A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am the individual with Asperger's Syndrome who asked these questions:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/where-do-i-meet-these-particular-types-of.htmlttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-become-better-at-dating.htmlAs for the part about restaurants in my previous question, sorry for the ambiguity, it was people who eat there, not employees.I also have another issue; I know we all have regrets in life, and some things are impossible, but I partially regret going to university. Not academically, I graduated in 2007 and did well (my course was from September '04 to July '07. It's socially that I regret; I didn't really participate in any of the freshers' events or social groups when, not even one, I did a routine of:Go to lectureDo coursework / reviseGo to libraryTake a break - travel to nearest town/city and see areas (and maybe do some revision from textbooks as well)Eat and drinkand that was about it.I did interact with people, but they were mainly shop assistants, waiters, librarians, older people etc. and few people my own age.I wasn't very confident then, and wonder if going back to university now, at 27, is a good idea, although the financial issues may be one thing - or if I am just having worries in general over things in the past. Perhaps it's just an over-reaction/irrational thought and attempt to relive my "lost" youth?As for having a relationship, some people think it's good to be single, if that's their opinion, OK, but I can't know if it's good or bad to be in one since I've never had it... and getting one is the catch-22.Due to having Asperger's Syndrome it has made it hard for me to make friends. I have made friends, but it has been hard to keep in touch with them (they either give departmentname at town dot gov uk - a generic email) or they live too far away (like 3 to 4 hour drive or train journey). I do have friends in work, but seeing them outside of it is hard as a lot of them, except the managers and some staff, do night shifts as well. (I do voluntary work with disabled adults).It is not that I am dissatisfied with my life, I'm not, it's just I'm trying to improve my social skills and become better at them. I feel embarrassed that I'm confident in work situations etc. but not outside of it. I'm not faking being confident in work, but that's probably because what, where and why I'm doing takes priority over who, for the most part (five w's, who, what, where, when, why).Any help would be much appreciated, and thank you for your help on my previous 2 questions.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (11 September 2013):
School is for learning, so you didn't do anything wrong. Although it seems as if you may have missed out, there's no reason you can't enjoy things now.
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 I had chronic social phobia and depression a few years ago. The first thing I did was seek therapy and took a course on cognitive behavioural therapy. That helped me somewhat. Here is a website that might help. You can download different modules for your particular issue. I did the Shy No Longer one.http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=40The other website is a general social and interest site called meetup.com. I joined a few groups on there like sci fi and movie goers, but the best one for me was an anxiety social group. I met a lot of people with similar issues, and we get together regularly for small social events. A lot of people have social anxiety and it's a good way of getting used to being in social situations in a safe environment, where you know no one is going to judge you. Maybe you could find a group like that in your area.I'm sure your situation is more complex because of your condition, but I think the steps may be the same. Find a social outlet where you can slowly begin to expose yourself to social situations and gain confidence. And have a support structure in place, such as a therapist, to encourage and guide you.I eventually got over my social anxiety but I have some serious core beliefs that prevent me from doing as much as I'd like. It's a case of "why bother, no one's going to like me." But I am over the actual fear. My current anxiety level is high due to a new job I've started. But I'm going to try and get myself out this weekend to a sci fi movie meetup.Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (10 September 2013):
 I understand Asperger's very well as my eldest son has it.
As you will obviously understand Asperger's is a higher spectrum autistic disorder. Aspies (as my son likes to call himself and others with the condition) are usually very academic and converse well in situations in which they are knowledgeable and comfortable. The condition mainly affects social boundaries and environments.
As you say therefore, in the workplace you will feel at home and secure. You know the people and can chat about work and things you and co-workers will have in common, ie the job.
Aspies love familiarity but will feel uncomfortable in the presence of large groups of people and strangers. This will have made it very difficult for you to go out and socialise. It doesn't mean you can't it just will be harder for you.
I don't see how going back to uni for social purposes as opposed to academia would be beneficial. It would be a waste of money and it won't turn the clock back.
Accept who you are and that you can't change the past. Look at the positives of your uni experience. You got good grades and studied hard (that's actually what uni is about).
You have a job you enjoy and that's good. Let the past go.
Now look to the future. Go out for a few drinks or a social night with a few friends who you're really relaxed and comfortable with. Get used to going out like this and over time you will learn to talk to new people and make new friends. This will open up a whole new world to you.
Take your time though, don't rush into situations you're not happy about. The more you do this the more comfortable you will be. Take your social cues from your friends (aspies can come across a little arrogant and tactless when in fact you guys are just very honest) work on really thinking about what you want to say to people and consider how you deliver it. It will get easier the more you do it.
I think it's wonderful that you want to improve your social skills and are ready now to do that.
Consider contacting www.autism.org.uk they will have experienced people who can help you put strategies and coping mechanisms in place to assist you in your quest :)
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): meetup.com
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