A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like such a failure.i'm 27 years old,dont have a job and live with my grandparents.i have either quit jobs or been fired from them due to lack of confidence.my dad has been married 3 times and had my two half brothers in his first marriage and me and my younger brother in his second marriage.he met another woman 2 years ago,when he had been divorced from my mum for 5 years.after just a few months of dating,they said they wanted to move in together.then all of a sudden my dad lost his job and we moved out of the house that my dad,me and my younger brother had lived in for 5 years.my dad also got remarried soon after we all moved so he has lived with her since.it was very difficult that i had lived with my dad for so long and then we all had to move out and he got remarried in such a short space of time.my dad said i could live with them at first then changed his mind.my brother lived with my uncle for a bit as he had nowhere else to go as he didnt have a job.my mum also lived with me at my grandparents house but then she found a house and moved into it with my brother.they didnt even tell me until the last minute just before they moved ! My dad also didnt mention that he was getting remarried until after everything was booked which i thought was cruel.i was born 3 months premature and got bullied at school.my parents mollycoddled me as a child but they have also been verbally and physically abusive towards me.i have anxiety and always feel like the odd one out. I dont get on well with my grandma either.i want to get out of this situation but i dont know where to turn.please can someone help me ?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 You need some outside support for your needs. and to overcome all the betrayals you have faced.
At age 26-29 you are now an adult.
But anxiety is seriously debilitating. So please speak to your Doctor about that. You need very good profesional support to get through that. There is no shame in getting such support. If your knee was not functioning you would get medical attention for that. Your anxiety is no different and needs Good support.
No doubt your grandparents love you and enjoy your company. But if you were able to mix with more people your own age that too may improve your confidence. Neither your Mom nor your Dad are bothering to keep you informed.
But if things have been tough in the past I can understand why all this seems so over-whelming.
Becoming independant is important.
But if your confidence level is zero that can be daunting. And it is reasonable that you will need some outside support - support clearly not forthcoming from your family. In fact it will be better for you if you seek such support yourself and work towards improving your confidence using resources outside your family circle.
I would suggest a visit to your nearest Citizen's Advice Bureau. Mention your lack of confidence. Mention that you need to get some support to be Job-ready. And some Life skills to start living in the community away from family. And some counselling to help you to learn how to cope alone in the world. Mention that you have Anxiety. They can help you with this by suggesting support strategies or groups you could seek help from.
Do get all the advice FIRST from Citizen's Advice. Make plans once things are definite that you can find outside accomodation. Then thank your grandparents for all their support . And GO.
Don't sit around over-thinking every angle. Just get on with living and independant life. Where you decide the rules and what happens and when and where. After thanking your grandparents.
If anything any molly coddling is keeping you stifled and unable to move toward a more indenpendant lifestyle
If there are any additional health issues then also ask the Citizen;s Advice Bureau what other support you may be able to access.
You do need to leave the famiyl home. Obviously you are not getting the respect you deserve in that setting where people keep you out of the loop and ignore you. Or worse undermine you.
As parent I see my role as bringing up children to stand on their own two feet as soon as possible. To that end I love encouraging all manner of coping skills - be it cooking meals at home, keeping rooms tidy, managing their pocket money, doing their homework without nagging and not being sly, devious nor too tricky by half. There is more concern from me for being kept in the dark and lied to than there is for the most diabolical problem they bring to us (father and mother) and ask for our support to help them work through it. Open table discussion and my favorite game :"Logical conclusion" are the order of the day. "logical conclusion" is where I magnify how much worse it could get if they keep on doing anything that is not in their best interest. Often children have not thought out the consequwnces of their actions until it is brought to their attention, to ponder.
Saving up themselves for bigger things that they want. I fail as a parent if my children expect me to solve their every problem. I am there as a resource, as an encourager, as a support. However I still expect children to be able to discuss and devise solutions that are in their own best interest, and modify solutions if there are any concerns. And come up with mutually agreed solutions that are safe and secure good solutions.
Since I was already married and had become a mother by your age I think it is time you started leaning on some serious support mechanisms to get you more independant as soon as possible.
Best of luck with this. Pretty soon your will find independant living will help your confidence, even if you have to share a flat with someone else in a similar situation to you. Though if you can put your name down on a waiting list for a one bedroom place to live in all the better. Such places are out there and you will be eligible for benefits to help you pay for this.
Your New Life is Just begining and I hope you enjoy the experience very much. But get all the support in place first.
Some of the links below may also help you deal with bullying too.
http://bullyoffline.org/workbully/index.htm
http://www.overcomebullying.org/bullying-links.html
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion – how an abuser does it
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 If you want to get out of this situation and you feel like you don't belong with your family well then it is time that you need to stand on your own feet. You say you don't get on with your grand mother but at least she has taking you in to her home and provided a roof over your head. You need to start going out and looking for work. I know how hard it is at the moment to find work but you need to do everything in your power. Go to the Councillor and apply for housing benefits. Try and find a little place of your own that you can call home. Maybe even go back to education. Just do whatever you can do be independent. You wont gain confidence unless you learn to live life independently. good luck.
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