A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a partner that is completely conflict avoidant. She would rather have painful dental surgery I believe, than listen to me address a problem or feeling I have. I realize this is quite backwards for most couples, as the man is usually the one like this and the woman wants to talk. I grew up in a household of communicators. whenever there was a problem, it was addressed and talked about. Even if one was upset, it was still talked through until a solution was found. This is how I've always conducted my relationships. If there was a problem or I was upset, I went to my partner to talk. Vice versa.On the other hand, though, my partner wants nothing to do with it. If even the tiniest issue arises, she bolts for the door. And to be honest, I don't know how to deal with it. She will hang up on me while I try to talk about something important to me or express something that bothered me. Her explanation is "I'm avoiding a fight right now, so I'm just going to go." Then will just hang up. She will then ignore my phone calls if I attempt to call back. I quickly learned my lesson there. She will also stay mad at me for days over fights. And if I try to talk about it with her, to get to a resolution, she will be rude and short and condescending. It's like talking to a brick wall. And nothing I say matters. And she tells me I cannot make her talk. Sometimes she will get so overwhelmed, she will literally snap on me and call me needy. I've never been called that before in my life. Most women have appreciated my willingness to talk things through with them. I've found her behavior very off-putting and very hurtful. She's a stubborn woman and stays mad for extended periods of time and withholds communication, forgiveness, and love. She says that it's me always pushing her to talk when she is still mad and doesn't wish to. But I've never had a partner respond like this. And I don't know how to deal with a partner that refuses to communicate. She always used to tell me that her mother was the most stubborn woman in the world, but she had learned how to even be more stubborn than her to get her way. That they would even go for weeks without talking when a dispute would arise until one of them finally gave in. She used to be proud of this ability. I feel she uses this tactic on me. She is so proud and stubborn, she refuses to put her pride aside and just talk to me. She seems to not realize I'm not her mother. That I'm her partner who just wants to put things behind us.I feel she has a very unhealthy way of coping with conflict. In fact, in my opinion, she doesn't cope at all. She avoids it like the plague. And she punishes me by withholding love and forgiveness. And I feel this is very unfair behavior for someone you're supposed to love. I always am quick to apologize and quick to forgive. She is neither of those things. I'm all for taking time outs until both partners can regroup and talk calmly. But for days at a time to stay mad? And refuse to speak? Just because you're being stubborn? That, to me, feels unacceptable. And it borderlines on emotional abuse.I'm at my wits end. I can't handle it anymore. I've tried to reach out and tell her I can't be the only one in the relationship trying to work things out. That I needed her to do her part and stop ignoring me. She just told me to stop being so needy and she would talk when she wanted.I guess what my question is, is it fair to be this way to your partner? I feel as though I get punished for sharing my feelings. And neglected and ignored. And forced to wait for extended periods of time until SHE is ready to let it go. Help please, from all you wonderful advice-givers. Much appreciated. And sorry so long.
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female
reader, Martine  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Hi. I have just come out of a long relationship with someone like this. There is nothing wrong with you,but there is something wrong with her. What she is doing is aggresive and rude,and hs abusive what ever way you look at it. How dare she slam down the phone on you. The fact that she witholds and closes off is extremley controlling and nasty,and will continue to make you anxious and unhappy. She knows it makes you weak,and behaves like this to get her own way,so you won.t do it again,as you know what will happen. She is not compromising with you at all. I know this behaviour very well.as my ex done EXACTLY the same. That.s why I left. Can you see yourself going through this for the next five years? She may change a bit,but will always revert to her old responses. You sound like a nice man. I would seriously reconsider my options if I were you. X
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Poster here. I would be all for dropping it and letting it go or giving her her space, however, when I try to drop it for her, she just keeps being short and rude to me afterwards, as though she's still mad. So we clearly haven't "dropped it." If something is dropped, shouldn't things go back to normal? And if I give her her space to stay mad at me, she takes about a week to come to a point where she can be reasonable again. So my whole week gets ruined waiting for her to come around. That's a degree of stubborn I've never witnessed.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Don't take it personally. She's not doing this because she dislikes you or hates you or because of you. She's doing this because this is how she has dealt with conflict and she is merely continuing the pattern.
So, if you want her to change this pattern, you will need to do the counterintuitive thing and wait until she is back and then you can address your differing approaches to conflict.
I'm sure it doesn't feel fair to you that she avoids conflict just as it probably doesn't feel fair to her that you push to her face unpleasantness. Assuming she's not an abusive person.
There's a link I like that you can check out to see if she is an abuser: http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
If she's a reasonable person then you can sit her down and tell her that you dislike the way the conflicts between you play out and that you would like to discuss how to disagree. In other words, set the ground rules for how to fight. It sounds odd but it can really work if you two are both committed to the process.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 I am like her and my last relationship ended because of this. I tried to accommodate my partner and prepared scripts during the day to handle his conversations at night. I told him things he wanted to hear (I was actually quite good at that) but deep down inside I was complaining why he couldn't just figure it out himself. After a while talking to him felt phony and forced. I got honest with him and told him I just don't like talking and I don't feel connected through sharing problems. I like doing things together instead. For me, it's more like you have idea, then do it or not do it. Talking is a waste of time. I was called cold and unsupportive and that we weren't compatible with each other.
I grew up with a communicative mom but a quiet dad. I took on my dad's family's traits. My personality is pretty set and I don't think I would ever change it. I know exactly how to keep a man, no matter if he's a talker or a doer but being more authentic is more important to me. She doesn't feel a need to change herself either because when you talk about feelings she feels like you are making a problem out of nothing so the one that has to change is you. I think you have a basic incompatibility here.
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