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*aftig
writes:My wife used to hesitantly perform fellatio. A few years ago she quit. There is no discussion. Just to bring it up pisses her off. I feel like I am worthless because she will not do this for me. I am not a kid, I am over fifty. How do I change her mind or make myself get over this, Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): I say give her a taste of her own medicine.
Tell your wife that you never really liked doing fun romantic stuff like special dates and buying her gifts. Now you feel so comfortable with her that you don't feel the need to do those things anymore just to please her. Tell her she should not be mad, she should be happy that you feel so safe and close to her to reveal your true feelings about this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2011):
 Why would what another person does have impact on your feelings of worth? WHY should she do this for you? Because you like it?
You say “a few years ago she quit” DERFINE a few… 3 years…15 years? HOW LONG… she just stopped…. And she WILL NOT discuss it with you?
HAVE YOU ASKED HER POINT BLANK “honey I really love you and I really love when you give me a blow job can you at least explain to me WHY we no longer can do this activity? Perhaps before approaching her to ask her if she will do this again you need to find out WHY she won’t.
IF she refuses to give you an answer to this you have several options.
1. End the marriage (not the best suggestion but I like to be thorough)
2. Go to counseling to discuss this and other issues….
3. Accept that she will not perform this much beloved and desired activity and learn to live with it (my personal action in my relationship as I have a partner that will not perform oral sex never has, never will, but has explained why and while I miss it terribly I accept it as a limitation of our relationship)
4. Clear with her that you will seek another woman to perform said activity (she’s not going to like that one trust me)
5. Don’t clear it with her and do it any way (I DON’T APPROVE OR RECOMMEND THIS ONE AT ALL)
Now I’m going to address something Sageoldguy brought up… DO YOU perform cunnilingus on her? WHY? I give blow jobs to my partner as often as he will allow me… NOT because HE wants me to, but because I LIKE giving him blow jobs. I do not give him blow jobs to get him to reciprocate with cunnilingus …. It’s NOT a tit for tat thing. PEOPLE should NOT perform sex acts they do not want to regardless of the reasoning. IF you do perform oral for your wife because YOU want to… keep it up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): I agree Cindy, it's just easier to generalize hehe. As far as OP's situation it's one of those things you have to plan for early or just accept that you're not going to get it.
I just think it's easier to make things like this clear at the start than have to face them all further down the line. We all have some needs and requirements and if we don't ensure the person we're with is going to fulfil those then it's our own fault if they don't.
You see it's not hard to tell if someone likes doing something and it's even easier when you ask them or tell them it's something that's important and always will be. It's worked for me so far.
The only thing OP can do is try and reignite her passion and spice up the sex life a bit more perhaps, bring some more adventure into it and she may end up doing it again or he may well forget about it. If she can't be talked into it then maybe she'll try other stuff and it won't matter that much.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 Aw Cerberus, not all women are so bad :) I DID have a partner who was against oral because in his culture it was a wuss thing to do which he was not used to and he was uncomfortable with, we still managed to have a good sexual connection, there's life beyond oral...
While I sincerely commend your efforts for being such an attentive, generous partner,.... not for everybody it works the same psychologically.. As for me , for instance, I would not WANT my partner doing something I know he loathes just to please me, that would take most,or all, of the fun and the joy out of it, the forced " mutuality " would be a serious turn off. Same as the times my husband came with me to the theatre to see some Shakespeare drama, he tagged along to make me happy, but he was obviously so bored and miserable that it defied the purpose , I wasn't happy knowing he did not enjoy himself .
As for our OP , I surely don't blame him for wanting a BJ from his wife, it's rather normal stuff , it's not as if he had asked for a million dollars, yes, true... and still, if the lady tried ( she DID try ) and failed to appreciate, it's not really her fault is it ? Maybe she is just wired like that, and it's at least debatable that she should get over it to please her husband. A marriage is not only based on sex ( even if that is important too ) and I bet that by now she has shown him his appreciation in many other non sexual ways ; that should count for something too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): Ever hear of the joke: Why is the bride smiling while she walks down the aisle? Because she knows she's given her last blow job.
Sadly for a lot of women that's the truth and your wife is one of those women.
This should have been something you thought of at the start, the others are right OP, hesitant means she never really liked it but gave it to please you. So you should have known from the start she wasn't going to do it forever because there would come a point where she no longer feels the need.
Again though I'd try talking to her and tell her how you feel and that this is important to you. You can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to but personally I feel we all do things we don't like for our partners because we know it pleases them. My girlfriend likes ass play and to be honest I'm not very fond of it at all but I'll always do that kind of thing for her because pleasing her is not just fun for me but it's a necessity.
I always find it funny the women's reactions on these kind of questions. They all have taken her side and said you shouldn't force the issue, yet if it was a woman saying her man wasn't giving her oral they'd be up in arms saying what a dick he was for not doing that.
Well I'll say the same thing I would say to a woman. This is part of your sexual need, this is not something you can simply get over and if she could give it to you before because she wanted to please you then it's not a good sign that she won't do it any more because it says to me she no longer wants to please you or thinks she pleases you enough and you don't deserve extra.
The only thing I can say is to examine your own efforts in the bedroom. Are you giving her enough? Are you still rocking her world and making her sexually satisfied? Are you giving more than receiving? Because frankly OP if I was with a girl who would gladly let me pleasure her in a non mutual way but wouldn't do the same for me; I would stop altogether and only participate in mutual sexual acts.
Oral is important to me both giving and receiving. I make this clear from the start of every relationship. I personally would not carry on a relationship with a woman who suddenly decides she's never going to pleasure me orally again, that to me is a deal breaker because it's too important to me. Of course I can live without it for extended periods of time, I can even take it as a treat to be done every now and again but I never assume and I always make sure my girls know that it's part of my needs.
I think you're screwed here OP because women quite simply will not view oral the way we do because they view them receiving it as more important than us receiving it because for many it's the only way they can get off as intercourse alone is not enough. To many of them, including your wife, it's a disgusting chore and they think because we can get off other ways that we don't "need" it. Well there's a lot of things they don't "need" either but we do them for love, we do them because we care and if we stop doing those things for them they too start to worry and question our devotion, so try not to pay too much attention to their views on the matter, you'll find it kind of always changes with their perception of things.
You see that problem here is perception. Your wife views it as a chore and will not, no matter what you say ever consider it as one of your sexual needs. In my experience if you tell a woman it's a sexual need (when she hates giving it) to receive oral she'll either laugh at you, point out all the other things she does and make it a points scoring exercise or she'll turn it back around tell you you're emotionally blackmailing her.
You're at a loss here Op, you have to accept she's not going to do this. She won't even discuss it. So in if I were you I'd just accept it, this wasn't something you discussed early on then you have to take it as it comes. If you did discuss it early and she still stopped then I'd advise you to stop doing things for her you don't like to do. Why would you if it's not going to be returned but you didn't so you have no recourse here.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 December 2011):
 I'd drop the "...How do I change her mind.." and focus on the "... make myself get over this..."
Good luck....
P.S. Do YOU do cunnilingus for HER???????
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): "I want to know how to get my wife to change her mind"
You can't. You're asking the impossible. If you don't believe me, pretend to be your wife and post a message
asking how to get your husband to change his mind.
And I didn't even bother to read the message itself, just the subject line.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): "I feel like I am worthless because she will not do this for me"
Then this is your problem, not hers. You're the one who needs a new way of seeing things, not her. Because it's not your wife's job to do whatever it takes at her own expense to prevent your low self esteem from sinking even lower. (and I say this because a person with a healthy self esteem would not feel worthless for no other reason than because their partner didn't want to do one particular specific sexual act with them.) Your self esteem and sense of self worth is your responsibility to nurture and build and protect, not anyone else's. Your self esteem is not your wife's responsibility. You have to learn not to feel worthless just because she doesn't want to give you blow jobs because she has a right to like the things she likes, to dislike the things she dislikes, and not be forced to do things she dislikes. It's not fair to put this all on her when it's really your personal issue and how you choose to view yourself that's unhealthy.
Realize that not all women like giving blow jobs, just as not all men like going down on women.
by pressuring her to do something she doesn't like, you're saying that the whole point of sex is to get what YOU want or need to feel OK about yourself, not to share something mutually beneficial. your focus is self centered. You are not making love with her, you are using her to prop yourself up. This isn't healthy. you should stop pressuring her to give you blowjobs. And that means you need to not make your self esteem and self worth dependent on getting blow jobs, because it isn't except in your head because you've chosen to make it so.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 December 2011):
If she always did it " hesitantly " it means that she tried it just to please you and to make you happy, but she never got to like it and she feels that after all this time together she should not keep doing something she dislikes just to stroke your ego and build up your self esteem. By now, you should have many other instruments beside fellatio to know that she cares about you.
Some women do not like performing oral- exactly as some men don't either. It's just personal sexual tastes , it has got nothing to do with " worth ".
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 The best way to get yourself over this is to accept your wife doesn't like doing it, and never has. It sounds like she may have felt pressured previously when she did it "hesitantly".
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (29 December 2011):
Sounds like the two of you need to work on your sex life. Both of you need to be good lovers and stretch a bit for the pleasure of the other. If for some reason she's going to start holding back sex (or various acts) you'll have to see if you can live with that... if not, weigh your options.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): Some people really don't enjoy doing this, and your wife seems to be one who doesn't. You can't change her mind, and the fact that has always been heistant says a lot. If she is still doing other things with you, then stop feeling you are worthless. Has it occured to you that when she does this just to satisfy you she may be feeling worthless and dirty about it. Focus on what you do together and how amazing that is rather than focusing on this one thing. If you don;t do anything else, talk to her about it and how it makes you feel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): I think the key word is "hesitantly."
You don't say how long you've been married, but I think it's safe to say she's finally given up on performing a sex act she honestly does not enjoy (and never has). Do you go down on her?
I wouldn't take this as a personal attack on your self-esteem but rather an indication that she is finally comfortable enough in the marriage, and with you, to stop doing something she doesn't like.
As for how to get over it, imagine feeling pressured or obligated to do something in bed that you had no taste for - that it was "expected" of you. Would you carry on the behavior indefinitely, or would you slowly phase it out if you perceived the opportunity to do so?
Don't take it personally. Many women don't enjoy giving oral.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 Does she do other stuff with you? If so then get over feeling you are worthless just because she wont do this one thing with you. If she's doing nothing with you at all then you need to tell her how sad you feel.
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