A
female
age
41-50,
*nceagirl
writes:It may sound crazy but I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over 3 months and I know I want to be committed to him. It literally took us 3 days to fall in love. I've been engaged twice and been in other long-term relationships, but I knew right away with him! I feel like he's the one i want to be with.Now, I have issues because I don't have much family and actually just have my Mom and that's it. I'm 30 which sounds young but i grew up fast. Point is, I want a family! I never really press the issue with any boyfriends but most of them are "commitment types". Well this one isn't. He's not even been in a relationship for 7 years. I just try to tell him the above and how I feel and that I hope that that's what he eventually wants and he says we shouldn't be talking about that because we've only been together for 3 months. Fair enough, he's afraid. But I'm not asking for it to be today or even this year or next. But eventually, that's what I need to make me happy. I've decided to give the relationship a chance and to re-evaluate it at 6 months but not go past a year of dating without at least talking about having a serious commitment. Thing is, we spend every day together usually at his place (i know, my bad) and when I want to leave he will get upset. He wants me here all the time living out of a suitcase but won't talk about my dreams of having a family. Somebody have a new angle or advice? Thank you!
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (10 November 2007):
 I agree with most of what everyone has said here. At 3 months, you can't really know someone. And it is a bit early to be making plans. On the other hand, I do feel it is important to know what someone wants in the relationship. I am currently with a man who has been married before and I did ask him if he would ever get married again. I know what I want in the end and its okay if you want someone that seeks the same things. The problem is, do you know he is for you, for sure? Maybe 6 or 12 months down the road things will change, for the better or maybe for the worse. Give it some time but I dont think its wrong to want to know the other's intentions.
A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (10 November 2007):
I agree with the others that you may be putting too much pressure on this guy!Your biological clock is no doubt going off like a timebomb! I know someone who was in a similar situation, and she wound up ruining things when the guyhad been thinking he wanted to marry her, but she put too much "cart before the horse" (thinking babies, babies) and he never even told her he HAD wanted to marry her until he told her he was thinking they should break up! The jury is still out on THAT relationship, but! At least you have thought ahead to a six month period to try to figure things out. It sounds like he is quite smitten with you and wants you there with him! That should be enough for now!!!! Enjoy thisfantastic love, you're lucky. Don't worry so much about the future... you may end up spending the rest of you life with this guy! :-)
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 November 2007):
 I'll give you a male perspective on this.
Pushing a man towards 'full commitment' and having a family after 3 months of a relationship is much too soon for most people. You'll scare him off if you keep this up. You'd scare most men off if you did this.
You have to understand that saying "I need to know if you'll fully commit to me in the future" is emotionally the same as saying "Are you fully committed to me now?". You say you're "not asking for it to be today or even this year or next", but that is just semantics, wordplay.
Emotionally what you're asking is "Are you prepared to have a family with me in the future?".
Thats A LOT to ask of someone you've only been with 3 months. How can he be sure? He knows that you'll hold him to it... that if he says 'yes' then you'll be counting the days and building up more and more expectations in your mind. That will just put more and more pressure on the relationship, and on him. You're already setting arbitrary deadlines in your head of 6 months and a year of dating... this is playing mind-games and dangerous. The real world doesn't work that way. You're playing games in your head, he's being forced to play too, without knowing the rules.
You say you've been engaged twice before. You should consider carefully whether you so want a family that who it is with is a secondary consideration. The fact that you want a family with a man you don't really know that well yet suggests this to me. It will suggest this to him too, and that's something thats going to push him away from you. A man wants to believe he is truly special to you if he's going to be the father of your children: pushing for children so fast indicates the opposite. That he's a handy sperm donor, rather than the love of your life. Be careful.
True commitment, leading to having a family, is something you can't rush. It takes time, shared experiences, and the development of deep intimacy and trust. Let this happen naturally and stop counting days and months in your head, and setting yourself arbitrary deadlines matched to imaginary levels of commitment. Live in the moment and, if you two are right for each other, it will happen naturally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): Hi Hun,
I was with a man a few yrs back now for 3/4 months and he wanted to move far to quick for me and it scared me away to be honest I was so glad to see the back of him as I felt extremely pressured, Even though he was a nice person he just wanted to move in be a family and so on and at 3months it was just to soon.
You have found the person you want to have a family with and hunny he is probably quite scared at the prospect at this moment. He is happy with you he wants to spend all his time with you.
If you love him give him time he loves you as you said but having a family is alot to think about, You are ready love he needs more time I hope this helps a little and I wish you lots of luck in your new relationship TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, whiteshadow  +, writes (10 November 2007):
 You really cant put pressure on someone cos you want to have a baby with them. If you do especialy before the 6 month mark at least. I wouldnt be suprised if he ran away scared. I suggest asking him alot later in the relationship things like, Would you ever want to start a family with someone and when etc. But whatever you do, dont push it on him inless you want him to run away :(Good luck hunxx
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