A
female
age
41-50,
*1983
writes:I have been seeing a guy for 6 months. We are both 30 It has been going well but I have started to feel a bit uneasy that we only see each other at weekends and one night in the week (we live quite far from each other). This weekend he bought up his mum is helping him and his sister buy a place. He is currently living in a shared house with her and another house mate. He said he would like to buy and then then all move in there. I really respect him getting himself some financial security by buying but I felt a bit confused as had assumed that by like a year/ 2 years in we might be living together, but this didn't seem to be something he had considered. When we spoke more, he talked about how although he really liked me he also didn't want to be renting forever - it seemed he was thinking like a single man, not something that we would do together or with a partner. I was a bit surprised, and also a bit hurt that he hadn't thought of me in this picture.I completely get it would be good for him to buy a place and give them security, but for me this would not necessarily mean we couldn't live together he could rent it out, or I could move in for instance. But, i did bring up I did aim for us to live together. I currently own my own place and am renting out a room to a flat mate - we get on great but at age 30 I am ready to move in with a partner really. My friends are all having kids and getting married and although I'm not necessarily wanting that, I do want to live with someone and feel ready for it in the near future. I do really like him but equally I feel I owe it to myself to check this is going somewhere so i am not wasting my time. Here is what he has said about this: ' I never said never but in my mind this is a bit early to think about thats all - I've rushed into living with someone in the past and it ruined things, so I'm not in a rush plus at this moment in time I like where I live when I need/ want to move then I would be open to discuss options depending on how things are going' ' I don't have a masterplan for where I want this to go but was happy for now that was enough for me.. I don't know what else to say.'What do you think I should do/ say? Am I being unreasonable bringing this up after 6 months? I don't want to move in right now, but want to know we are both looking for the same things in life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): To me 6 months is a bit soon to be asking ' where is this heading' this is the get to know stage and have fun, and chill and not let the responsibility of life, paying bills n kids and all that stuff tie you down .I would say a year and then I would want to know if he loved me, if he was willing to put a 'ring on it' haha . Not that marriage should happen straight away but a two years down the line would be nice .. At 30 you are still very young there is no rush . .. Enjoy what you two have instead of planning a move in together .. Look at a holiday away a trip whatever you think .. Get some quality together time as when the responsiblity of a home comes, and kids we need those foundations to keep going so that when the kids get bigger we know we have that again to look forward too.Personally I'd leave it for now. And see how he feels in the summer .. And then if you get the same reply then you know he is not ready for any kinda commitment .. Take care you sound like a very nice girl :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I think he is being smart and going slow. Whether you are 18 or 30 I think a year 1 1/2 of solid dating before moving in is a smart thing.
I can't see why he can't buy a house now and share it with his family. IF at some point you two get to a place where you want to live together, you two sit down and figure out how to go about it.
Though it's not fair that he is (in a way) comparing this relationship to the one where he got burned for moving in too fast, he is just trying to be practical.
An I DO think you CAN talk about it. Like where do you see us in 12-18 months or do you see us long term. I think men think a little more differently then women. We want to know where we are going , many men are just comfortable as things are. BUT he did TELL you that he doesn't HAVE a master plan, I think mostly because he is being cautious and yet, he is enjoying what you to have. I think if you start pushing YOUR agenda it might end up in drama. So figure out a middle ground.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): I don't think you're unreasonable for bringing this up. You're investing your time with someone, you want to know if it might lead to more one day. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know where the relationship might be headed if anywhere, so you can decide if he is the man for you or not.
I dated a man for three years & I hoped we'd live together or even marry, but he couldn't or wouldn't even talk about it, so we both went our separate ways. I wish I would of talked to him early on.
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