A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm Pacific Islander and my boyfriend is black. I would never have been attracted or gotten real close to a black guy because of the "typical" negative characteristics that is placed upon them, but my boyfriend isn't even like that. He is even considered white cause he is so country like and doesn't do black ghetto things.I guess most of the views I have are from my family, and I'm trying to be more open minded, but I'm still scared of introducing him to the family. We've fallen in love and he knows that I feel hesitant about being around people of his race (I've had bad experiences to begin with) and he's understanding. I just know how my family is and know how they can be and I want them to see him how I see him and not as just another black guy cause he's not like that.I would prefer for no one to know about us, but it would mean a lot to him to meet my family. He wants to meet them. I'm working on getting over the fact that he is black, but it is still in the back of my mind sometimes. He is a great guy and I know I would never find anyone like him.Am I wrong in my thinking? I wish I could be color blind, and wish I could reach that point, but there is always the fact that someday my family would have to meet him. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you I see where you are coming from. Its hard to understand what people are saying and the manner in which it is said. What's been said opposes these unfortunate views that encompass daily life. It takes time for change to come in the mind, as it is parallel to the change you have spoken of in these newer generations. There has been some guilt placed upon this conscience, for his latent suffering is inappropriate. Change will come soon and his heart shall neither mourn nor suffer these second-hand views.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): Hi babes,
I know your only young, and of course your heritage and your family have formed your views. But you, and only you can challenge this. The last time I looked, you have a black guy running for president, times have changed, and you must change too. It only takes one person to stand up and be brave, you can make a difference, by learning to be proud of the man you love. When my family first came to Britain, they were very lucky to find a white family who were kind to them. Back in the 1960's this family suffered tons of abuse, just because they took my family in. It didn't matter to them, they adopted my mother and father and made them part of the family. Because of their kindness and bravery, my godfather is white and his son is my mother's godson and we were raised like brother and sister. Sometimes black people and white people looked at us funny, when we walked down the street holding hands. When my godfather got married, nobody, not his sister, his mother or any of his family went to the wedding, because the wife's family were racist and they did not invite my mother or father. It is hard to break the barrier of racism, but if you love people, it can be done, and colour and culture can no longer hold you apart. Introduce him to your parents, let them decide if they like him or not. But at the end of the day, you are a young adult, it is you who will have to choose whether to love all people, or continue living your life in ignorance, fear and dislike. Ask your boyfriend about his culture, about his life, study black culture, and find out more about where he comes from. These things will help you to challenge the lies that you have been told. Yes it is difficult having a partner of a different colour, but if you love him, you should fight to be with him and tell the rest of the world to go to hell. If your family love you, they will have to accept that you love who you love, and they can no longer control you and tell you who should be your friends. Please introduce him to your family, if they don't like him, or are rude to him, then he won't meet them again.
You never know, they may surprise you. I had a friend that was in exactly the same situation as you. Eventually him and the girl broke up, she never introduced him to her parents, and she went and married someone else. The guy she married was very abusive, and she was very unhappy. She finally told her parents about my friend who is black. They were so upset, "you should have married him, not the guy who hurt you, you made a mistake because that black guy sounded so nice and treated you well." This might also be the case in your situation, you don't really know what they might say, when they get to know him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the Positive answers and help. I guess it's kinda hard to understand in different countries. I am from the South, about 45 minutes away from where the KKK was established.
I've travelled the states a bit and realized that different places view things differently.
I was raised in a place where color does matter and raised in a culture where family is important. I don't want to be selfish towards my family and I'm trying to break through these societal views that I constantly live in. I hate that I am negative sometimes, but I'm more negative about myself.
Environment is a factor in psychological, physiological, and emotional development. It's a factor in how we recognize different things and issues. So could anyone possibly consider this???
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Bravo DLestat Bravo!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Sorry honeypie, but I am a black woman, and my parents are Jamaican. There are a lot of different types of black men and you need to ignore the stereotypes. We got the ghetto fabulous crew, the dancehall men, the players, who love money, deal in drugs because they've come to the logical conclusion that as long as there is racism and they are discriminated against because of their colour, trying to do legal work just doesn't make sense. We also have preachers and Christians, we have scientist and historians, who take the study of knowledge as important in their working lives and in their spare time. They are very serious and very, very moral. They are the most hurt by the racism you display because they always think they are as good as white folk. We have our Rastafarian's, our revolutionaries and our Muslim brothers and separatist folk, who have studied the carefully the history of "white folks" and have come to the conclusion that you are all "white devils" whose favourite hobby is enslaving, raping and abusing people of colour because you lack morality and love.
We in the black community also have our racism, but we also have a history of prejudice, oppression, sufferation, and enslavement to back us up. From our side, we have more morality than you, and if a black man chooses you as a partner, you should be proud that he has managed to overcome the oppression and wickedness that surrounds you.
One thing babes, no matter what type a black man falls into. If you are ashamed of him, his colour or his culture, he will leave you, because he has a lot of pride. Through the long years of slavery all a black man could count on was his pride. Keep hiding him away from your family, because you feel that he is a animal unfit for the table and he will leave you, because he is a man, he is black, and he has nothing to be ashamed of, because he (unlike your forefathers) has hurt no-one. I have people in my family who are white, and they will testify to the love and kindness that we offer and show them. I don't treat white woman in my family this way, why do you continue to treat your black guy as inhuman and still savage, my family wouldn't treat a dog this way. Introduce him to your family and he will surprise you with him manners, his kindness and his charm. If you keep hiding him away he will dump you, because he has more pride than that, and in the 21st century he no longer has to be the black man hidden in the hut. Blessings to you, please open your horizons and learn to treat your black man like a king.......
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): I surely understand your dilema. In South Africa we are dealing with that problem lots. The younger generation finds it much easier, but unfortunately lots of old people are still of the idea that although they might accept everybody, they don't like as they refer to it "interbredding".(This goes for all races and cultures). It is very much like "spirit of Iona" mentioned "birds of the same feather".The main problem to most of them are the differnce in culture. Yet, there are lots of couples from different races who do manage very well. I think lots depend on the individuals and there outlook and there lifestyle. My sister does counseling and often deals with youngster at High schools and University that have similar problems and most of the time the parents do come around. I think it is a matter of proving to them that you are happy and that he is whom he is and not what they might pressume because of race. I hate this but unfortunately there is still people who have preconceived ideas.I like the that "Spirit of Iona" suggested, neutral grounds. That might make it easier to ease the tension.
I hope all goes well for you and wish you lots of happiness.
Eleanor Rooseveldt said: " Remember always that you have not only the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one".
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): I can definitely say one thing.you are NOT in love with him."would prefer for no one to know about us".When you are in love you want to scream it to the world.you just keep talking about them.If he's really intelligent the guy would realize this.Forget about him meeting your parents.Lets see if you can really love him first.I hope he reads this post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): I knoew where you are coming from my sister's boy (my nephew) is Afro-Caribean English when she got pregnant my mother was embarassed by it,worse than that we don't know who the father was my sister wouldn't tell us Mum couldn't bear to mention the fact indeed she was even embarassed when she told me, because she thought I might be appalled my response was sis was having a baby not some alien killing machine. Similarly you are going with a guy not the spawn of predator!
My nephew is Olive skinned, he is 24 this year,and he has the best of both worlds in that he has never had problems in that he has been accepted by the parents of both 'Black' and 'White' girls he has dated
The hardest thing to get over is the prejudice and the stereotyping of people, most people are decent down to earth folk who want to live there lives in peace irrespective of creed or colour.
It is difficult in most societies to accept people who are different each society has its own idea of perfection and there are those who feed on those prejudices and tar everyone with the same brush. The KKK and the Black Panthers are two examples. However where races do mix there is a general acceptance up to a point and tolerance is practiced but there will alwatys be a cultural divide. For although We say colour is only skin deep do we really mean it, for the old adage remains true that 'birds of a feather flock together'.
Now for you in your situation don't let your nervousness about your boyfriend translate to your family, don't act like your embarassed or ashamed of him, have you thought about meeting out say at a restaurant or diner where your guy can be Mr charming and the frostiness can be dealt with on neutral territory and where any ill feeling will be suppressed. Because your parents won't want to cause a scene and any adverse reaction is likely to be less than in your parents home.
Next You know your parents and any areas of common ground your guy and they share, so do a little ground work first don't contrive things just let them enter the conversation naturally for relationships are built on mutual respect and your guy has to show that any preconceived ideas they might have about him are wrong.
Finally let them see that he treats you right, that he looks after you and remember as long as your boyfriend extends the hand of friendship that is all he has to do the problem is then down to your family.
You're alternative is to hide him away from your family as if you are ashamed of him and eventually that attitude will translate into negatives within your relationship, not least that you could never develop the relationship the way you may wish Good Luck
Spirit Of Iona
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female
reader, cheekyme  +, writes (26 October 2008):
 just let him meet ur family, once its over and done with u wont have to worry anymore, u shudnt keep it quiet, for the sake of wonderig wot other people will think. you love him he loves u that is the most important thing. as long as u have each other why does it metter how other people react
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