A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Next weekend I am going to be asking the biggest question I have ever asked. My gf and I are in a gay relationship and have been for just over two years. She's the one. We have discussed marriage and have both said we'd like to get engaged soon. We get on great with each others families and I am particularly close to her older brother, who I already kind of see as my brother in law. We have a really good relationship and my girlfriend, him and myself frequently go out drinking together, sometimes with his flat mate. Their mother is deaf (they are from a deaf family, though both of them are hearing) and although our relationship was difficult at first due to communication barriers, since learning to sign, her and I have bonded over knitting - of all things! My girlfriends brother has also told me that he thinks their mother really likes me. He says she does things around me she'd only do with someone she trusted. Like she's let me be on my own in her house before whilst she's popped out for something. When my girlfriend first came out, her mither didnt speak to her for 3 months, such was her dissaproval. over time she has accepted it. And now, her brother says, the way she is with me, accepting me already as part of her family, shows how open she is to our gay relationship. That's a big deal for her. She's also from an older generation and although isn't elderly, is getting on now. I wouldn't say her and I are really close, but we get on when around each other. We've recently starting having a laugh with each other too which is great.But here's the issue.About 5/6 years ago my girlfriend was married to another woman. The marriage lasted less than a year however as her then wife cheated on her with a man. My partner has said to me that the day of the wedding she knew she was making a mistake and wanted to just run. she said she had a gut feeling something was going on. Then came a lengthy divorce process where her ex dug her heels in all the way. In fact when my gf and I first got together over 2 years ago, the divorce was still ongoing. Not because of any settlement, just because her ex wouldn't sign papers, kept moving house and not telling courts where she was etc. my gf was honest with me and said she had this crazy ex and we got through it together. She is now divorced and are happily together. However, the whole situation with her ex has left a bitter taste with her mother and brother. Her father passed away when she was younger, so her brother is very much the male head of the family. He's told me that their mother never liked the ex and more than anything she HATED how nobody told her about the engagement. It was just suddenly there. She felt left out of the whole engagement and wedding. Perhaps because she's from an older generation, she feels things like asking parents permission are vitally important. More so because the father is dead, maybe she feels she should have been consulted. Which is why I have two people to ask, not one. I've arranged to see my partners brother next weekend and I'm going to ask him two things. 1). I'm going to ask for his blessing as a friend, my future brother in law and my girlfriends older brother, for me to propose. And 2) his help asking their mothers permission. Although I can sign, I am not fluent and this isn't something I want to stumble over so I may need him on hand to help sign it to her.But how do I say it?I know he hates my partners ex with a passion. And I know he would do anything not to see his sister hurt again. But he also knows we make each other happy and he knows we want to marry but how do I word this question to him, keeping in mind all that's happened. Nearer the start of our relationship, my gf and I had a rough patch. Due to the stress of her divorce and her crazy ex, who on more than one occasion threatened to have us both beaten up. My partners brother was privy to the stress this caused and yes, her and I probably did take it out on each other. We were both in a bad place but new we had something special so stuck with it and now we are happier than ever. Her brother knows this too. It's going to be one of the most important questions i ever ask.Guidance?I guess one of the things I fear him saying is worrying we are rushing things. But we aren't. Something I have come to realise about my relationship with my gf is that we have something that perhaps is rare? I hear about so many couples who have problems with wandering eyes, cheating, affairs, lies, etc. and I can honestly say, we have had nothing of the sort. We are both very comfortable in our sexuality, and aren't even remotely interested in other sexual partners. I find it bizarre when i hear of people checking their partners phones - why on earth would i check her phone? i trust her. We go out to clubs and im so comfortable in my trust of her that if i see a woman flirting with her, i dont even bat an eyelid. shes an attractive woman, shes bound to get attention. But i know its not going anywhere. shes coming home with me. we are very, very, happy together. It's been that way for two years. And is not as if there haven't been opportunities, for both of us. But every single time, we have turned others down for each other, consistently. I think that says a lot about our relationship with each other. Why wait? We know its each other we want to be with.We would far rather get married and be able to get on with our lives. We want the same things any couple want. Nice home. Family. Maybe a dog? We both have stable careers too. Marriage feels like the next step that we want to take.It's a horrible fact, but in order for us to access fertility treatment or even adopt, we have to have been married for at least 5 years. We want kids. The clock is ticking :( that of course isn't our reason for getting married, but we would be putting our heads in the sand if we ignored it. So, I'm asking for advice. How do I word this? What are your thoughts? If I get his blessing, which I feel I will, what words should be choosing for the mother? And what if the mother says no? Then what?Help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 I think talking to her brother will be very easy. You already get on with him and he knows your relationship well. I don't think he will be comparing you to her ex, you are two totally different people and a totally different relationship. When you talk to him tell him basically what you wrote here- "I want to propose to _____. As you know I love her very much and I'd really love your blessing before I do this." Don't mention her ex and how you are different because she has nothing to do with anything. After he responds, favorably I'm expecting, say you also want to get his mother's blessing before proposing and would like help on how to approach her. Ask if he will be with you so that he can help with signing to her. I think once he is on board you can both come up with what to say, but it will most likely be the same statement you made to your gf's brother. If her mom asks questions then answer them.
As for if her mother says no what happens? That's up to you and your girlfriend. If you feel you can go on without her blessing and will definitely be getting married then do so and hope she comes around. If she says no and gives a valid reason why she feels that way try to assure her it will be okay (in case she is worried you will cheat etc). But if she is adamant about it and saying no then it's up to you and your gf if you go forward with marriage anyway.
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