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anonymous
writes: I'd like to reconnect to my Christian roots, but my wife won't hear of it. When we met neither one of us were church-goers. Over time (7 years) I've had contact with several churches that I feel represent the message I'd like to hear (acceptance, love, and the healing power of God in our lives, not fire and brimstone and "all homosexuals are going to hell. Vote Republican!") and that I'd like my son to learn. My wife gets upset when I even mention going to church. I feel like I'm trapped between what I want for my spiritual health (and our son's) and not wanting to freak out my wife. I think she is afraid that if we start going to church everything will change. She has a fear that I'll become some holy-rolling misogynist even though I think (hope) she knows me better.Has anyone out there been on either side of this issue, and if so how did you cope with it?
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 It is essential that you and your wife seek a position on this issue that you can both live with. Differences in religious beliefs, being based on dogma and personal belief, can be a showstopper for many marriages.
There is now a disconnect in the ways that you and your wife view the place of religion in your lives. If you and your wife cannot find a position that respects both of your belief systems then your son will suffer - and that would be a very sad outcome for the entire family.
I must ask you - what positive moral lesson does your son learn if his parents cannot compromise? Your son should be given the freedom to choose his own spiritual path, and he will be looking to BOTH OF YOU to set the proper example.
I know of what I speak. I chose Catholicism as an adult and married someone who does not belong to an organized religion but has moral beliefs that are similar to mine. Our kid goes to Catholic school, but we are both on guard for the kind of insidious indoctrination that can occur.
We like that the school provides an environment for building a good moral standard - but if I start to hear my kid mindlessly parrot church lines that have little connection to my moral standard, I will ensure that she questions the value of those statements. Both my wife and I are training our kid to think critically and not merely become a vessel for some of the wrongheaded teachings of the church.
Make sure you are tending to your own spiritual needs, but don't impose your process onto your family. You did not go into this marriage as a devout Christian, and your wife is rightly seeing your behaviour as a change in the paradigm of the relationship. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): I absolutely agree with you-I think every child should have some form of spiritual upbringing. You and your wife have very differing views of the church and what it does for people. I understand it goes against your wife’s wishes and wants for her son.. Nevertheless, you are making the best choice for your son. For many people, they do believe a church upbringing gives children proper spiritual direction, so that they will be able to withstand life's challenges and become good, giving people. While I truely believe this myself, I know many parents who have done an exemplary job themselves, without religion in their family. You are his parent, and it's up to you, to provide him with moral guidance. What religion does, is it continues to support and instill the rules of behavior, it also helps the parent to continue developing integrity and a clear distinction between right and wrong, within their child. So I can understand your motivations, for wanting this for your son. Perhaps she doesn't understand the full positive impact of religion. If I were you, I would work with her on this. Perhaps you need to arm yourself with pamphlets and a lot of good information on the church you have chosen. Show her what types of 'program's are available within the church for your son and explain how he'll greatly benefit. She is needing a nudge-she is needing a change in how she views the church. She's fearful and it's up to you to lay her worries and concerns to rest. Your son will deeply benefit spitiually. Explain to her...how. If anything, he will become a more compassionate, purposeful young man, as he grows up. What confuses me? Here you are, a man who has had a christianity upbringing, and she married you! Does she not see for herself, how religion played a pivotal role in forming 'who you are?' Just a thought. Good luck, dear
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): Oh and more often than not it all comes down to lifestyle and the changes or sacrifices one is not willing to make.
People think that change means they were wrong and when that happens; the ego is offended...all things run amok.
Attitude and perspective; she needs to adjust hers.
She might feel bad or guilty that you desire to attend church and bring back the spirit into your home as she isn't prepared or she will think she is lesser than you are in your life path.
Reassure you love her and that you desire to be even a better husband and better Father and that this will aid you in that mission.
By any chance; the Church you wish to attend is "against" her religious upbringing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): I think raising up your children with some good values and standards sets them up for success in life.
In the end when they are of an age of accountability then sure they can decide if it is for them or not.
I agree with living your beliefs as it will bring you peace and happiness as well as influence your family. You don't need to say a thing but you can still lead by example in all you do.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006): Well I know a part of the Christian religion is to pass the knowledge of the bible down to your children, but wouldn't it be more ethical to allow your children to choose that path when they have the mental capability to choose on their own?
As for your wife, I can comprehend this might be a difficult thing for you, since your heart wants one thing and your wife isn't supportive. Though you say you will not become a holy misogynist, there is a chance you might become one - even if you think you know yourself.
I've had associates that were very sure of themselves who became reborn Christians and eventually became very fundamental in their beliefs. When questioning their change, they simply say that it was about time or that they have seen/felt it was time to etc...
A suggestion for your dilemma, continue to follow your own beliefs, and over time, your wife might actually see you were totally sincere in your words, and that you didn't change. With this, it may encourage, even motivate her to go to church, etc.
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