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male
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anonymous
writes: I told my wife things that werent true about a friend before we married that made it look to her as competition. I really didnt look at this woman that way; I did it to make me look better, but it backfired. Now she believes it to be true. I also have this same problem when we argue and she hurts my feelings when she brings up past partners and in a moment of jealousy, I lie and try to get her back with telling her something in my past that would make her hurt that's not true. I don't mean to do this so I try to tell her it's not true, that I do it in a fit of anger or retaliation. I have done this on several occasians and she will never believe I didn't mean it. She keeps saying I did mean it. How can I make believe me again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): I think it is time for you both of you, to rebuild, re-commit to each other and pull this marriage together. It is time for you both to stop playing games and hurting each other and begin acting like grownups. I sure hope that's what you both want...if not, this marriage will sink. You are both out of control and using your marriage to be cruel and lash out at each other. The end result has been a lot of useless, unecessary pain and emotional damage. Get into some marriage counseling with the focus being on 'how to argue fairly and in a mature, adult manner.' You both need to fully understand that in most marriage arguments, each person's well being and needs, come before one's own wants. Sadly, most marriage arguments are only really about power and control. She sounds like she is refusing to be controlled by your anger and pettiness. I don’t blame her. We all would. But she has to learn to forgive. She is hanging on to the hurt, far too long. Get into marriage counselling. Good Luck and I wish you both the best.
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (23 February 2006):
 Once something is said be it in anger or not, it is said and so cannot be unsaid, words hurt and they are meant to hurt at the time, oftern when the heat is off we regrett what we said and try to get ourselves out of the hot water.
My advice is to realise what you have said is the past and you really will jsut have to accept that you were stupid and spitefull as she is when she say`s stuff and promise yourself to not continue telling lies or being hurtful when you row.
I make a rule now of thinking about what I say rather than just thinking it so saying it and expecting my partners to forgive and forget as i realise now they wont and in future rows it is bound to re-apear.
I would rather appear to sulk than to verbally fight, as this way I dont say much, mind you I do when very angry say to people who continuously ask me what they have done to upset me :"dont ask the question if the answer may offend" This is my warning, but on the whole it is better to say nothing when you are angry and say what you really mean when things are calmer and under controle.
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