A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been talking since last September and dating since November and have known and been friends with each other for years. He's buying a house soon and asked that I stay with him eventually. Thing is, I'm scared to ask him how committed to me he really is. He gets so caught up with work and doesn't always have time for me and its impossible for him to change his hours. Me on the other hand, have a much simpler job and am having my hours changed for two reasons, I want to get some different work experience and I want to be able to spend more time with him so we can work on having a better relationship. Thing is, I'm a bit scared to talk to him about this. His last girlfriend cheated on him and when I asked him before, why he decided to date me (after he had done told people he knew he didn't want a girlfriend) he said it was because he liked my personality and because it was time for him to move on. This was over a year after his previous girlfriend. Could he be afraid to open up to me because of this? I really want to talk to him about things but I don't know how he'd react. Do men generally feel ok when women open up to them or do they shut the women out. He's got such a hard wall around him and I want to be the one who breaches it. But I don't know how to approach him with things. We both love each other and trust each other a lot. I'd do darn near anything for him, and he's pretty much the same way. Its just this thing of talking to him. Also he doesn't necessarily like talking in real life and may rather do it online or by typing to each other. I have a problem of there being no feeling of emotion in this method unless we'd be in the same room. Please give me some advice on what I can do or how I can help our relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I just hope I didn't go and say something stupid to him a while ago. He just never seems to have time to talk to me and I kinda snapped at him about not caring. But now I feel really bad about it because I know its not true... I just wish he'd open up to me and make time for me in his life. It scares me to pieces that I might lose him. He's respected me so much more than any other guy I have been in a relationship with and I don't want to be the one to ruin it. Now what do I do?
A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (10 May 2007):
"Step into my parlor," said the Spider to the Fly.
You've made a major decision. Your move to be closer to him, and to spend more time with him, is going to be a major change in your life, and his.
Take the plunge, but keep things in perspective too. Just because you're taking a big risk on him, doesn't mean it has to work out... or else the world will end. There are bound to be rough patches as the two of you start spending even more time together. You two are going to argue, fight, and probably call one another nasty names. And just because the going gets tough, doesn't mean things aren't working out.
It is all about communication, and you've mentioned how he has a communications block. All I can say is that he'll probably get over it eventually. He was cheated on, so he has some trust issues. He sounds self-confident enough so as not to be clingy and needy and generally annoying, but it also means that he's probably strong enough to have put parts of himself in a tightly guarded box. It is a miracle that he's warmed up enough to date again, but let him take his recovery at his pace. As long as he's neither manipulative, or abusive, he'll open up to you.
My ex betrayed me on many different levels. I was a mess for many, many years. Still am actually. Can't date. Can't commit. And don't consider myself worth a girl's time. Not as I am, at least. I don't know how or when I'm going to get over those issues. So I understand a little bit of what your boyfriend is going through. Don't sell yourself short, but also don't be too afraid to take the leap. Your fears are natural, healthy, and I hope sincerely for your happiness.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Hi
just remember that in a relationship the little things you think are better off under the carpet are the ones that come back haunting us in the future and eventually breaks the relationship. you bf is a quite type who avoids confrontations. you may need to ask yourself questions like how are you going to make it under the same roof? are you gonna turn online to ask if he wants coffee or tea? it might sound like an exageration but its not because communication can build or destroy the relationship.
so i say continue with your eyes open, you seem like someone who like sharing, you have lots of concerns and excitements you want to share with him but emotionally he is unavailable to you. to solve all this unfortunately you need to tell him that the online conversations are not really enough because a lot is left unsaid and you want to get to know his emotions and all that intimate staff that makes him who he is. if you feel you want to know where this is going before moving together it is also your right dont make a mistake of thinking things will be better when you are living together because this has also its advantages and disadvantages because the most difficult thing in a living-in relationship is giving each other spaces.
you also dont have to think you are gonna fix him into a format you want on your own he must also be willing to be fixed its called compromise.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Sunset0000  +, writes (10 May 2007):
Hi
The best thing you can do is..well, talk. I know it might be difficult but that's what you need to do. You need to tell him your concerns and how you are feeling. It may be difficult but you do have to do this face to face. Typing online is no good because you can't really express yourself very well or understand what the other person may be feeling. As you say, it takes away the emotions and if you are in a proper relationship this is no way to have a serious discussion with each other. You need to sit down together and discuss what you want from the relationship and any other things that are bothering you or you just want to find out about. Just find a time when you are relaxed, over a meal or something and just bring it up gently, it's important you don't scare him off if he is afraid of talking but just do it carefully and when you are in a calming situation where you are having a nice time together. This may help him to open up if you are enjoying each others company and just having a relaxed chat about things. Hope this helps.
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