A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so I asked this question before but didn't get any responses. I'm thinking maybe the one I asked before was too complex - like 3 problems in one - and I should just handle one at a time. My problem is this:I feel my boyfriend (of a year and a half) takes me for granted somewhat. We live an hour apart. He doesn't have a car and I do, so I do a lot of driving to see him and when we're together. I'm always trying to do favors for him, be romantic with him, build him up, etc. We only see each other on weekends and during the week he forgets to call... probably once a week (i.e. says, I'll call you tomorrow, then doesn't) Don't get me wrong, he's not a terrible boyfriend, he's just too comfy, and I can admit I have spoiled him.So I'm thinking I'll pull away a bit. I didn't go to see him this weekend, said I was busy with work stuff - which was not untrue (he is aware that the next few months at my job are gonna be intense)... I'm coming this weekend for his birthday, and still plan to treat him special because, well, it's his birthday! Then, I was thinking I should just see how long I can keep "busy." In general relationship advice, this pull back/assert independence idea always seemed sound. But now that I'm about to do it, I'm thinking, "He's not going to read anything into this. He's just going to think I'm busy and wait patiently for me to not be busy and come see him again."I'd tell him, "I'm starting to feel a little taken for granted" (in fact, I did say this a few months ago) but he always gets SO defensive with any criticism, though afterward that last time, he did say thanks for telling him. In the end, not much changed though.What's a girl to do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Hey, guys, thanks for the advice - all three of you!
I'm thinking I'll take a bit from each.
An appointment came up (haven't told him about it) in his town right next to his work next Wednesday, his actual birthday. (We're just celebrating this weekend, since I didn't think we'd be together on the day). I'm thinking I'll surprise him at work, pop in, say hi, happy birthday, quick kiss, then leave. If things were better between us, I would probably have stayed the night in that situation. I'm going to see if three weeks no calling, occasionally not answering his calls, and no driving over is enough for him to have some sort of reaction. I also have a friend coming into town in a couple weeks, so for that weekend I won't even say it's work, I'll let him know I'm spending time with her. THAT he might notice. If not, I'm going to try maddison's suggestion. And if anything goes south I'm going to stand my ground, and not give in to his histrionic defensiveness.
I love him, but I'm not afraid to lose him - for the right reasons.
Thanks again guys!
OP
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): You think he's a good guy, but... He forgets to call, he's got no transport, you have to make the one hour there and one hour back trip to see him each time? You spoil him and think up nice treats for him. You are a great girl friend to him.
When a girl spoils a guy a lot more than he spoils her then he can start to think he's got it made, and that he's more deserving than her.
Ever wondered why some girls consistently get treated better? Because they don't put up with unequal treatment.
If he values you he will lift his game.
If he does nothing to lift his game, then you've learnt a little more about him.
what's a girl to do?
He rings you infrequently? Easy solution to that one. You explain that his infrequent calls and his forgetfulness about making a promised call to you make you feel that he is low-prioritzing you and your relationship, and that makes you feel sad. As a result you will phone him no more often than he phones you. It will bring home to him how much he does not put in to this relationship.
How much effort did he put into your birthday? If he did very little then feel free to return the favor. Once again it will underline how much effort you put in versus how much effort he puts in.
He's used to treats and being spoilt. I hope he enjoys all that pampering. You know what's coming up. When was the last time he made the effort to treat you extra special? If the last treat/spoiling was from you, then hold off until he can find a way to be creative or thoughtful towards you. Get him thinking that he's had it too easy, because he has. He's come to expect you'll be the giver.
Is there a reason why he has no access to a car? What guy over 25 has not got around to getting a car? Is there some philosophical objection to cars on his
part? Is there a physical reason why he can't drive a car? A religious reason?
If No, then next?
Does he have a driver's license? A job? If yes, tell him to save up for a car.
If he still can't do anything about organising his own transport then explain it's all gas money he's not expending, and money he's not expending on wear and tear on a car. So perhaps occasionally he could purchase the gas when you go on an excursion together?
Forget the histrionics when he's accused of taking you for granted. Because he does take you for granted.
Tell him to take it on the chin.
He's had it too easy for too long.
You are just too kind, too generous and too thoughtful towards him.
He's a very lucky guy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Sorry, but to me it seems that he is just not that into you.
You say that if you back off he'll just miss your point and wait patiently for you to be not so busy....What, like if you disappear for , say, 6 weeks , he 'd just say : Oh well, I guess she is busy, no problem, she'll show up eventually ". Wouldn't he miss you, wouldn't he come to look for you, wouldn't he be worried or at least curious ? ...If this is the case, excuse me but that it's not even a relationship, that's you loving him and he letting you love him.
Said that, Maddison's advice is very good, it's always better being propositive than accusing. Rather than say " I feel taken for granted " maybe you can say very specific things : " I am really overworked and pressed for time, I need you to help me by doing A,B, and C, thank you " ( i.e. : calling me Tuesday at 8.30pm- taking a bus to come and visit me this weekend, etc.etc. ) Some people are just not good at putting themselves in another's shoes and if you don't tell them EXACTLY what you want from them, -they
won't think it on their own.
Of course, if you have to tell him more than twice, and he still refuses to lift a finger... then you have your clear,final answer .
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A
female
reader, maddison  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 I think the pull back method is always handy if talking doesn't seem to making your point. However, if you truely believe he wont read anything into it you run the risk of growing apart while he "patiently waits" for you to come back to him. Perhaps you should try talking to him again but instead of saying how you feel taken for granted suggest ways he could help you by doing a little more for your relationship while you are so busy with work, by maybe coming to see you or arranging a relaxing weekend for the two of you. He may surprise you.
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