A
female
age
36-40,
*urayami3nobara
writes:My girlfriend (we'll call her Hiei, and I'll be Kurama) lives in Louisiana and I live in Pennsylvania. I'm 20 and she's 18(now). We have had a sort of on-again-off-again relationship since January 2007. We dated online for six months, the first time, and then she got 'bored' and called it off. When I met her for the first time in October 2007(at an anime convention where we stayed in the same hotel room with her family) we really clicked, in person. I can't explain it adequately, you know how it is. Anyway. We got back together after I stayed in the hotel room with her at another anime convention in August 2008. Should I mention that through most of these past two years(even when we weren't 'dating') that she wore the silver ring that matches my own, continuously? In August she also bought me a necklace for me to wear everyday, and I sent her some earrings for her to wear everyday (she still does, and I still do wear them/it). I'm confused and feeling the loneliness/complicatedness of the relationship. After the August convention we were together online for two months before she got 'bored' again. I'm very, very confused. It hurts when she gets bored and doesn't tell me until she's decided on her own to just end the relationship. She said I still make her happy, but she just 'CAN'T get bored', or something. I'd appreciate some help... ? I send her Christmas presents every year since 2007, Valentine's roses since 2008(2007 I didn't know her address), and try to find the time to send birthday presents(her birthday is in April, and that's around college exam time, for me).We understand one another pretty well, but we're very different. I have trouble dealing with my emotions, so I sometimes react like a kid, but I've been trying to control them better--and she has trouble understanding her own emotions. She had some bad relationships (mentally and emotionally) when she was a younger teen (13-14) and now mostly all of her relationships don't last longer than a few months. Even when we're not 'together', we're very important people to one another. I'm one of the few she'll snap at her parents or friends(in defense if they're bad-mouthing me) for. I'm starting to miss her very much, as she promised to come visit me around my birthday(in May) for a week in 2009. She promised this in August 2008, at some point--and she keeps her promises. Our two previous meetings(October 2007 and August 2008) have all obviously been planned, far in advance. In 2007 it was a convention in Texas, so I flew down, and her family drove her down. In 2008 she flew up to Connecticut, and I drove four hours to get there for the five-day weekend(Thursday-Monday morning).I suppose my question is this:Can you tell me what's going on? I can't move on from her, it hurts my heart too much. I feel she needs me. I'm the first person not to stab her in the back. Her family pressures her too much, and I think about her very often. In the past few months we haven't talked at all, and it's slowly killing me(not to be melodramatic) inside. I'm very worried about her and I guess... I want to know how much I mean to her and if she's ever going to grow out of her tendency to only have short relationships... but at the same time, I know I'll never be able to just leave her high and dry. Argh. This is probably sounding very confusing but I'd appreciate any help you could give...
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female
reader, sianybarney  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 Hey again, can i just say that you are really good to this girl and she obviously trusts you to tell you personal things that are going on in her life. I hope she appreciates you as much as she should. She is obviously having a hard time at home and feels like you are the only person she can talk to.
I know you have been raised not to invite yourself to other peoples houses, but if you are really worried about her then i suggest you go and visit her. If the airline tickets are cheap enough maby you should visit her whenever you can just to be there for her and see her. Ask her when she is free and arrange a visit that suits both of you.
You are an adult now and can make your own desicions so you may not of been raised to invite yourself, but you should always do what you think best. Her mom may not let her visit you but that doesnt mean you cant visit her, your an adult so her mom cant stop you.
Although you cant really solve her personal problems or make them all better, a visit will show her that you care and are there for her. Clearly she needs that after all thats going on at home. Just continue being there for her when she needs you. Even if she doesnt want to continue with the relationship, your friendship is enough to help her through.
Hope this helps and if you need anymore help dont hesitate to write back, and i WILL answer any queries you have.
Good luck x
A
female
reader, kurayami3nobara +, writes (19 December 2008):
kurayami3nobara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo sianybarney-
I actually asked her (with a text message) 'Would you like me to come down to LA Dec. 13th-20th? If yes, ask your mom.'
I've been raised to not invite myself over to other people's houses... but last year I tried to invite her up to PA for a week around Christmastime, and her mom said it wouldn't work and 'maybe next year' we could work something out. WELL, it's next year and her mom's vetoing it, again(this little exchange happened sometime around Thanksgiving--SW Airlines tickets are cheap enough that I can contemplate maybe seeing her a bit more often, if it works out :3).
She's been really busy, these past two months. She hasn't been online since the very very beginning of November(incidentally, I missed all my college classes from then until the end of the semester--I think it subconsciously had to do with her not being around). Her work schedule is just awful, and with classes or something she just can't get online. In November she wasn't eating much at all, having trouble sleeping--part of the reason I 'invited' myself down there was because I was having this horrible feeling of trepidation--that something was going to happen before May if I didn't see her.
By the way, she ran away from home a week or two ago(returned a few days later). Her mom treats her like the 'dad' in the house(her mom and dad act like they should be divorced, but aren't) and blame her for stuff her little sister(she's three years younger) does--like using up cell phone minutes, etcetera, etcetera...
Blah. If you're around, I'd love more insight... and thank you very much for responding that first time, anyway(even if you don't respond to this one). :3
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A
female
reader, sianybarney +, writes (17 December 2008):
I definatly think this girl likes you a lot and obviously cares for you.
I think she is just feeling the pressures of a long distance relationship. Its hard for her to only see you every couple of months or whatever, and by her refering to boredom, its obvious she wants more from a relationship then a visit every now and then.
You have not done anything wrong and you cant change things or blame yourself. But this online dating thing is not enough for her but she still cares a lot about you.
And when it comes to her relationships not lasting very long, this is down to her own bad experiences with them in the past and is no reflection on your relationship with her. With every bad realtionship there is a good one that will come. And you might just be the good one.
I suggest you give her space to figure things out. If she decides she doesnt want to continue the relationship, then this doesnt mean she doesnt care about you anymore. Just that this relationship isnt fullfilling her needs. If this happens then it is neither your fault or her's and i suugest you move on, however hard it will be.
Good luck x
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