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female
age
51-59,
*llalone
writes: Hello. I need help. I have been with this guy for about 3 years now, and I am so confused. This guy is 20 years older than myself- I'm 36 and he is 56. At first, when he started asking me out, I found every excuse no to go out with him. This went on for about 2 years. (I have known him for over 10 yrs). When I did finally go out with him, we had a great time. Now 3 years later, I don't know what to do. Seems like the more interested I get, the further away he becomes. This is driving me crazy. I truley belive I love him. I have tried to talk about things with him, but I never get any answers. He has been married 3 times, and I think the last marriage was really hard on him. I understand this, but in the same aspect, I kinda feel like I'm waisting my time. I don't want to be alone, but I can't seem to move on either. Sex has come to a stop, and I feel like he is becoming more distant. I have even tried to break things off with him, but for some reason, we still get together about everynight for dinner, and whenever there is a get together with friends, we go together. He comes to my family functions, and I have been to a couple of his. He has even stopped asking me to his family affairs. Do I hang on, or stop things altogether. I need help.
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (31 December 2006):
 He probably likes the thrill of the chase. Just go back to being slightly distant.....then let me know how his behaviour changes?
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (31 December 2006):
 Blues2 is absolutely right. By making yourself happy...others are drawn to you. Maybe you don't need something to move on TO....maybe you have taken the best part of this relationship to heal from your last one. Don't think of this one as a failure....but a stepping stone to that well deserved healthy prosperous relationship you wish for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): I am sorry you feel that you have nothing to move on to....I think you might surprise yourself and find that this relationship has been dragging you down and robbing you of your self confidence, if you break up with him don't be surprised if he comes knocking as you are safe and familiar, but ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship that you want to settle for.
Take what you have learned about yourself in this relationship, take inventory of what you want in a partner and don't settle for less than....you don't have to be married or in a relationship to be happy, you having survived an abusive marriage and a relationship with a man who is probably too old for you should know this on some level! Take some me time and figure out what lights you up about your own life a be grateful for that and what you DO have....when you become happy on your own, you will attract the right kind of guy to you and will probably find that you have too many to pick from because they will all wonder where that inner light is coming from that they see in you, right now you are a drag even to yourself, so get out and get up and get going, you can do it!
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A
female
reader, allalone +, writes (30 December 2006):
allalone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think all of you are right, I think it's time to move on. But it is really hard, especially since it feels like I have nothing to move on to. I think another part of it is that I feel safe with him. I had a really bad and abusive marriage, so there for I had alot of healing to do. Not only for myself but my children. When you go through something like that, you sometimes feel like you aren't worthy of being loved. If this relationship ends, I don't know that I can try again. I'm tired. My heart has been broken and I'm not sure that anything can put it back together again.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (30 December 2006):
Sorry dear...for him it was about the chase...he won you....but now you are having to try to win him and the more you chase...the more he will run.
I call that type of man a JR Ewing (from the old Dallas Tv show) They only want what they can't have....and once they get it...they don't have any interest in it...because there is something else to pursue. (also called Cat mentality) once the mouse stops running...its no fun.
Don't make yourself so available....You must always maintain your own interests. Be vague and mysterious....Tell him your sorry about dinner...but you have plans....Don't elaborate. Don't call him all the time....and don't ring him back the instant he calls you. If you want this man...you will always have to make him the pursuer. He began taking you for granted because YOu began letting him. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): This guy is not really being fair to you, he won't talk to you and instead takes it for granted that you will allow him to be your habit, your daily dinner companion, he has stopped having sex with you, he is really very emotionally distant from you, and why do you think you are in love with a man who is not emotionally available to you anymore if he ever was.
He may have his reasons for not wanting marriage with you, his advancing age, his guilt over being 20 years older than you knowing men die younger than women, his three failed marriages, burned out on marriage, but the bottom line is this....you are at different places in your lives, you want marriage probably, what about kids, you aren't getting any younger....this is not the relationship that is going to give you what you want.
So your choices are to stay around with a man who is "just there" out of attachment, comfort and convenience or you can cut your losses, move on knowing you may be on your own for quite awhile, but free to meet and fall in love with a more appropriate partner for you. I know what my choice would be.
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female
reader, kellyO +, writes (30 December 2006):
 Hi Allalone,
i think he isnt ready for an emotional commitment right now and i wouldnt blame him really with three marriages under his belt that would make anyone weary of marriage and commitments.
what i would advise u to do is make time to meet other people and enjoy yourself. Give him the space he requires. you cant continue waiting on him when he hasnt given u any hopes to hang on to.
Goodluck dear and happy holiday!
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