A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up because he wasn't sure about his feelings for me anymore. We'd been together for 3 years. I told him I couldn't be with someone who wasn't fully committed if I was. But truthfully i had my doubts. 2 weeks passed and he called me to tell me to check my email since i didn't have time to talk. He sent me a message saying he'd been doing some soul searching and realised that life's become harder, but that he does still love and want to be with me. I said lets just take a bit more time because I wanted to make sure he was serious. It's been over a month now and i miss him terribly so I decided to visit him today. We chatted and he said he's waiting for me. But something had been bothering me. I called post-it (like on Grey's) and he told me he had slept with someone else. I had thought that for a while and had already dealt with it emotionally, but then he said it was after the email. I was so confused. I really wanted to be with him and have truly forgiven him. But I told him I deserve more and when he figured out how he can offer me that, i'll be waiting. I said he needs to fight for me because I'm not a doormat. He just sent me a text to say I deserve more and he cant live up to it. That we should just move on. But that he will always love me and be there if I need him. And to please look after myself. Wtf. I want him to realize that he's more than enough and that I wont hold it against him in future. Help, what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): i think your right. i think he should've fighted for you back.
but people never change. so go find someone else who will not want to sleep with someone else when you break up
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Perhaps I should clarify and update. My issue is that I wasn't being selfish by letting him go the first time. I thought that it would be better for him if I let him go. I cried myself to sleep almost every night but I knew it was the right thing.
After the email I called him. We officially decided that it was not a break up but just a break. We took more time because we had both been hurt and we just needed to evaluate alone what we wanted and how to move forward. He also still wanted space.
What confuses me is that in the time after we had this chat but before we'd get back together he then went on a date and slept with this girl. After he had reproclaimed his love.
I told him after I found out that it would've been ok had it been when we were still broken up, but that if he did that is he sure he wants to get back together.
But I took your advice and sent him a long message saying exactly how and what I meant, that I did still want to be with him and that he should never feel like he's not good enough, if you met him you'd understand. He's sweet, attentive, understanding, accepting, and we only make each other better. Then I got no reply. I'm not usually impatient but seriously some sort of confirmation that he got the message would've been nice. But hours later I had no answer.
Fate intervened though, I got injured at work, and he's my 'in case of emergency'. It was nothing serious as I told him on the phone. He said he got my message but is still thinking about it.
I'm really confused and just need some more insight and advice.
Before my life starts feeling like 'slow dancing in a burning room'.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 I don't quite see why did you want him to fight for you and what there's to fight about,
He broke up with you, then he changed his mind. You,rightly, asked him some time to decide what you wanted to do... and in the meantime he slept with someone else.
Personally I am not too fond of people who has casual sex or sees sex just as a form of recreation, but nobody is obliged to live his sex life the way I like, or you like.
You two were broken up. He had no obligation to be faithful to you, even after he sent the e-mail. You had not replied yet, he did not know if you two were going to get back together. At the time he was your EX bf.
I guess this is a lesson in "always say what you mean and mean what you say ". If you were bothered by the fact that he had slept with somebody after e-mailing you, you should have said just plainly that. Sorry if I do not sound supportive, actually I am and I understand your predicament, I just think that life would be so much easier if people would only start talking from their heart and not from their ego.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean this to sound cruel! After reading this I thought,what did you expect? He was having doubts about your relationship. Which everyone does from time to time in every long term relationship. So you pushed him away from you by asking for full commitment from him.Then after he got in touch saying that he did love you and did want to be with you, you pushed him away again by asking for more space.Then more weeks later you get back in touch and you tell him that how he has been was not good enough for you, and gave him an ultimatum. So he gave you an answer and let you go to find someone you deem good enough.I can see your point of view, hun. You want someone who is going to be strongly decisive about wanting to be with you, not someone who is unsure and who will move on and sleep with someone else not long after you've broken up.But I can see his view also. If he was unsure, for whatever reason, you didn't endear yourself to him by pushing him away and telling him you need him to fight for you. The guy probably didn't know where he stood with you and was giving you space, waiting for you to make the first move to get back together. A lot of guys don't understand what women say, when we say one thing and expect the guy to do what we secretly want them to do ie fight for you. He heard you wanted space, he gave you space, and waited, got fed up waiting and had rebound sex in the meantime. Then when you finally get back in touch you say you deserve more, so he decides you don't think he is enough for you.I can understand how upsetting break ups are, especilly if its due to a breakdown in communication and misunderstanding. It could be that being honest with him could rectify the damage and you could get back on track. It does seem that he loves you from his text saying to look after yourself, thats sweet. It might be better to wait and see how you both feel after a while. If you don't want to be a doormat, going back to him would give him the power in your relationship. Or it might be best to chalk this one up to experience. After all he didn't really fight for you. Perhaps there is someone better suited for you out there. Only you can know the answer, but if he has decided for definate it may be best to move one.Sorry if this came across as harsh, I just wanted to give you my view as I've known guys in similar situs, split up with their girl then she game him mixed signals and in the end he gave up and moved on, although he loved her and had been prepaired to marry her.I wish you luck and happyness with whatever happens.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 "not sure about feelings, still love you" means I am not interested in you anymore but hang in there in case I can't find anyone else. Soul searching, that's what he's supposed to do, right? He's not going to tell you he's looking around. Life becomes harder, of course it's hard, all that time without sex. He found someone else and has already broken up with you. You don't need to do anything and I should say the break up has finalized. Look for someone who wants to commit or adjust your attitude a bit, which means free up your attachment to live a certain way and to know the outcome of things. It's never a good sign when you have to pressure someone to commit.
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