A
female
age
36-40,
*tephanieaydin
writes:I am 23 years old and have a 3 year old little boy, and I am in an abusive relationship. We have been together for 5 years and he's the father of our child. I want to leave him but keep thinking that he's going to change, what should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Again, regardless of whether you want someone else changed, you have to first change yourself, in this case, changing your environment. People often put their hopes and dreams on other people and other sources, but how often do you think those hopes and dreams actually yield positive results.You said that your ex was abusive, then went to prison, but came back out a changed man. He went to prison BEFORE he became a changed man. It took 2 years for him to change inside a prison. You are putting the future possibility of change into the current moment which is impossible. That is paradox thinking that may only yield further anguish on your part.You also said that it is not easy for you to just pick up and leave, that you are diagnosed with bipolar. Think: an unhappy mother may become even more unhappier. Therefore, even more unhealthy. An unhealthy mother may become even more unhealthier which may lead to other long term ailments. Critical thinking: holding onto possibilities, is the same as holding onto fantasies. Reality dictates you must change first and foremost. Everyone else is secondary. If you come here seeking advice on "how" you go about this. No one can give you an answer that you can follow BECAUSE ultimately, from the sound of your reply, you already made a choice that you are staying REGARDLESS of what you're feeling and what he is doing to you.Experience: I too also have an aunt and an abusive husband for years. About 15 years ago, she started her ranting and venting and crying to my mom. About 10 years ago, she developed an ulcer. About 5 years ago, she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. About 2 years ago, she forfeited Pureland Buddhism and converted into a Christian. What will happen next? Cancer? A rebellious son that already follows some similar traits as his dad? Bipolar? Other ailments? My aunt will continue to rely on the possibility of change in her unyielding husband and NEVER change herself. My mom has heard enough over the years, but she's her sister. She said to my mom almost every single time she called, for the last 15 years, that she knows there is something 'wrong' with her husband and he needs her to be there for him. She absolutely feels that he WILL change. He WILL eventually change if she's there for him. It has been 15 years, but in reality even longer than that. He already had signs he was emotionally controlling and abusive since before they were married 21 years ago. So think: Yes, your lover *might* change. There IS a chance. Now, is he going to change in 2 years through prison or is he going to change in 15 years or will he change in 30 years? Maybe you will be on your death bed, worn out over the years of having your mind and emotions shattered and he might tell you that he's sorry. Would you consider that possibility as "good enough"?---I'm more passionate about this sort of mentality, because people don't need to rely on others for their own happiness. If your lover has been abusing you, then as I've said and will keep saying, "Change yourself first, before you try to find change in others." If you leave and they don't change, then that's their lost. If you don't leave and they don't change, then that's your lost. If you don't leave and they change, again, when?
A
female
reader, stephanieaydin +, writes (26 March 2009):
stephanieaydin is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you for responding to my question.. its hard to talk to my parents about the situation im in because they have never been through what ive been through, and to top it off my dad was an ex cop and is now a dispatcher...i know it sounds crazy that im sticking around for all this heartache and pain but its very hard for me to get up and move on..i have a history of depression, and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder so my moods go up and down. i have the lowest self esteem and i dont feel like im worth loving..i have never been soo lost in my life..im trying to be the best mother to my son but me putting up with his father isnt helping the situation any..he has never hit our son and he is a great father to him in a sense that he never had that growing up..my husbands father was the same way (abusive) and he recently got out of prison for backed up child support..he was in their for 2 years and he came out a changed man which is probably why i believe that my spouse will change..
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female
reader, M0R3N@  +, writes (26 March 2009):
Baby if the father of ur child is abusive get the hell out. leave him!!! my sister was in the same situation for 8 years and is finally recovering. after so long she has finally realized she can do it on her own i believe anyone else can do the same thing especially if ur only on 6 years she was dealin with it for 8. Do wat u gotta do and becareful!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): The odds of him changing are practically nonexistent. Infact I have never heard of any abusive man changing and becoming nonviolent! There may be a case or two out there but I don't know of any!
I waited 16 years for my husband to change. He never did. It got worse! Get out while you are young! Don't let this jerk be your sons role model! He will grow up believing that it is the norm to beat your wife.
Good Luck and Be Strong!
Britt
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): people should never settle for second you are just as important and special as everybody else and do you want your little boy to grow up with your partners values?
it is likely that your little boy will develop abusive traits to his future partners.
leopards never change their spots,But they can roll in mud and look different but they are still a leopard.I truely believe that, never wait for anybody life is to short you should be making the most of yours.
i think you should get out whilst you can. get a life for yourself you can't have much of one as it is and if loved you he wouldn't hit you. We only live once, don't live yours in fear.Find someone deserving of you who will treat you with respect you are entitled to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Change for the good is an ideal shared by many people. However, when you're faced with the currents of the moment, you need to look at what's the safest route for you now than wait for the possibility of change.
Remind yourself that change can come when a person wants something, but cannot get it at the moment. With the path of least resistance in mind, change yourself first (in this case, your scenario), before you try to find change in others.
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