A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i met kim in 2005 she was married then. sarah is now divorced 3 years and started having a long distance realationship with a fellow right after her divorce. that realtionship dissolve 8 months ago after 3 years on back and forth travel. then i came into the picture and we have been seen each other since, she told me right away that she was getting over the breakup, i really liked her and thought that i could just be there for her, i have help her in many ways financially,transportation. we have been intimate once and she told me that was hard for her she is still thinking of the ex. i told her three motnhs ago that i would wait for her to heal from that relationship, but she is still not ready to be in a relationship. she keeps in touch with the ex at least once a week she claims to need to have some closure. well i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because i really love her and falling for her and i know i need to give her space and i am afraid to loose her. what should i do?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Ok, since the names were changed to protect the innocent (thank you for the PM clarification, Poster) we may now proceed:
You've described a woman who has jumped into a relationship right after a divorce, it imploded after 8 mos. then she took up with you in the midst of getting over #2 "right away". I begin to wonder if this isn't a serial monogamist you have on your hands. Serial monogamists go from one to another to another. They never seem to manage the elusive closure they're forever pursuing. All you need do is hang on a little longer until she just gets over the last one..or twelve.
Along the way, there's usually at least one among you who is providing financial assistance, a place to live, a car, or at least hot towel service. From many sources there emerges what is an acceptable life style upon which the serial monogamist exists. The elusive closure never happens because it can't. A vital supply line would be severed and the hassle of finding another consumes time and energy. Besides, it's a pain in the ass.
The litmus test in this is for you to say: "oh, ok, so when you're over guy #2 come look me up" then there'll be a litany of reasons why you should just hang on until she finally get's it all together. Her track record demonstrates that getting it together (or over) just doesn't happen,somehow. Unless, of course, you really like playing second or third base. I'm betting if you took a good look around you'd easily find the evidence to support the above. Certainly I could be wrong, but I've watched the above play-out lines in this same game for many years now. Her name is Deb, sometimes, she calls herself Paige. The names are different but the pattern is the same, I assure you.
It continually amazes me that she has no sense of guilt in what she does to these men. I hope you're not one of them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): I'm afraid you've no chance here. It simply is not going to work out. You're her plan B, put simply she's keeping you around to give her all the attention and emotions she misses from her ex but he is still the only man for her.
You can't win. Really and truly if there was chance that she would love you too then it would have happened already and frankly she's not even trying.
It's simply not possible to move on from an ex if you're still in contact with them and still in love with them. It doesn't work like that and while she says she wants closure the reality is more likely that she's trying to fix their relationship and get back with him. The fact that she's still in contact means she's not willing to let go of him, and no matter what she says, this indicates that she still harbours hope of being with him again, he is still a major part of her life.
I'm afraid you can't lose her because you don't actually have her at all in the first place.
You have two choices, you can stay with her and be completely crushed by her ongoing relationship with her ex with very little chance that anything will ever happen between you and her, or you can move on. That's all there is to it. You chose the wrong path when you decided to continue chasing a girl that's still wholley devoted to her ex, she can't even stand to be intimate with you because she feels a sense of betrayal to her ex in this act. This is not good at all my friend.
If I were in your shoes and I have been, I'd move on, I'd tell I can no longer be her friend because my feelings are too strong and hanging around waiting for something that will never happen is just too hard.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Don't get involved with her---she has already stated to you that she needs clousure with her ex IF she ever does. The last thing you want is her leaving you for him later on down the road. She can't force herself to get over him and nor can you -TIME will only tell. Moreover, you never, ever tell someone that you will wait for them while they heal or get over a previous relationships because, you are setting yourself up to be used and your heart to be broken. I applaud her for being honest, thus, if you do end up being broken-hearted, you can't place all the blame on her because, she told you that she still thinks of her ex and may even still have feelings for him.
I can tell you right now that you are setting yourself up for failure.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (28 May 2010):
"I met kim in 2005 she was married then. sarah is now divorced 3 years.." What did I miss here? First Kim, then Sarah....is this a typo or are we talking about two different people?
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