A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:I'm one of the aunts on this website and I am in a sticky situation so to speak so any advice is welcome. I'm 20 and I used to go out with this girl, who I still think is an amazing person. I was her first boyfriend. However, we split up about 2 months ago because she wasn't sure of her feelings, i.e. she didn't feel like she felt she should towards me. We still get on fantastically well and we've both told each other that we miss each other and are very fond of each other. However, due to her inexperience with relationships, she didn't know when to tell people significant things. Now, i've always been taught that it is proper etiquette so to speak that you tell a recent ex that you've found someone else when you do find someone. Now, obviously you don't let what they say deter you from what you want but it makes it easier on the ex to settle their mind? My ex was holding a new year's eve party at her house. This was the first time I had been able to see her in ages and so was quite looking forward to it. However, in the morning of the 31st December she texted me saying that she was now going out with this guy who I had suspected would get with her about a month before we broke up. This shocked me and I was deliberating whether to go or not because of this. She knows that she should have told me before but due to her inexperience she did not realise how much it would hurt me. I can accept that in a way. It has made me feel slightly better, but i'm still slightly angry (I can't feel that I can express it to her though because I know she didn't mean it)I went in the end and it was the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do. I tried to be the bigger man and talk to this new guy of hers without any malice. I succeeded but he always looked at me sideways which I guess is to be expected really. I was talking with her that night and we both said that we missed each other and our chats and that we are fond of each other. At first I liked this new guy, he seemed to be a nice guy and she seems to be happy with him. But later on in the evening I found out other things. They're both at university and their friends and him said in the same room as her that they were going to get her drunk one day. Teasingly, but just so they can see what she's like drunk. Now, I know that she doesn't like drinking and the fact that she was in the same room when he and his friends said it made me lose some respect for him. Also apparently he criticises her dancing, in a teasing way, but I know that she's touchy about things like that. Basically what i'm saying is that I was disappointed that he was not treating her with respect in those instances. I'm a firm believer in treating a woman with respect. Am I just letting my feelings get in the way of my judgement? Also, I have this feeling that he has an ulterior motive and after searching through my feelings, that part I know isn't through jealousy or envy. It just doesn't sit quite right. Other people i've told seem to agree with me on this.Right now you know the background, here are my questions:1) Should I tell her my feelings about him or should I be quiet about them? I don't want her to get hurt you see. 2) He is not a Christian whereas she is. Should I encourage the fact that she needs to think about the relationship because of this? The reason I ask is that I have had a relationship in the past where the girl did not have the same beliefs as I did. As a result, I got tempted and did things I would not have done otherwise and I regret doing those things. Basically I want to save her from the problems I had within that relationship. You should probably know that this incident has not helped me get over her and i'm feeling lost emotionally at the moment. If any of you have any advice as to how I can sort myself out. Please let me know. Im sorry for the long question, but I know I find it easier to answer a question when I have all the info.
View related questions:
broke up, christian, drunk, jealous, my ex, split up, teasing, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (1 February 2007):
 I made the huge mistake of telling my ex that her new bf would hurt her. He's got a reputation as a player, and I dont want to see her get hurt. I texted her when I was very drunk at the weekend and I regret that too. want her back so badly, even though she promised my mate that she wouldn't hurt me. Help! I dont know who to believe!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Boy! this is a difficult one. It's a shame this guy is not appreciating her like you and still she wants to be with him. Sometimes us women don't know how to be with a nice guy because that's not the way we were treated growing up and we think we don't deserve it. We are not used to all the respect and we are more attracted to the "bad guys". I'm not saying this is her case though.
This is not a solution but if it was me I would talk to her and leave her thinking. Ask her about her feelings about this new guy without speaking negatively about him and lead her to understand she deserves better. You should start asking her about the things she likes about him (listen without judging) and ask her if he goes to church with her (even if you know he doesn't), if she feels he treats her with respect, etc. You can confront her with reality subtly and at the same time remain friends with her. Hopefuly she'll soon realize this new guy is not worth it. Good Luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both, rhythmandblues2 and Jabey for your advice. I just have a lot of principles that I live my life by and it hurts when I don't know how to help someone I care about. Your answers were poignant and I am so thankful for that. I was worried that perhaps my question was too long but thank you for your advice. I will follow it and be the best friend to her that she can possibly have.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Well, I understand your pain, I have been in a similar situation recently and I am twice your age....now most people on this site will tell you not to say anything disparaging to her about her new love interest....and I agree to some extent, however, if you think you have some real concerns about his suitability for her and you want to show your concern for her you can ask her to meet you for lunch...and then ask permission to tell her something you observed about him, it is important to get permission from her first because if you don't she will take it as unsolicited advice and may resent you for it.
I think you can then state your concerns and say that you hope you are wrong, but that you don't want to see her get hurt and couldn't stand quiet, but don't pressure her in anyway to respond or give you an answer and don't argue, listen to what she has without passing judgement and repeat back what you think she is saying and or feeling in your own words....and then you can ask her what she prefers that you do, not speak to her for a long while or stop dating or what ever she thinks is best for the two of you....this may be scary to do, but she will be amazed at your strength and maturity and willingness to let her go to live her own life....and then if this guy turns out to be a real jerk, you never know, she may be back, but I would not push it or hold out for it and you just need to get her off your mind for the time being.
Because even though it hurts that someone you love has chosen beneath you, you can't make her feel a certain way about you or want you back except by just remaining open to being her friend.
Peace.
...............................
A
female
reader, jabey +, writes (2 January 2007):
Bless you. You sound like such a sincere lovely man, she really has lost out losing you . YOu are a fantastic mature person in the way you have handled this situation.
Now as you probably know already remaining friends with a lost love can be extremely hard, especially when you have to hear of them dating other people, you are so brave that you faced this head on. I must admit I have recently been finished with and just know I could not face seing my ex at a party with a new girl. The answer my friend is silence, you have all the answers in front of you. If this man is not genuine, or sincere, do you know what will happen ! She will look back at your relationship and remember how lovely and fantastic you were. I mean she has already admitted she misses you. She will look at this new guy and she will see his faults which will make you look even better in her eyes. Trust me Ive been there.
I say remain being her friend, dont air any of your worries because Im afraid if at the moment she likes this guy it will probably put her on the defense and make her annoyed with you. Just be there in the background, by the sounds of it that will annoy him ! Then wait patiently, she may even come to you first and air her worries about him.
Also remember this I know its so hard, Im there at the mo. But what I am doing is working really hard on getting on with my life, seeing friends, doing nice things for me, spoiling myself and building my self esteem. I am trying not to contact my ex unless he contacts me. And Im afraid I think if he were seing someone else I probably could not cope with being his friend. I think I would have to wait a few months of no contact, before I was over him and ready.
You sound so gorgeous, allow her to see things her way and be there for her. And I bet in time you will find it is you she comes to especially if this guy is really not the genuine thing. Good luck you sound like you deserve itxxx
...............................
|
