A
female
age
51-59,
*imhyoungseok
writes:I am a 44 years old divorced woman. 15 years ago when I was 29, I dated this one guy who was an American soldier. I wasn’t very much attracted to him at first, so it took a lot of effort for him to get me into a relationship. We never said ‘I love you’ to each other, but I really loved him. I wasn’t perfectly sure about his feelings about me but I knew that he really felt for me; not just a fling. Wherever we went, he would hold me close to him. Whatever I did, he wouldn’t take his eyes off me. He gave me the most romantic and the most memorable kisses in my life.However, one day, I found out that he was married. I was disappointed and heartbroken. I sent him an email of farewell, and I stopped replying to his messages.3 years later, he was stationed to my city again and he contacted me. We met and he said I was like an angel to him and his feelings were true. He told me that he was married and this time I didn’t care. We both didn’t want to ruin his marriage, so we didn’t call each other. We met only once a month. Each rendezvous ended up having sex. As time went on, I felt lonely and pathetic. I thought this relationship was unfair. I also felt jealous of his wife thinking she must be prettier and smarter than me so he couldn’t leave her….So I met a new guy. He was obviously interested in me, so I jumped to a relationship with him. One day, when I was with him, I received a text message from the soldier saying “I’ll be visiting your town tonight. Will you stay with me?” My new boyfriend got angry of course. So I didn’t’ reply to the message and that was the end of his adultery with me.About a month ago, I found one of my ex boyfriends on Facebook. It made me recall my past lovers, and I found the soldier. He is now 51. I am on his friend list so I can see his pictures and posts. My surprise - his wife is a big and ugly!! Well, at least to my eyes. Apparently they are still in love saying ‘The love of my life’ to each other. He also posts his thoughts about politics, patriotism, history, family values, his struggles in the past and stuff. He is apparently Mr. wisdom and Mr. good deeds to his friends and family.I have mixed feelings towards him. I miss him, I respect him, I admire his achievements… but I also despise him. Sometimes I feel like contacting his wife. It will hurt her but she looks like a good hearted woman who deserves the truth. I know I shouldn’t do that but it haunts me. How should I get over this desire?
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divorce, facebook, heartbroken, jealous, mistress, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 May 2017):
 No you should not hurt his wife. You where the one who done wrong, you had sex with him knowing he was married, so now you need to live with that. Also so does he. But why take it out on her? Why comment on her looks? She may be big and ugly to you, but he choose her over you, he wanted you for sex nothing else! He came home to her time and time again. She may not look perfect on the outside, but she may be twice the woman you will ever be and have good morals you will never know! Delete him from social media so you cannot see his post and live your own life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): WHY should OP tell his wife?
To inflict the same and very deep level of HURT and PAIN on HIM that he obviously inflicted on HER!
Married men think they can have it all. Get away with it all. Well, the women receiving their pathetic crumbs don't see it that way and in time they do become resentful.
Men need to stop this little fantasy that they can just extract sex from women whenever they want and not expect any consequences or fall out... THIS IS A FANTASY! Because women do get attached and you know what they say about a woman scorned. Our emotions take over sooner or later and a jealous, emotional mistress does become a liability. Because married men toy with our emotions. It is pure and absolute emotional abuse they inflict on their mistresses to get sex from them. And then what? They expect her to go away like a good little girl after he is done with her and has used her all up? And then moves on to someone else or to suddenly becoming the perfect husband and family man?
Yeah, OP knew he was married. But he also knew that by having sex with another woman while married, he would be accepting the consequences of his actions.
With the good comes the bad.
So, OP, if you feel he was a true asshole to you, then go ahead and do whatever you want to do.
After all, HE is the one who chose to fuck around on his wife so he is the one who ruined his marriage. NOT YOU BY TELLING!
In the end, you would be doing her a big favour. That way she will not remain blindly loyal to a man who is cheating on her with other women. For years. Wasting her time. No woman wants to be with a cheating husband. And I will bet if you asked her if she would want to know, she would say YES.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): To contact his wife and hurt her is pure vindictiveness. You want to hurt him through her? She hasn't done a thing to you!!!
When you discovered he was married, that was your cue to end it all once and for all. How insensitive and mean to refer to her as big and ugly. What does she have to do with you and your untidy affair with her cheating husband?
Spitefulness begets a very bad karma. What goes around comes around. You have no right to hurt his wife. The odds are against you anyway, she'll blame you before she blames him.
Don't try to justify or rationalize it by claiming she needs to know the truth. The confession should come from him anyway. As once said in a Shakespearean play: "the truth will out itself!" His conscience will get the better of him.
It may come as a slip of the tongue. Better from him than you!
Besides, if you knew he was married and continued; what do you think her opinion of you will be? She just might tell you!
It's over. Forget and get-over him. Carry on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Kimhyoungseok +, writes (30 May 2017):
Kimhyoungseok is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the wise words. I know I should not contact his wife. I will never do that in real life. But I wanted to vent out my secret desire because it’s a thing that I cannot discuss even with my best friend.
I have moved on. I completely forgot about him for years until recently I found him Facebook. I have other exes on my Facebook list but my feelings are quite different towards him. I do not care about others.
In his writings, he acts as if he is a mentor, a man of wisdom, a man of good deeds. It makes me despise him a bit. Don’t you remember what we did? How can you say that you truly love your wife? I have a strong sense that I was not the only mistress you had although I don’t have any proof.
I should have said ‘she was not as pretty as I expected’ instead of ‘big and ugly’. When I was seeing him back in the days, I did not know at all what she looked like. I only presumed that she would be much prettier than me.
Honeypie said YOU bitterness towards HIM makes you want to lash out at HER. How is that fair? Well, you got me in this point. I agree 100%.
Recently, I watched a short TV drama based on a real story. In this drama, there is a young widow who discovers that her late husband cheated on her. She is heartbroken and shocked. But she is glad that she knows the truth and she can pursue a new relationship without any guilt. Oh my goodness it was my story in a different position!
I am not in a relationship now. Yes, I should find a new relationship to completely let go of everything. My ex husband was younger than me, so this time I want to date an older man. But it’s so hard when I’m 44. All the good guys are taken.
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A
female
reader, Kimhyoungseok +, writes (30 May 2017):
Kimhyoungseok is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the wise words. I know I should not contact his wife. I will never do that in real life. But I wanted to vent out my secret desire because it’s a thing that I cannot discuss even with my best friend.
I have moved on. I completely forgot about him for years until recently I found him Facebook. I have other exes on my Facebook list but my feelings are quite different towards him. I do not care about others.
In his writings, he acts as if he is a mentor, a man of wisdom, a man of good deeds. It makes me despise him a bit. Don’t you remember what we did? How can you say that you truly love your wife? I have a strong sense that I was not the only mistress you had although I don’t have any proof.
I should have said ‘she was not as pretty as I expected’ instead of ‘big and ugly’. When I was seeing him back in the days, I did not know at all what she looked like. I only presumed that she would be much prettier than me.
Honeypie said YOU bitterness towards HIM makes you want to lash out at HER. How is that fair? Well, you got me in this point. I agree 100%.
Recently, I watched a short TV drama based on a real story. In this drama, there is a young widow who discovers that her late husband cheated on her. She is heartbroken and shocked. But she is glad that she knows the truth and she can pursue a new relationship without any guilt. Oh my goodness it was my story in a different position!
I am not in a relationship now. I should find a new relationship to completely let go of everything. My ex husband was younger than me, so this time I want to date an older man. But it’s so hard when I’m 44. All the good guys are taken.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 What will you get out of hurting her? You seem to be punishing her for not being pretty in your eyes! You were jealous of her when you thought that she was smarter and prettier but now that you know she's not, you're thinking what? He had fun with me and this big and ugly woman (your words not mine) got to have the honour of being his wife while I was just the dirty secret? How dare he do this to me and how could she have him but not me? Why not me? I'm alone and divorced while she has him all to herself. How is that fair?
You telling her about the affair would feel like a vindication for you.
If you're a decent person, and I'm sure you are or you wouldn't? have asked the question here, then you should just let it go. Block him, delete him, just completely blank him out. Focus on yourself.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 I agree with the others.
You are jealous that she has him, this isn't doing her a favour, this would tear her life apart. Like honeypie said you didn't care about her back then so why would you suddenly feel bad about it now?
Get rid of him from Facebook. His life is none of your concern, stop feeling bitter about this. Why would you want him anyways? He is a cheat that used you to get himself off whilst he was away from his wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 You didn't give a FLYING fart about her when you KNOWINGLY entered (or re-entered) an affair with this man, but NOW... you care?
I get that you feel she should know, but you don't want to tell her for HER sake, you want HER to hurt like YOU hurt.
So WHAT if she is big and ugly? You think she can't be loved because of how she looks? that it's OK to HRTU her because she is "big and ugly"?
YOU bitterness towards HIM makes you want to lash out at HER. How is that fair?
How is what happened 15 years ago something that NEEDS to be brought up and into the light?
I'm sorry, that you still hurt from CHOOSING to have an affair with a married man. And that YOU somehow haven't moved on. It doesn't justify hurting ANOTHER woman.
REMOVE him from your social media, STOP looking him up. Find what makes YOU happy in life and pursue that. Telling HER will NOT make you a happier person.
Don't ruin other people's lives because YOU aren't happy with yours.
While in MANY cases, I'm ALL for the cheater to be exposed. But 15 years later? WHAT good would that do ANYONE?
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A
female
reader, frogs84 +, writes (30 May 2017):
 The problem with Affairs, is that someone always gets hurt.. now I've heard of people wanting to tell the injured party of their spouses wrong doings because they feel guilt and want to unload that burden. But from what I'm reading here it doesn't seem that way atal. It sounds a bit spiteful tbh. Seems like you can't have him so don't want anyone else to have him and comparing yourself to his wife in envy then basically saying it's okay coz she's big and ugly!! Whether she was beauty or not she's his wife and you crossed a line being with a married man and therefore either take the consequences or carry the burden of your guilt. I'm not sure how you can say that you respect him and then want to tell his wife? I'm sorry I just find your post quite confusing tbh. The truth always ALWAYS comes out in the end and his wife will be inevitably heartbroken. My advice to you is stop prying on this mans life and lusting over what is not yours. Let go and move on properly with your new bf and build a life with him. Stop living in the past. Do not hurt this woman out of jealousy or anger. Good luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 May 2017):
 Here's the problem -- why would you call his wife?? You showed as much moral bankruptcy as your ex did the moment that you decided to knowingly carry on with the affair after learning that he was married. They weren't your marriage vows, but as a member of society, you showed disrespect and disregard for marriage, and you became his accomplice to the deception and the betrayal.
You didn't mention whether or not YOU are currently in a relationship right now, but if you are, then you have no business staying in contact with an ex. Likewise, contacting her to tell her of the affair won't change anything. She'll find out, and they may split, or they may work on the marriage, as now they have 15+ years invested. On top of that, if there are children involved, you'll be devastating innocent kids who never did you any wrong.
You need to look forward in your life, not backwards. You said that you're divorced now?? You won't find your way through life looking backwards to an affair from your 20's.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 Why hurt that woman, she has done nothing wrong in all this. It wont punish him for cheating on her, nor will it absolve any guilt you hold for having sex with him even though you knew he was married.
The best thing you can do is delete him from your facebook friends list and block them both so that you are no longer tempted to stalk them, spy on them, feel jealous of his wife or be tempted to do something that will hurt a woman who doesn't deserve it.
I hope you do the right thing!
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