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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, here's my basic situation: I'm a 19-year-old artist who wants to move out of her parents' house. Said situation is complicated by the facts that my brother is seriously mentally and physically ill, my father has a drinking problem, and I currently can't drive [partly because of the reasons I listed and partly because I'm horrible at it- I don't get it at all]. Asking for advice from my mom isn't much good, since it's generally a lot of *BLEEP!* about how incapable I am, which really isn't helpful at all. Besides, since she's been a housewife for the past 20-30 years and was very over protective of me until I graduated high school, I'm not even sure she knows what she's talking about. So, any constructive advice would be very much appreciated, especially if it'd help me learn to drive or start a business designing custom tattoos, etc. Thanks!
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female
reader, mandyyyy  +, writes (19 May 2009):
im in a similar position ive been looking after my dad hes 93 this year for 5 years my brothers and sister especially are nasty emotionally blackmailing me and dads not what i call a normal dad my mum passed away and everyone pretty much thinks im useless i want to move with my partner and start fresh where no one knows me i aint bothered about leaving the rest of my family but i am my dad im nearly 24 and as selfish as this might sound its like im always thinking when is my life going to start i know we could be so happy where we want to go you shouldnt feel guilty about leaving as weird as this sounds run while u still can if you know you love him do what you want you got youre mum there to look after youre brother thats what mums do and youre dads just so selfish go show everyone what you can achieve at least you can be happy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): Thanks for the advice. So far I already have a little money saved, and I'm showing my portfolio to tattoo shops, people at the college who are involved in art, etc, so that will hopefully help matters. As far as asking a friend, I've always been pretty much a lone wolf and only have acquaintances, so I'm checking school to see if they have any programs that could potentially help with that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): Firstly you need to work out financially what you would need to move out. At your age it would probably mean renting a room. You don't state what country you live in, but in the UK you can rent a room for around £75 this includes all your bills. Then you need to add on the amount required for food and other things like toiletries, sundry items like toilet paper, washing powder etc, this can easily be done by a trip around the supermarket. Travelling expenses too need to be taken into account, and money for leisure activities.
When you have a final total you need to earn that amount. If you don't already earn that amount, don't even think of moving out until you do.
Regarding the driving, you just need to practice, eventually it will become natural.
If not you will have to use bus or train, this may mean moving into a city.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): hey, i'm 27 and i can relate to much of what you're saying, on 3 counts.. 1- my dad was an alcoholic, 2- my mother is overprotective (what?? you're going on the tube! on your own!!??" ) and 3- ive had about 50 lessons and am nowhere near my test....
the only advice i can offer is that you need to distance yourself. at about 19 i started to realise that my father's alcoholism was HIS problem and his issue. whether i was there every day or whether i moved out. nobody could ever change that but him, and after i moved out, my dad did seek help and admit to me that he was an alcoholic and drinking vodka during the day (which i think was harder for him to admit than his alcoholism, oddly). because your father drinks, it doesnt mean its your fault or has any bearing on you, it doesn't mean you don't love him, it doesnt mean hes not your dad, but it does mean it's not your problem, in the same sense that my heavy smoking isn't my mother's problem. we make choices for ourselves and no amount of being there or begging can change that. its only when we all started to go our separate ways and move out that my dad got himself sorted, so in this sense it has no bearing on you at all.
2- well , i'm in the same boat with my mum. i want to move to 100 miles away next year, with my boyfriend, but i darent even mention this to her- for fear of a huge row. if i even mention that i might move away one day, i get "how are you going to live? going to get in debt are you?? youve got no chance!" etc etc... i think the best thing to do with somebody like this is to make your own plans privately. when me and my bf moved out first time, we arranged it all, i said " i'm going to move out, ive got a house, paid the deposit, i'm going in may." its the only way to do it, because then you dont get months of her going on at you about it and guilt tripping and making you feel you can't do it.. its hard to leave my mum cos she is a widow, but its my own life and my youth. theres no second chances. i'm an adult and i know what its like to live under a roof where there are burdens like addiction, illness, guilt tripping etc. you CANNOT live like that, nor should you. we all have the right to be happy and live our own lives, you dont have any options no matter how bad it feels, you either stay or go.
as for driving? yeha, same boat totally- but go automatic. seriously, call up today and get automatic lessons, ive felt so much better since i've done those and my instructor is talking about a test now, instead of me feeling totally useless. auto leaves you relaxed enough to try and concentrate on other things and manouvres are 5x easier! take it from me, get an auto licence!
best of luck, cos i know some of what youre going thru! x
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 October 2008):
 Well,
I moved out of my home when I was 19 and found a job in commercial art, so I guess that you could move out once you found a job that can support you. Driving is a helpful skill mainly because it allows you to become independent. I hope that you are successful in your quest!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (14 October 2008):
 Do you have any older friends who can drive? I know that I taught a buddy of mine to drive on our own time. She was in a similar situation to yours, and I was happy to help. I would only go to a close friend, because it will take a close friend to help train an inexperienced driver!
For sure get a job, something so that you can save up some money to get your own place (or Driver's Ed classes, or both!). Be sure that you work on SAVING your money, not spending it on whatever... the challenge of being on your own is really tough and having a little money saved up will help you LOADS.
I'd give yourself another 6 months living at home to save and get your life organized. Then go out there, find an apartment and get independent. Shared housing is a cheaper alternative to a solo apartment and that may be an easier adjustment to make.
Good luck!
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