A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i feel that I am a nice, friendly, and approachable person. People have told me that on a number of occasions (both guys and girls). Yet, I feel like I am a fairly confident person stuck in a shy persons body. I fit in with a lot of people, but lack of confidence somehow makes this difficult for me to know who my real friends are. this has happened to me for as long as I can remember and as a result, ive gotten really sick of just being that "nice guy," taking a backseat, being the target.i'm looking for ways to change this i.e feeling like i have a bunch of good friends, becoming more confident within myself, being more confident around my peers(especially around girls and at school), ridding myself of any self doubt that may be there and getting a better idea of who my real friends are. Any advice (especially from a girls perspective) would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Well being a nice guy will get you friends... lots of friends. Nice guys make good friends. They tend to be good listeners, generous, polite, caring, stable, loyal... all fantastic qualities for friendship. Fantastic qualities for maintaining serious relationships as well.
But where nice guys can fall short is actually getting into a serious relationship to begin with. Often too polite or too shy to approach girls of interest, be assertive or make moves on a girl for fear of rejection or coming across as sleazy. At least that was my experience... I'd listen to all my female friends whinge about what jerks guys were and I made it my mission never to be a jerk or a sleaze. But that's where I fell flat on my face as I mistook assertiveness as sleaziness and as a result, never approached girls. Ain't nothing wrong with being a nice guy... especially when you've got confidence.
As for shyness... well the kryptonite of shyness/awkwardness is comfort and confidence. You get comfort and confidence from practice, from being familiar with a situation and prepared for all you may encounter whilst in it. Practice something enough and good grief, you've done gone and got yourself a skill...
There's a reason they call it social skills. Anyone can learn social skills and anyone can overcome shyness... hate to say it, but you've just gotta practice. Get out there, put yourself in as many social situations as you can. Power through the shyness by reminding yourself that the only way it'll go away is if you keep being social and becoming comfortable talking to your peers and girls.
Good-luck :)
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 You know, I think society clings to labels like a 3 year old clings to a security blanket or a favorite stuffed animal. Same is true for a guy who is looking for girls. There's the myth that "nice guys finish last" and that girls are only looking for the bad boys who treat them like crap and run through as many women as they can, or emotionally distant angst-ridden cool guys.
Rather than focus on what you don't have (i.e. self-confidence and a self-labelled "nice guy" image), think about what you want instead for yourself and what you want in a girl and in your social interactions.
It's not "nice guys" that seem to have trouble getting girls. Girls are attracted to strength, humor, kindness, a cool talent or athletic skill, and a certain charisma. Think about how you dress. Do you just grab a balled-up shirt and faded jeans in the morning, or do you dress well? How about your hair? Is it unkempt and ratty, or do you put some thought into a style and a look?
What kind of girls do you want? That plays into your success with them as well. Are you only after those who run after the athletes or are into partying and stuff, or are you interested in a girl who will cherish you for you?
Also, at school, are you just going, then going home and playing video games and not cultivating a social life, or are you hanging out with the same 2 or 3 guy friends?
Start with what you know. Are you in any extracurricular activities? Are you in any school projects? That's a good place to start. I'm actually thinking that there is one girl already that you're interested in and wish you could be cool and confident in asking her out. Why not just do it? You're a good guy. Show some interest in what she likes. Be observant and figure out what she might be into and think of a date that's around that. Does she like the outdoors? A certain artist? Certain types of movies? How she dresses will tell you a lot about her too as well as her choice in friends.
Remember - don't talk yourself out of some girl because you're convinced that some "nice guy" label keeps you out of her league. Go get her!
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