave this guy alone, once for all, he's obviously enjoying his current single, carefree life ( even if at times he might fondly remember you and your common past, why not ). And don't blame the sister for having mislead you into hoping,probably she sees you as a good influence on her brother and HER wishful thinking ,on turn, misled her. Anyway, you have your own brain and your own judgement criteria, so you can base your decisions on them,regardless of what the sister says.
I think at this stage the question you should ask yourself , is not " how do I get him back 2 or " what goes on in his mind ". The question is : " WHY in the world would I want him back, supposing he were ever available again in future. The guy drinks like a fish, and made it clear he is not going to stop. I have a big problem with people who drink their live away ( otherwise I would not have been nagging for 7 yeras ) - so WHY I am so anxious to reinvite this big problem in my life ? "
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 This is just horrible for you, and I can empathise with you. I had something similar happen, only it had been the ex who suggested we get back together and when I phoned him a few days later to discuss arrangments etc his girlfriend answered the phone.
I cant answer why he has just thrown the marriage away, I dont know if anybody can. As for moving on, all you can do is continue to put one foot in front of the other as you move through the grieving process and try and get your life back on track.
Best wishes for all that is good to eventually make its way to you!
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