A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is rare nowadays, I know, but I am still a virgin at 31 years old. I've had opportunities to have sex before, but I didn't act on them because I promised I wouldn't have sex with just anyone. I don't regret that promise, but here I am, at 31 and the sexual tension has caught up with me. I've waited 31 years, and I can't deny it any longer... I am DYING to experience physical love! I don't know of any friends who are still virgins (at least, none of them have told me such a thing). My dilemna is that I just can't stand the sexual tension anymore and I feel that I'm gonna explode if I don't experience sex with a man. I don't want to be a virgin anymore by my next birthday. I want to experience sex with a man this year. Ok, my Prince Charming never came along, I never found true love. I've moved on... but I WOULD like for my first time to be with a guy who at least CARES about me. I've waited for over 30 years and I don't want to throw it all away on some creep who will just take advantage of me and then throw me away like garbage.I feel like I'm running out of time!! One of these days, it's gonna be too late for me to experience sex to the fullest extent. Life is so uncertain... I keep thinking, what if I have some horrible accident that renders me unable to have sex forever and then I NEVER know what it's like? There is no guarantee that any of us will BE here tomorrow... what if I die in an accident tomorrow? At a young age, I never explictly vowed to save sex for MARRIAGE, but I PROMISED myself that I would wait until I found my true, mutual love.I'm not in Ireland now; I'm from there originally, but I'm currently teaching in Spain. This isn't my first trip to Spain, either... I feel blessed to be here, but I don't want to return home from Spain a virgin again. I've made some lovely friends in Spain, one of whom I have feelings for, but they're not returned. I can deal with that, although it hurts... but I don't want to be a virgin forever.My mom doesn't understand! She tells me that I have to be strong and wait but I can't take it anymore; I've waited for over 30 years. I feel guilty because I KNOW I'm not ready to have kids and that could easily happen. My mother lectures me about that all the time... but I'm not some slutty kid... I'm a grown woman and I've been waiting so long I'm going crazy. (GULP) twins run strong in my family, I am afraid to go near a guy. I REALLY like children, I'm just not ready to have them. Selfish, I know, but I can't help it. I don't want to use toys, masturbation, my hands, etc. I want a real human. I want someone with reallly strong arms to talk to me lovingly in a soft voice and stroke my hair. I want someone who cares about me, I'm at the point where I've decided not to wait until marriage (I waited a reasonable amount of time). I'm a STRONG person but I'm still a human... I can't change that. I hope I don't sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself; I can't help how I feel, and I just don't know what to do about this DILEMNA! I can't stand it anymore, I need to get this sexual tension out of my system... but I don't want to waste it on someone that doesn't care about me! Furthermore, I feel guilty about my sexual desires because I KNOW I'm not ready to be a mother, and I COULD become pregnant and that would be so cruel to the child, I'd probably be a lousy mother.I am dying to experience sex with a man, I have no one to talk to about it... I love my mom but she doesn't understand and her lectures really make me feel horrible! I feel overcome with guilt about risking pregnancy and I don't have a boyfriend or husband and don't want to throw my virginity away... but I WANT to lose it. I'm ready... but... WHO?Thanks if you can help me.
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female
reader, Julia-alka  +, writes (16 May 2011):
You mus be patient. You will find the true one and then regret of loosing it to someone wring
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Chigirl, that's a really good point, one I hadn't considered, but I am beginning to see that you're right.
One thing I have always LONGED to do, but had a difficult time doing, is cultivating close friendships and connecting more deeply with friends. Not just people that I have feelings for... I have friends that I really care about, as FRIENDS, but I don't know how to get close, even though I really care about them. Any words of advice, please?
The points you make are great and I'm really grateful for your advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Not all Irish guys are freckled gingers, but I have those qualities- red hair and freckles, and I've always been attracted to guys who have dark hair and brown skin (I think that people are naturally attracted to features that are exotic to them)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Strontium, to clarify, I haven't written Irish guys off, it's just that I'm sexually attracted to Latin guys. I've waited long enough for ''the one'' but I want my first time to be with someone I'm sexually attracted to... there's nothing wrong with Latin guys; it's just a matter of sexual orientation... some girls like Latinos, some like blue eyed, blond American guys, some girls like other girls... I'm just attracted to Latinos! :-) Like I said, nothing wrong with other guys, it's just about sexual orientation and chemistry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Ok this is what you do.....just so you know I was in the same dilema a couple years ago....I finally lost my virginity at 23. Just like you I wanted that special guy...well lifes a bitch and that didnt happen so I ended up sleeping with one of the guys I was dating and wasnt too excited about, but figure I needed to get it over cause I will never find prince charming. Well lucky me he was really good in bed and even though I never really had strong feelings for him I kept sleeping with him for a whole year while I was still going out and meeting other guys. Since I didnt just want to sleep around I kept him as my sex guy while I looked for Mr right. Now Im with my boyfriend of 4 years who is the most amazing lover. So what you need to do is start dating someone and if you feel right about it go for it. Dont regret anything sex is fun if you know how to use it wisely, use protection and enjoy life...dont put too much thought into it as far as emotionally...eventually ull find the right person for u when ur not looking for it..I was just in Barcelona last month and I know u can find a spanish guy who will teach u many things
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A
female
reader, Rose22  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 ok well you dont not walk out the door because your afraid you are going to trip over. you dont not drive because your afraid to crash..do you? the risk is always there.. but if you choose to live your life focusing completely on the risks out there you will never do anything will you? there is a risk for everything.. you just need to take precautions and do your best to avoid the dangers out there. even that thought doesnt always work..you cannot always avoid every danger. you say you dont want to have sex because you feel ignorant about the risk of pregnancy. of course the risk is there, just like everything.
your 31 years old.. its not to late to get the full sexual experience that you want. you say your mum wants you to wait? is she religious? you are a fully grown women now and you make your own decisions. okay so you never found our prince charming. not many people do. find a man that makes you laugh, gives you a good time. a man that will respect you. you dont need to tell him about your virginity, just make sure he wont judge you if something goes wrong.
so get out there, dont be afraid. meet people, explore!
have fun and be yourself. get back to us/me about how everything goes...
all the best!
redrose
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Thanks for your advice, guys. I am sorry, I have been so busy but I will write more.
Nothing wrong with Irish guys... but I LOVE Latin men. I'm just not attracted to my own kind... I have red hair, freckles and don't want to sleep with someone who looks like me. I like tan skin and dark hair. I know that sounds superficial but I LOVE those qualities.
There's a guy from Spain that I didn't think of as anything more than a friend but I'm beginning to see that I have feelings for him and it makes my heart hurt that he doesn't return them.
Will write more... I am VERY grateful!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 You said you got friends in Spain. Why aren't you talking to any of them about this, so you can get another person who knows about your dilemma other than your mother?
Do you have problems making friends? This is only speculation, but the reason you are still a virgin is that you do not form close relationships with people. You are not a virgin because you haven't found anyone special, you are a virgin because you haven't let anyone close to you so you could figure out if they were special
Ever had a boyfriend? Ever kissed a man? Ever gotten close to sex, or experienced a little (fingering, oral, touching a mans body etc)? Is the answer no to all of these question? Then it is not a lack of meeting someone special enough, it is a lack of forming close and deep relationships with others. This is also reflected in how close relationships you have with friends. You don't need a ton of close friends, but 1-3 is the typical amount to have. Friends you can open up to, spill out your heart to.
Tired of waiting? I wont blame you, nor do I think you are selfish or whining or anything. I think you've been too patient for your own good, being scared of reaching out and form close bonds with others. How do you expect to find someone special? Will he land on your head? Girl you need to get out there and let your hair loose and find him yourself. Scared of falling pregnant? That's what contraceptives were made for. Use two to be super over the top cautious, like birth control pills and a condom. A condom is the way to go in either case when you have sex without knowing the history of the other person/before you get him tested.
Don't worry so much! You wont get pregnant when you use protection. And don't be scared to open up and talk to your new friends about deeper more personal things! Pick the one who is most compassionate and ask to speak to him/her in private. Then spill your heart. That is the best way to get close to another person: opening up! Show them you have trust in them and open the door for a deeper friendship.
Eventually you will learn how to open up to a man as well. You can either go out and take the first and best you can find, a one night stand. Or you can start up a relationship with a guy and take it from there.
If it's not with a special guy, make it a special experience. Having sex is beautiful, just don't pick a nasty guy who will make it a horrible experience. Get to know a guy, have sex with him when you trust him a little bit, and it'll be good I think. First times aren't mind blowing, but at least you will know what you are missing out on sexually.
However, you will miss out on the emotional connection you have when you have sex with someone you care for deeply. Don't give up hope of making that connection with another human, whether you choose to wait as a virgin or not.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 When is your birthday? You may be running out of time until your next birthday but you still have a life time to discover your sexuality. If you lose it to a guy who lives in Spain, that means it will probably be a long distance relationship. Wouldn't it be better with an Irish guy?
The reason why 40 year virgins exist because they don't want to risk anything. You know that your approach of waiting and being a good girl haven't worked. Relationships involve risks. A man who promises to love you forever may change his mind one day. A man who only does it casual may find himself falling in love and become the real man you need, for life.
Besides being passive, the other reason why good relationships are so few is because it's easy to fall in love but difficult to stay in love. Take an example of people learning piano, the majority is the bottom heap, the elementary students who don't go anywhere. Same with lovers. Many only connect on a very shallow level and can't go deeper without any drama and fights and giving up. It's rare to find a twin soul who would be there through good times and bad times.
My advice to you is to accept the kinds of guys that are out there, and not demand too much of what you need right away.
You can try smiling, dressing feminine, yay to spring time! Try talking to men you see every day. If the conversations don't go anywhere you can find people online. Be honest about your wishes. Say you want to be intimate but also hope for a deeper connection. Try to sound neutral, but not desperate and needy. Experiment and open up two separate accounts and see which one works better. The first one is to say you are a virgin looking for another virgin, or at least someone with little experience so you feel more like an equal. The second one is looking for a friend and intimacy, and something deeper later on. You can also look at mens' profile and see which one you fancy the most. The reason for two different profiles is because people skim for what they like, and that the more you write, the more feedback and chances you have.
It may also be of interest to you to look up resources online on how to attract your soul mate and how to prepare yourself for a relationship.
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A
male
reader, PortOr  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 Hmm .... search your memories for your guy best friends especially from School and college and talk to them about it .... You might find someone special ... not all of them would be married and not all those married folks would be happy .... Given the fact that you waited for Prince charming for so long, I bet that you would have innate trust issues with anyone whom you would date. Rather if you are very determined to get off your virgin tag now, then your best friends from early childhood might be a best bet to begin with ... if no success then your work place crushes whom you deem / hold in good position in your heart might follow next ... All the best ! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): I am in the same boat as you. It was as if I wrote the post myself! I am 25 but I can easily see this happening to me in five years time, so I really want to get it out of the way. Thankfully, I am seeing a guy now and it will happen soon. And this is exactly what you need to do. Date. Date. DAte. A lot. keep dating until you find a nice guy and if he respects you and will be gentle and is understanding (like the guy I have now) then go for it. Seriously, if anyone there tells you to wait any longer, ignore them! They probably had sex too young and don't know what it is like for us older ladies/gentlemen who have waited but with no suck luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): You are in one of the most romantic countries in the world with many steamy Latin men. It shouldn't be a problem, go for it. Create some fantastic memories and experience life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): why don't you ask a male friend?
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