A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with the same man for almost seven years now. I am almost 24 and he is 27. i love him very much, but I feel I have given this relationship enough of my time. What I mean by that is that is I want to get married. He loves me very much, but it is like marriage is out of the question for him. Every time I bring it up he changes the subject, or just dismisses the idea completely. I know he wants to have a family with me because he talks about "when we have kids" or "when we get pregnant" but I don't think he wants to get married. I am thinking about giving him an ultimatum either marry me or break it off. I know this sounds terrible, but I don't think it will ever happen if I don't do this. I realize that I am young and at my age 7 years isn't that big of a deal. At the same time I don't want to do this to him, but i feel that i need to know for me. I have even asked him do you plan on marrying me, and he says "I don't know what to say to that, I mean i cant give you a date". This sounds like to me that he doesn't want to marry me, but he is wording it like he might just so I won't get upset. i just really don't know what to do. I am not going to be one of those women that stays with the same man and has kids, but never gets married. I need some advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Dear OP, it is your right to want marriage, so if after 7 years you need to give him an ultimatum, then do. you do not want to be stuck in a realtionship that is going no where with no one. i think he is the selfish one just deliberately not committing to you. he may talk about the future with you, but his actions speaks otherwise. you have a strong belief system and you should not compromise it just to appear liberal minded. there is nothing wrong in having morals, a belief system and also a sense of family and family belonging.
the feedback you have received thus far, i believe, is unfair and makes you seem as though you are forcing this "marriage concept" down his throat. this is a liberal site so the responses received is in line with that thinking.
have an honest talk with him, tell him your hearts desires and then if he is still undecided about committment and marriage, then at least you would have left no stone unturned. then when you move on, you know that it is really time to find someone else with your strong family and belief system.
you are not the bad one here (as you have been made out to be). you are justified in wanting marriage . hell after 7 years both of you should know whether you want to spend the rest of your lives together. i firmly believe that although committment is not that legal piece of paper, married couples tend to try to work harder to make it work. they just do not throw in the towel. they try and well if it fails, it fails. you are not emotionally blackmailing your bf or even pressurising him. in fact i believe he is stalling, without a firm committment.
be proud of your value system and do not allow ANYONE to demean it and devalue it, or even criticise it. each to his/her own...............good luck. just remember, if you need to move on, it will be hard, but it will be necessary.
A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 Well if the idea of marriage is more important to you than he is then it sounds as though youve made your decision already. Its him you need to be convincing, not me, so all you can do is have a real conversation with him - but honestly if I were him I'd be a little insulted not to be considered part of your family after 7 years of devotion and offering you children. Fair enough if thats how your family operates, but seems like you'll be pressuring him into something he's already decided he doesn't want - you say you'll be resentful if he doesnt marry you but it seems that he will be resentful if you emotionally blackmail him into it.
That being said, i'm just going on what youve told us; only you know how much he really is against the idea of getting married. So maybe he will be fine with it - we cant give you that answer, youve got to approach him about it. If after the conversation he's still not enthusiastic about it, then I guess the only option you've left yourself is to break it off.
Good luck, I hope things work out for both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Back off! You are pushing this guy too hard and are going to lose him before you are ready. What's wrong if he doesn't want to marry? He has that right.
Quite simply, I advise you to axe the relationship because you both have different moral values, if nothing else. You don't want to be "barefoot and pregnant" without a husband. He doesn't seem to mind.
Most importantly, 7 years have passed. That is certainly enough time that he would have decided about a marriage. Don't make the mistake of taking him back if he suddenly says he will marry you. He would always blame you for that.
Good luck! I know that turning your back and walking away would require a lot of strength. However, if you don't go ahead with it, you will never achieve your goal of marrige.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that some relationships are fine with out the idea of marriage. However I was raised different and it is important to me. Marriage isn't only for me but our families as well. I want him to be an official part of my family as well as me in his. I don't want him to get left out of family portraits and not invited to special functions because well he is just her boyfriend...why is he here? It is just how my family works and I would like to keep it that way. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper to me, it is the official coming together of families and I don't want to deny that to me or our families.
I realize that I am overreacting a little bit, but sometimes when you feel strongly about something, it takes a little overreacting to get to the bottom of it. Also i agree that if an idea is pushed that it will breed resentment. Which is what I don't want for myself. I don't want to resent him the rest of my life because he didn't want to get married.
Thank you for your perspective, but I am who I am, just like you are who you are.
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (27 September 2009):
I think you need to consider what it is about marriage which is so appealing to you, and then try to convey that to him.Personally I do think you're overreacting a bit; but that is only because of my belief that a strong and committed relationship does not require marriage to validate it. I dont see what is so awful about being "one of those women that stays with the same man and has kids, but never gets married" - as far as i see it, those women have hugely strong relationships and didnt need a ring on their finger to know that their man wanted to be with them forever.However if you really feel marriage is something you need, and he doesnt want it, i guess maybe that could be considered a dealbreaker for you - only you know, and you cant try to push him into something he doesnt want; this will only breed resentment. But it does sound as though he wants a proper future - children, etc. Why isnt this enough?Good luck anyway - just offering you a different perspective. I hope everything works out for you. :) xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): Yeah, asking and being firm with this question is going to take a lot of courage on your part, and for that, I wish you luck. If it goes in a negative direction, though, it's better that you found out earlier rather than being strung along any longer. Take a deep breath. Things will work out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are definitely right....but I am really scared of the answer. I guess i will try to think positive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): Just ask him, again, point-blank, whether or not he ever plans on marrying you. You've been together long enough that there's no reason for him to be uncomfortable discussing it. If he tries to defuse it with a "oh I don't know when I would", tell him you don't need to know a date, you just need a yes or a no. Be very clear about what you want and where you want the relationship to go or not go. If he still won't give you an answer, that probably means he doesn't want to get married. If he can't commit to a yes or a no, how will he commit to marriage?
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