A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know I will probably hear a lot comments like just leave him, and find someone else. But that's not why I m telling you my story.The thing is that I am more and more think about having an open kind of relationship with my husband. I know it sounds bad for many people, but this is what I think we should do, I just don't know how to bring this up, and without his concent I won't do it.I love my husband. He is a very good man, father of our grown kids. He is very kind and generous man, never controlled me in a any way. Also always was a and is a great father to our kids.We were married very young, I hardly finished high school, and we were very much in love. After he turned 45 his sex drive declined quite a bit. His testosterone is in norm for his age, so its not the cause. it's just me and him kind of cooled toward each other. As soon as youngest child moved out the house, my husband expressed a desire to have his own bedroom. I was only happy to hear it. He snores, he doesn't like our mattress, and then he does some weird sounds that wake me up. I was happy he stopped sleeping in one bed with me. Our sex life for the past few years is I can say nonexistent. It's very occasional , when we are tipsy, but really you can't call it sex life. I really miss having sex. I can do it myself which I do, but I miss being held and pleasured by a man, I really do. I m still attractive woman, and sometimes I wake up at night with all the dreams I have about it. I don't want to leave him, I want to spend many years to come with him, I don't see why I have to leave a perfectly good marriage because of that, and break our kids hearts. We travel together, have lots of friends, and really enjoy ourselves. I personally think its a big mistake people make when they break up only based on a fact that they cooled of toward each other sexually.Why I m writing this is because recently I met someone,who has exactly similar story as me. The only difference is that him and his wife made that pact years ago, but they never share or discuss anything of that nature. Same story, grown up children, no sex life. I really like him, we met about 2 years ago at a friends house, and always liked each other, it was obvious. I can't stop thinking about him. I am not going to go out and pick up some guy for a one night fling, that's not what I want but to have it with a friend that I like so much as this guy. I can't just do it as I feel like I m betraying my husband trust. When I said it to this man, he told his story and advised me to just talk to my husband about it. He also told me that we could agree of never talk about it, but at least we wouldn't have to pretend like all is ok with us with sex issue, and go and do our own thing and get this pleasure in life. I don't even know how to start this talk with my husband. This man is right, if to speak honestly, my husband also knows that our sex is pretty much over. I know many families do it, aNd I know for sure that many families don't have sex for years, and sleep with other people, hiding from each other. That's not what I want to do.I even had one session with a therapist who specializes in these kind of relationship, and he said that it is a difficult task to perform, but it is possible. What do you guys think, anyone has anything situations like that with your spouses?Also, please, no religious talk, or lectures on how we should stay faithfull no matter what, thank you.
View related questions:
moved out, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
 OP I see your update (again not highlighted in yellow) and I truly do understand what you are saying.here's the catch... MOST people (especially women) cannot separate sex and feelings.IF you begin a sanctioned affair, the possibility exists that you will fall in love with your affair partner. Then what?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I could cope with my wife stepping out if it was really "just sex". Our sex life is near dead, and while I can point lots of blame at her, there's plenty on my side too. If she wanted to get that itch scratched I could live with it.
I couldn't cope with her having an emotional affair, let alone having sex with someone she had feelings for. That would be a complete deal breaker as far as our marriage goes.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 March 2013):
Open marriage = no marriage.
Proceed accordingly.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): To answer why I want to stay married to him is because of companionship, and getting old together, and taking care of each other when one gets sick, and looking forward together for grand kids, spending. Holidays and travel together. We Are very comfortable together, we have a beatifull house, we are a family.
The last thing I want is to start living with someone new at my age, getting used to a new person personal traits and so on. I don't want to be bothered with that all.
Thank you all for your time to answer, I will talk eventually to him, but may be not now
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
I get it. I do. I came from an open marriage. I ended up letting my now ex husband go and marrying the "boy toy"
so even if your marriage is OPEN it does NOT protect it from failure.
Do you want to stay in the marriage because you don't want the pain of a messy divorce.... you two are probably going to have a very amicable friendly divorce if it comes to that. There is no shame in divorce in my opinion (although there are folks who disagree)
If he's moved into the other room and you two live as roommates and are married in name only, I can see easily approaching this with him.
Tell me WHY you need to stay married to him and then we can figure out WHY you want to have an open marriage as opposed to being free and single and finding a man who can give you EVERYTHING in a marriage.
I mean it's not rocket science
you don't want to insult your husband but you have to say to him "hey you don't do it for me any more and I have needs, I'd like a little something something on the side with someone and I don't want to cheat so may I have permission to take a lover discreetly?"
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): After she asked her husband about having an open marriage and was denied, my married girlfriend decided to proceed and have sex outside of her marriage anyway. Your story sounds very familiar because I was selected as the target candidate to satisfy someone's non existent sex life. It's quite obvious that you have made up your mind about having sex outside your marriage, and you would like to do the right thing by asking for permission. Keep in mind though that 99% of men will put the kibosh on your plans because men are territorial by nature and see another mean sleeping with their wife as a serious threat to their manhood and sense of identity. It doesn't matter if your sex life is less than zero. He won't allow it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): That's the thing, Auntyem, I would try if I wanted to. But I don't, him also. We chilled toward each other in that area long time ago. I don't miss making love to HIM, I miss making love in general. This man has nothing to do with my attitude. He didn't influence it it in anyway. We are at the age that no one wants to play any games, we simply want to have something that is gone within our marriages. May be it will be short lived may be long lived , who knows. Lots of people involved, no one wants to break anyone's hearts. That's why I was thinking about open relationship. My therapist said the same, this kind of relationship is lots of work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Have you two tried to spice up your sex lives with each other at all? Trying new things is always fun.My husband and I tried to open relationship approach with rules (no emotions, no going behind each others backs, no sleeping with your ex) just stuff like that and it worked for a little while. But what I thought was a good idea and he did too, turned out to not be such a great idea. Me and my husband love each other, very very much, we have two beautiful children together and he is the greatest man I've ever known. The open relationship ruined our marriage.We are currently in counseling trying to work things through.Just because it didn't work for us doesn't mean it won't work for you and your husband. We just couldn't separate our emotions. I started wondering if he was comparing me to the other girl while we were together and he wondered the same thing. Jealousy reared it's ugly head.Make sure you guys explore all the options, if I could go back , I never would have done it.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 First it's just about the sex...then emotions get in the way and your marriage will fail anyway. Not too many men about who would be happy to share their wife/mother of their children.
Not sure what this other man has been telling you and you have every right to be curious if your own sex life is failing, but the whole 'open relationship' 'friends with benefits' 'sex buddies' thing never ends too well for the lady.
I guess you cannot have it all. I think if I had a husband that had gone off of sex, I'd get my damn defibrilator paddles out and buzz some life back into him (sexually speaking)...I'd give it a damn good try. If he sleeps in a different room, I'd leave a big notice on his door 'Hello it's me...your wife, Just wanted you to know (in huge capitals) I MISS MAKING LOVE TO YOU!!!...I'd buy all the sex toys, do my dance of seduction, not give him a single chance to turn me down...but then again, I am a very proactive person lol.
If you do enter into an open relationship with another man and it all works out and there is no jealousy or unrequieted love or feelings of being used after a time...come back and tell your story here...because I for one would like to hear it.
...............................
|
