A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I was scolded for not doing what my mother asked (she told me to, put the orange towel inside my room, so I ignored her and put it outside because I wanted it there.)Because of that I got told off and scolded. My older brother comes in and asks me what's wrong with my relationship with mum and I.I told him that, I just don't like the way she treats me. He responds that I should think how she feels and told me to think about it in my room.Before that he spoke to me that I should keep the bath towel inside my room because my mother said so.Because of that I've come to realize and notice how my own mother treats me, however she is sly and is good at hiding being wary how she would show herself.Foe example; she pretends she wants the best for me (like buying me stuff), then once she finishes acting all happy and stuff, some seconds later she would begin to act bipolar and mean.When that happens others side with her, and then I just end up suffering. Everyone turns on me and I get shouted at.Another thing to note is that, I fear that there's somebody that's interfering in my relationship with a person that I love. I believe I don't know who the person is.And if I don't do anything about it soon, I'd of made another mistake and made the same errors again.I don't want that to happen.Knowing that there are plenty of 20 year olds who would more than likely have the same problems as this; this is serious to me and I do need some guidance.I mean is it even reasonable that I shouldn't be allowed to go out and just try to get a job myself?To not be bale to go out or live life to the fullest, because I really want to?Once I asked if I could go out, so I asked my mother she acted hostile and didn't believe that I should go out. Then in a snap she acts calm and innocent and tells me that she'd think about it.It didn't happen.The other problem is... I believe my mum is in my way in life and I am quite sick and tired of all of this.I'm 20 years old and have always stayed home, I don't want that any more and want to experience and live life.Please what I'm looking for is:- answers that are specific straight-to-the-point - please no comparing your situation to mine, I want answers and advice help in this- some advice on how to deal with this, what to do with the person interfering and should I just go out?Because I hope I don't need permission. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): I have never had this situation before but I know people who have so appolises if I get this wrong but I shall give it ago.
In one repspect I agree with @midnight shadow, regarding: its her house and her rules. On the other hand I think its jumping the gun a little.
I don't know you, so I don't know what your attitude is like. You could be a lovely person who just feel trapped or you could have abit of an attitude. If you're around the 18-20 age mark I would say both, we've all been in that awkward stage.
Personally, regarding the towel situation like Midnight Shadow suggests, unless there is a valid reason I think you should just obey your mum. Maybe ask her why its so important or whatever. But either way, she will want her house as she wants it which you must obey.
However in terms of going out I think it is wrong. Its very old fashioned and over protective to keep your kids indoors all the time. Maybe she has a reason for this? Something happened to someone she knows or when you were younger? Try and think back and try and understand why she does this. Look into your future an the sort of jobs you would like and sit down and discuss these with her. Explain to her that you want to make a future for yourself and you need to find your own way in life
Maybe sit down and have a chat with your mum about the way you feel. Don't be demanding, aggrogant or pushy. Just simply explain that as a 20? year old you want to do what other people your age are doing and reassure her that you will do this safely.
I HATE how people think the parents are always correct. In MANY cases YES THEY ARE. But my mum went through a difficult patch with me when I was abit younger than you where because she was shouting at me for nothing and suddenly pushing me away when I had done nothing wrong it made me worse, when it actual fact I just wanted to be loved and recognised as a normal child rather than being made to feel bad and scared all the time.
YOU need to understand why she does this so talk to her and/or family or friends. Don't just throw the towel in and have ago back, it won't help. Explain to ger your concerns and that you wnt to take a genuine interest in how she feels and you and your choices. But remember it is her house, its her rules, but this does not give her a right to keep you from having a life outside of your home as long as this does not negatively inforce anything on her life or property. (ie- Don't do drugs or take people back to HER house, without her permission). Obviously you can always look into moving out, but I think this is more about the need to build a relationship with your mother before you think about anything else. Just remember, and I'm very sorry if this is not within your nature: You cannot be selfish and get your own way AT ALL. I'm not saying you are but its very easy to act that way without realising. You both seem to be in the wrong and I'm sure you are a lovely person so show her what a grown up you are and try and influence some development. if she flips out at you, its obviously her problem. Don't throw it back in her face if this is the case. Just explain to her how you feel about the situation and the effect it is having on your life. Talk to other family members if needed but it is her house not yours. Less of the attitude, more of the understanding.
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (14 February 2015):
 I didn't say you lied about your age; I said the tone of it sounded like it was coming from a defiant 16 year old who wanted her own way all the time - most of us have been there at some point and for some of us, like you, it happens when you're a bit older too :P
I do think moving out would be your best option, but I don't think you should trick yourself into believing that your mum is being the difficult one when she has very good reasons for what she asks you to do :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): @Midnight Shadow:
You are right about one thing; move out.
I understand everything that you've said, so I will follow your advice.
Plus I'm not 16 or younger. Why would I lie about how old I really am? I wouldn't. Nooooope.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (14 February 2015):
I do have a similar situation to you, but you said not to say this because, quite frankly, you're full of attitude and want everything your way. You have a problem, you asked for advice, you'll have to take what you get - or we can't help you.
Honestly, I understand where you're coming from with being an adult but feeling treated as a child, but that's partially because your kind of acting like one sometimes - like disobeying your mother on stupid little things. It's her house so, unless it's major, you should do as she asks because you stay there (rent free?) and could move out. In fact, if you want to do what you're doing now (and more), without being controlled (which she has every right to do in this situation), then you need to move out.
In regards to the towel, if you had a valid reason for having *your* towel outside of *your* room, then maybe it would be different, but you wouldn't know because you wanted it that way, so you did it against your mother's wishes. Have you asked if you can hang it on your door because it would dry easier than lying around your room (when used)?
Sure, her rules seem unreasonable for a 20 year old, but part of that will be because *you* are being *very* unreasonable and are treating it like you own the house and everything should be the way you want it - it shouldn't, unless you move out.
What you should do:
- Stop complaining and disobeying simple things without a valid reason (try to compromise with your mother, *if* you have a valid reason),
- Acknowledge that your mother and you are very similar and want things the way you want them,
- Accept that it's her house, her rules,
- Appreciate that you have a mother who does care about you enough to allow you to still live there and not throw you out (since you don't seem particularly easy to live with),
- Be grateful that your mother isn't an abusive tyrant and that your older brother, though he shouldn't try to "punish" you, is trying to look out for your mum *and* you, by sharing with you that he realises you need to be happy with what you have and shouldn't treat your mum the way you do.
Your post says you are 20, but sounds like it's coming from a defiant 16 year old because that's how you feel you're being treated, but you're also acting like one (at least sometimes). Try being more grown up, spending a bit of quality time with your mother, doing the things I mentioned above and you may find yourself a changed person who's more mature and maybe even being treated more like a trustworthy adult - because you'll have started acting like one :P
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