| A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Right well, here it goes! I've been with my girlfriend since March '05. We get on so great, we are made for each other, I just know we are. I love her with all my heart and soul and I know she feels the same. We very rarely fought, and if we ever did it would always be about something very stupid. This all changed last october however.Her and her two best friends went to visit two male friends in college. I get on great with the two guys, as theyve know my girlfriend since the were very young. When she came back everything changed. She snapped at me very regularly, and although we were still madly in love, so much had changed. We practically stopped having sex and she just seemed awkward around me. Two days ago it emerged that when she went to visit the guys, she kissed one of them at a nightclub, and ended going back and sleeping in his bed. Aparently they kissed, but nothing else happened. She says she was very drunk, and I know from experience she gets very drunk very easily and when shes drunk she gets very tired. She eventually told me she had no clothes on in his bed, but she cant remember them coming off. She is adamant all that happened was they kissed. She said he tried to go down on her and thats when she realised what was happening and stopped it and walked away.She is devistated about it, as am I obviously. There is a long history with them though. The used to be going out a long time ago, and ever since anytime she's had a relationship he's wanted to be with her. She says this is what she needed to happen in a way cause now he's eventually out of her life. She says it will never happen again but we were so in love i just could have never seen it happening in the first place. All her friends were shocked when they found out about this, but when they heard it was with him they werent half as shocked. I want to forgive her so so so so so much but it just keeps playing on my mind. I cant stop seeing them together. Can someone please offer advice? Should I take her back?
View related questions:
best friend, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): Hey its me, the origional poster. I REALLY appreciate the advice. You're all saying exactly what Im thinking and thats very comforting. I dont think I can fully forgive her for a very long time, not until she proves to me I can trust her. Thats why I didnt mind her going in the first place, because I trusted her, but I guess i was wrong to do so.
She insists she never wants to see him again, that she hates him. She also insists that she never wants to be away from me again. But I dont want that. I want to be able to trust her if she does go away! But I guess considering the situation it was inevitable. Im going to confront her again tomorrow and ask her again if she's told me everything. Ive already asked her this lots and she assures me I know it all. All she keeps saying is "I didn't want to be there" but at the same time she is taking responsability for it. I see this as being very mature about it as she's nto blaming it all on the alcohol or the guy, even though both those things played a huge factor in my opinion.
Anyways guys, thanks so much for the advice, its very much appreciated :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): The worse part wasn't being naked in bed...that still downplaying.
He wants to believe it's the worst as it seems to just keep getting uglier and uglier and with it harder and harder to deal with.
She should have just hit you with the truth.
Wait...she should not have gone out with single GF's into an atmosphere where alcohol and a single male with whom she has an infinity for without you being present.
She has demonstrated she is unreliable and prone to disastorous decisions when alcohol is introduced into the equation.
She needs to commit to not putting herself into such a situation EVER...and she needs to tell you the whole truth so you can make a honest decision.
If you choose to stay, she has months and months to prove she can be reliable and trustworthy. It is going to take time and continued work and sacrifice to gain back your full trust and faith in her.
You both need couples counselling to aid you in this recovery.
Best Wishes.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 I totally agree with Dr. Pete. She's only telling you bits and pieces. This takes the burden off of her shoulders because she's told you the worse part. She was naked in bed. She realized he was going down on her....at what point did she realize? Was he already down? She can't remember taking her clothes off but she is sure nothing happened. I'll bet she's hoping nothing happened.
She can tell you she regrets it and you'd like to forget it. The truth is, if she was going through the motions of having sex with a person she wasn't supposed to be with, it's probably because it felt good. We try to justify things to ourselves to heal out wounds. The truth is, the real story is usually black and white. She knew going there that they had history and this guy and everytime she had a new relationship, he wanted to be with her.
Sometimes I think when people cheat with old flames they feel it's not as bad. You love her and you're hurting. There is no good excuse for what she did. None. You want to rationalize it to make it work out i your head. If you want to forgive her, that has to come from your heart and with time. It will not be easy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Time is the biggest healer, and it sounds like you need a lot more of it.
To be honest, I think you seem to be in denial of what actually happened. Your message is padded out with "we're so in love" and I don't think what she has done has truely sunk in yet; like you say, you loved her so much you didn't imagine it to happen. It's a big shock.
You also seem to be justifying what she did. You make a point that she was drunk, you even say she gets tired(!) what does that have to do with her making out with another man and sleeping with him?
I'm sorry but I CERTAINLY don't think she has told you the whole story, she has missed graphic details out. I think she is trying to make it easier on you, and she also is protecting herself. Two people drunk, kissing, naked in bed - I'm sure things were far more passionate and physical than she is making out, don't you? if you really think about it? Why am I telling you this; because you are obviously in love with this girl and you are refusing to see exactly what she has done to you.
To truely forgive someone for something like this can take a very long time, and, in my experience, it usually happens long after you have broken up with the person. Staying together you risk turning your love into hate and resentment. She too will resent you if you are unable to forgive her.
I think though - you will take her back, won't you? If you wish though to pursue the road of forgiveness with her be very aware of how she treats you from now on. She should do everything to show you she is dedicated to you. Likewise, you must do everything to show you truely want to forgive her. That means, eventually, being able to never hold it against her. But in the meanwhile, you need to be able to talk about how it has made you feel, and she needs to be able to reassure you and help you understand. This process though can not go on forever. You will need to reach a point where it is dealt with, and in the past.
I wish you the best with whatever you choose to do, and can assure you, no matter what choices you make, it will get easier.
...............................
|
