A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year. He made it clear from the start he didn't want more children, he has a daughter from his relationship with his ex wife, and I have a daughter from a relationship in my late teens. My daughter is now 11, so when we met and I met his daughter who was 4 at the time, I have to admit I really enjoyed being around a small child again and playing barbies, doing their hair, dress up all that kind of thing. I approached my boyfriend about having more children and the reason why he wouldn't want any more and he was really straight forward, the cost alone was the reason he wouldn't do it again. I'm 28, and he is 36 so while I wasn't ready to say no to ever having more children I have accepted that he doesn't want one right now, or possibly in the future either. I got over it and enjoyed spending time with both our daughters. Then I fell ill in March, and spent almost a week constantly throwing up. Being pregnant didn't even cross my mind due to being on the pill. It was only when my Dr pointed out the symptoms, that I worked out I was late but only by a day or two. Anyway, the test came back positive and he sent me to the hospital for a scan due to the vomiting. When I went home, and once my daughter was in bed, I rang my boyfriend and told him I needed to talk to him. He was still at work until late so I told him over the phone. He wasn't pleased and said some awful things. I ended up going to bed and ignoring his calls later that night. I went to the hospital and everything was OK with baby so I waiting until he said sorry for all the things he had said. The baby wasn't planned, and i had no intention of 'trapping' him. I have my own home, a good job and a child who I adore, I don't need to trap a man for any reason. After a few days he came over and we talked. We decided to deal with it one day at a time, and he did seem excited to see the scan photo. When we went for the 12 week scan last week, there was no heartbeat and they told us we had suffered a miscarriage. I was heartbroken and his reaction was 'Well, it wasn't planned so at least it wasn't something we wanted.' Like seriously, wiping away my tears he says that? My 11 year old was more supportive. He left not long after he dropped me back home and I cancelled the plans to take the girls to the cinema together this weekend. (They still went, I just didn't). He didn't even come in when he dropped my daughter back afterwards, but his daughter came in with a get well card, which started me crying again and she told me daddy had cried too. I don't get him. He tells me he didn't want the baby and then he cries to his 5 year old. He won't talk me, and I don't want to talk to him. My best friend is the only other person who knew I was expecting, has said she will talk to him but is it even worth it. I'm just so upset I don't know what to do, I want him to be sad but I don't want him to be sad. I want to talk to him but I'm so angry at him. Please help me.
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at work, best friend, ex-wife, heartbroken, his ex, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AnnalisaV +, writes (2 May 2017):
 Hi,
I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
I've been there twice, so I know how hard it is... on both parents, even when a pregnancy is unplanned.
You know, the first time I miscarried, nobody thought of my husband's pain; also, some people expected the trauma to tear us apart, because it is very difficult to talk about and support each other through the loss of a baby and so many couples turn their pain into regret and resentment.
Trust me, he is suffering, probably even feeling guilty for not having wanted the baby in the first place and, of course, his words to you were an attempt to make you feel better, when he was in shock himself.
Not only does he need you to reach out to him, but you need him, his hugs, his reassurance that he'll still be there.
Try not to be angry, but just reach out, ask him how he's feeling and take it from there.
I wish you both all the best from here on xx
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 May 2017):
 PS. Are you sure it's anger you feel, and not pain?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 May 2017):
I think what you are feeling and going through emotionally is normal for a woman in your situation. I've not had a miscarriage myself, but I am frequenting a forum online where a lot of women have experienced this. They all tell mostly the same, that they were grieving, and while the man was also sorry about the loss, he got over it very quickly, too quickly in their mind. And that he would not be very understanding of their pain, not understand why the women hurt so much, or why for so long.
The theory is that it's because the man doesn't feel a connection to the fetus the same way the woman does. It IS a different experience to have a life growing inside you, as opposed to just being told there is a pregnancy. For him, he couldn't see it, couldn't feel it... Had no symptoms of his own. It becomes too distant. The men in general don't feel a real and deep connection until they see the belly growing larger, and can feel the baby kicking. It's like it isn't real until they can see and feel it themselves. So it is easier to move past a loss, the loss of something they never saw or felt. It was distant to him. It was close to you, you felt it from the start, you had the connection, it was in your body. But for him... it was just something he could not see or feel. Something distant.
I hope that helps to know, at least you know your boyfriend isn't the first or only man to react with such thoughts, or to be so "distant" from it. He grieves too, but will probably not grieve for long, and not so much as you will.
I think he cried to his daughter because it's easier than crying in front of you. Don't be upset that he did. Children can be easier to show feelings to, than adults. Children don't judge. Adults judge. Not that you would judge him, but society in general judges a man for showing feelings and crying. He could be trying to stay "strong" in front of you, to not lose face. Just let it be.
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