A
female
age
30-35,
*ilemaaax
writes:My mother is a workaholic. She always has been, my whole life. She's fond of saying how she went back to work the day after she and I came home from the hospital after I was born. She says she works so hard so that we can have a nice life but I could count our happy memories on one hand. I don't think we've ever spent a full day together. We have never seen a movie together, had coffee together or gone shopping together.I'm 22 and my brother is 15. I think she regrets not spending enough time with me because she spends a lot of time on him. She talks about how much she loves him and how proud she is. She says she loves me too but its obvious that she means it less. I know she has always been disappointed in me and my achievements in life. I could count the number of times she has visited me since I moved out 3 years ago on one hand. When I ring her she often says she has to go and will call me back... she NEVER calls me back. She never calls me at all. I cry and beg her to spend time with me and tell her how much I crave her attention and she LAUGHS and tells me not to be ridiculous. It is humiliating and demeaning. I think she loves me in her own way that I don't understand. She says she loves me but I have seen nothing to prove it. When I tell her I feel unloved she says things like, "how stupid, do you know how much your tuition cost? You get the best of everything and complain about not being loved!"She will never accept fault or blame. I have come to realise very recently I was emotionally neglected for most of my childhood. She cannot see it, she doesn't understand. I want her to change but I don't think she ever will. I crave her love so much and find myself constantly seeking love elsewhere... Usually from men, in particular older men. I find it extremely hard to connect with women and only have 1 female friend. I think this is because I have no sisters and never bonded with my mother. I don't think I ever learned how to love properly. The only way I know how to love is with my body. I have a loving boyfriend but his love is not enough so I seek it outside our relationship. I have not slept with anyone else since we've been together but I have had many "emotional" affairs. I want to forgive her but she won't change and I don't know how to. I wonder if I should just break ties with her... I know she wouldn't try to contact me. I don't know what to do. I don't know why she doesn't love me.
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affair, moved out, older men, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 With a few minor changes, I could have written this - I'm not even joking.
She probably doesn't bother contacting you because she knows you'll do it. If you can, just don't bother any more. Try your best not to care whether she calls or not - maybe even giving her a taste of her own medicine (only once, don't push it) by telling her you'll "call her back" and don't.
With all of that being said, keep a relationship with your brother; you don't want to emotionally abandon him, and be prepared to forgive your mother IF she CHOOSES to change.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 I would strongly suggest you find a good therapist and work through the issues that are causing you make bad choices and use your body to find love (that's not love btw that's sex)
It is perfectly acceptable to end a relationship with a blood relative who is not giving you what you want need.
You can't change her. YOu can only work on yourself and change yourself.
Find a therapist. Also maybe some women's groups that are just book clubs or social groups to make friends.
Open your world to making friends that are not in your age range. My closest friend in this day and age is young enough to be my daughter and many folks assume she is my child and her child my grand child. And yet we nurture each other in many ways.
You want to forgive her... that's good.
she won't change... no she won't.. what does her not changing have to do with you forgiving her. are you forgiving her and expecting that to make a difference.
the forgiveness is NOT for her it's for you.
be selfish... take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (12 February 2015):
 Your mother thinks that providing things for you, like a nice house and a good education, are proof that she cares for you. This is, if you like, her love language.
What she does not understand is that people need a whole lot more than that to feel loved and appreciated.
What you really want from her is her time. If she takes time to talk with you, share things with you and have fun together, you would feel loved and appreciated.
Maybe you could write her a letter expressing why you feel the way you do?
Why not suggest the two of you spend a day together, and suggest what you could do and agree a day you could do it on when you are both free.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): First things first. Stop blaming your mother or anyone else for your own shortcomings. Your mother may have failed at giving you the emotional tie you needed, that is her loss and her mistake amd she will have to live with that forever.That does not give you a green light to push away anyone who cares about you or to cheat. That mistake lies with you and you alone. If you choose to make it.You need to cut ties with your mother. Completely. Be prepared to forgive if she comes to her senses later on, but you need to let the past stay there. Take control of your life, stop trying to make connections with people where there are none. You have a loving boyfriend. If you do not find his love enough then end it and find someone else who brings out the love in you and them. Who makes life worth living.But stop blaming others for your own character flaws. Start taking responsibility for yourself and your happiness.
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