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anonymous
writes: I have been with my man for about 2 years... everything is great except he won't get a divorce!We have been living together for most of the 2 years and are in a wonderful loving realtionship. He and his wife seperated about a 6 months to a year before we got together. His wife knows about me and they have a child together. Whilst all this is okay, they are living seperate lives and only have contact for the child, he won't get a divorce. When I force the issue he gets all cross.. saying that it won't make any difference to anything and that it's only on paper. I'm like, "are you ever gonna get a divorce?" He says "Yeah just haven't got round to it", and then it goes on and he says I'm nagging. Now in the whole scheme of things it's not really an issue.. he's with me all the time, we have a great relationship. It's just this divorce thing that makes me all edgy... he's not going to get back with her, he has assured me of that. They did have an up and down marriage anyway before they split, so I'm not worried they are gonna get back. it's just the principle. He's like "things take time and we will get there". The only thing I guess he's scared of is the child. They get on because of the child and I wouldn't change that. I just can't understand why he won't divorce her. Don't think he wants to upset the applecart because of the child as his ex can be a bit awkward. It just bugs me that we can have the perfect relationship even though on paper he's still married to her. It's not a case of get him to get a divorce or kick him out.. it's not drastic like that as in everyday life it doesn't affect us... It's just me not liking it.How can I calm down until he does decide to it? It's so annoying that his answer is it won't make much difference and can't see why I'm so bothered about it. How can I get him to see that it does bother me and I would like to be able to get that bit out of the way ? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just be patient ?
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female
reader, 4spedders  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 It's been five years since this member wrote in with her problem. I'd love to know how you're doing now, if you're reading this..?I've been in the same situation.. for (this is very embarrassing).. 16 years. However it wasn't until I became pregnant with our son that it started to really upset me. Last night things came to a head. I think we may finally have finished this relationship, and I can't stop crying. I'm so angry that I didn't take steps years ago to leave this destructive situation, before it damaged me as much as it has. Penny M, your answer sucks. It's NOT just a peice of paper. It's so much more than that, as anybody who is married and values that union will tell you. It's like living with a ghost. And for me, it's the realisation of a humiliating prediction the former wife made to me not long after I met her husband. (He'll never divorce me, he's too in love). This is too emotional for me to continue to write about.
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female
reader, PennyM  +, writes (22 February 2010):
I think that the comments left are very harsh!
i am in a situation very very similar to this but there is no child involved.
I have days when i struggle with the fact that there is a piece of paper that says he's hers but i really do have to let myself know,it is just a piece of paper, an important one if made witht he right person but it sounds like this is not the case here.
He loves you or he wouldn't have stayed with you this long. Imagine the biggest mistake you've ever made and then imagine having to face that, i know my bofriend likes to push it to the back of his mind otherwise he does feel awful for it not working.
The guilt isn't because he still loves her but the opposite, because at some point or another he had to stand infront of her and tell her he didn't love her. Asking for a divorce is basically doing that all over again.
I can imagine the fear of losing your child by starting an arguement and bringing up old issues is scary.
i think that if you are both happy and when you are with him he makes you feel important to him then you have to be patient.
I think my boyfriend was shocked when i explained to him how it made me feel so i think its good to sit and discuss real reasons why it makes you feel worth less than his old wife.
I am sure that he loves you and his child and if he is a good person he is probably just trying to minamise the pain he knows that asking for a divorce will cause his ex.
I really hope that you can all be happy and work it out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): fuck yeah it makes a difference! At least your man has left his bitch, my fucker has no children, and he is still not able "to take the next step" after 2 and 1/2 years. I have the kids, he is just giving me a run around, and, yes, I am finally waking up after paying for so much of our "going out". I am so stupid. He knows that I only get 320.00 a month for 2 kids, when I have them majority of the time, and pay their health insurance. Yes, I am a sucker, but I fell so in love with how he treated me as a good and wonderful person, like I am, at first. Time will tell all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): you should tell him that your gonna leave him unless he divorces her by a certain time(mm/dd/yyyy
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reader, jrs +, writes (26 April 2005):
No, you should not be patient! This man is still legally married, which means INFIDELITY! Not to sound harsh, but even though they are separated, it is still reality. What happens if he stays with you and then meets someone else? If he can cheat while he is still legally married, he can definitely cheat when he is just living with you. I suggest you save yourself from a serious heartbreak and leave this guy. He is just beating around the bush because even if he tells you otherwise, he still probably has feelings for his wife, plus a child to think about. I think a lot of couples always try to resolve things because of their children. I would suggest telling him if he really loves you and wants to be with you he can get his divorce and contact you when it "is on paper". Hopefully you can move on and meet someone else who is truly wonderful, and not married, and realise what you are really searching for.
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