A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For those of you in a long-term relationship, how much time do you spend with your significant other? Lately I've been feeling frustrated with the amount of time my boyfriend and I spend together. We've been dating for five years and don't live together yet, but he sleeps over pretty much every night. During the work week, he spends two nights hanging out with his friends and then comes over really late just to sleep. The other work days, he spends time on his hobbies at his house after work and then comes over around 8. It feels like there's pretty much only time to eat dinner, talk a little bit, and go to sleep. We spend Friday nights together, but we're both so exhausted from the week that it's not much fun. Again, it feels like we pretty much just get dinner, watch TV, and go to sleep. Saturdays he wakes up and goes home to do housework and spend time on his hobbies. Saturday night he spends with his friends. Sunday he spends the whole day on housework and hobbies again and doesn't come over until around 8. So ultimately, we spend 3-5 hours together 4/7 days. Although there are definitely exceptions to this routine (i.e., times we spend more time and have more fun together), I just feel like in general I am not getting enough quality time out of him. When I bring this up, he seems to think I'm being clingy and pathetic. He suggests I hang out with my friends more. I happen to work with my friends, so I see them enough as it is. He also suggests I have hobbies of my own. Indeed, I do have hobbies of my own and spend plenty of time doing them while he is gone, but they aren't enough for me. I need more time with the person I love. What do you guys think? Am I being ridiculous? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 May 2017):
 You both want different things, he is happy with things the way they are but you want and need more. You either both need to communicate and work together to come up with a plan or else this relationship is never going to work. It is all about compromise and if he is not willing to move on this then maybe this is the end off the road for you guys?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): Just one question. If given more quality-time, what will you do with it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): Edit: "Experience has touch us both a lot about what can kill a relationship."
Correction:
Experience has taught us both a lot about what can kill a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): You say it has lasted five years? Why has it lasted so long?
In all relationships, each one of us have our friends, family, and personal-interests. We divvy our time between our lovers, friends, family, and ourselves. I may get only five hours in a week with my boyfriend. He is a business-man, and I supervise and manage a large corporate office. I squeeze in time to offer advice on this site. I can multitask like crazy, but I'm careful not to get sloppy.
Sometimes you'll see typos, because I'm rushed! Sorry!
Either he's tired or I'm tired; so either of us will devise something relaxing that will benefit us both. We'll take a walk for some fresh air, or go for a long drive. Sometimes we hardly say a word; but the time together is precious, and we savor the moments. I've learned much over many years. I make the best of whatever I have. We have a surprise date each month; that neither tells what we're going to do or where we're going. Sometimes you have to be the one to do the planning. He figures you're a homebody. He's not!
You're at the magical 3-5 year mark I often mention in my posts. This is the make-it or break-it stage of a long-term relationship. You now must come to terms with where it's going; and decide if it's good enough to keep going.
Sounds like he's a pretty tidy guy, surely you're welcome to spend time with him at his place sometimes? Why not?!!
Over my life-time my relationships have lasted, 28 years, one for only 10 months, and the present just hit four years.
I had to learn to make adjustments for them, as they had to learn to adjust for me. I miss my boyfriend when I have to travel for business, or if he has to do the same. I know when I should give him space, and I don't spend a lot of time calculating the hours we're apart. I hear from him every single day. He instinctively seems to know when to give me more face-time; as I will cancel appointments, or take a personal-day just to spend time with him. We do this through compromise. We talk and avoid giving each other drama. Experience has touch us both a lot about what can kill a relationship. You can't always get along!
Make the time you are together pleasant. Minimize whining and complaining. Don't be an octopus or boa constrictor and wrap yourself around him; because that is clingy smothering behavior that men really don't like. If time with you is irritating; he is purposely avoiding you. Just a few words to the wise.
Tell him how you feel. Ask him if he would rearrange his schedule and routines to give you more time together.
If he's too independent for your taste or doesn't compromise; maybe it's time for a change. You may have to let him go.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 This is a compatibility question. You are not being ridiculous, but neither is he. Some people need more quality time with their loved one. Others need less. Look up the five love languages for a start. If he is not willing or able to compromise, then maybe you and him arent compatible any longer.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 Correction: Just because you two have been together for a while, it is still possible that you two are a mismatch and that it's just taken this long for it to come to light.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 May 2017):
I this is how you feel then this is how you feel. No matter how 'clingy' or 'pathetic' he thinks you're being this is your opinion on the matter.
If he will not discuss the issue at hand then he does not think there's a problem, therefore there will never be a solution.
You need to stick to your guns, tell him how unhappy this is making you and that it's a deal breaker (as that's what it sounds like to me). Either spend more time together or you will find someone that wants to, just because you've been together for a while doesn't mean that you two may be mismatched and starting to drift apart.
I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable at all, I think he should be happy to spend more time with his GF. That's unless he isn't feeling unhappy with the relationship himself. Either way you need to get to the bottom of this and see where to go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 I don't think you are clingy .... your relationship sounds boring and bland. When do you go on dates? What's in this relationship for you? It sounds as if the only time you spend together is when you sleep. Are there any fun times? Shared times? Movie nights, shared meals out, time shared with his friends? What do you do together?
Are his hobbies home based or do they take him outside the home?
Although your relationship does sound as if its not much fun I do feel you could increase your circle of friends to include people who you don't work with, if you stop working there for any reason its possible that friend group would fade away.
Does he leave personal items at your place? Toothbrush, clean underwear ... that sort of thing? Do you have the same at HIS house? Do you ever sleep there? The reason for my questions is that there seems to be a great imbalance in your relationship, weighted all his way. A little more information might assist in giving your some tips for improving the relationship, or to help you determine if it is worth you putting any more energy into.
So, try talking to your boyfriend again. Maybe suggest that you spend a few nights at his place for some variety.
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