A
female
age
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*oSueMe
writes:Hello all, I probably already know the answer to this question but I wanted to bounce it off everyone. I'm divorced and an older woman, so I should know better. My boyfriend is no kid either. He is divorced and his ex-wife constantly keeps his 9 year old from seeing him. He has been laid of for over a year (14 months) and isn't doing much to find another job and he makes every excuse why each job isn't for him. He lives off a military retirement and unemployment. We live in my house. I'm paying all the bills (except cable). He seems totally cool with letting me pay everything. He has had a recent bankruptcy and so has no car either, so we drive mine. He spends almost all day on the computer looking for guitars and stuff. He recently bought a guitar and hid it from me. He had promised me he'd make a payment on something we got for the house and instead he bought himself a guitar! He never pays me back for anything. I've loaned him money for his bankruptcy, and for his custody battles with his ex and he never has paid me back. I am totally miserable with him. Our sex life has gone to nothing and he doesn't seem to care about that either. I have suggested him seeing a doctor about depression and his sexual problems and he isn't inclined to go. He doesn't want to take any medicine for depression because "I don't know what it'll do to me". Yet, he smokes like a fiend and we all know what that does to you! I want to break up with him but feel like I'll be kicking someone when they're down. No job, no money, no car.... where is he going to go? Advice please! S
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bankrupt, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, military, money, sex life, smokes Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 February 2010):
The problem is he's in a rut. No one blames you for feeling guilty. But he's not adding anything to your life. He's just sucking it all away, and no matter how guilty you feel, it's not nearly as bad as you'll feel if you stay with him and let him continue to suck you in. Take a brave step and move on. Good luck!!
A
female
reader, SoSueMe +, writes (11 February 2010):
SoSueMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you guys for your advice. I feel just like CaringGuy said, like he's sucking me down into a black hole. I'm depressed now too. Plus financially he's draining me too, with lending money etc. All I want is peace and to be happy and instead I'm contantly worried and sick of him sitting home doing nothing while I work and worry! I needed to hear your advice and thanks for taking the time! S
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Yes, CaringGuy I feel exactly like that, like he's sucking me down into his pit. Emotionally and financially. I've got to just tell him to get a job and go find his own place. But, I can't tell you I don't feel guilty. We've been seeing each other for 5 years. Thanks for the advice, I need to hear it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 February 2010):
He's not doing anything for you at all. All he's doing is taking and sucking you dry. You need to move on and find someone positive before he sucks you into his little black hole too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Actually, you may be doing him and yourself a favour by letting him go. He'll need to get himself together. And that won't happen until you are there to pick up after him.
If you want to make it work... and feel bad or feel that there is something worth saving, put him out of the house and give him an ultimatum about the relationship.
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A
female
reader, aprice1 +, writes (11 February 2010):
 OMG! He seems to not be helping you at all--I know you might feel bad if you leave him but whats more important? your happiness or his? He's not even making you happy? Are you really in love with him? Is that where the sympathy comes in? YOur decision is yours to make but,, sometimes people need a slap in the face now and then to really get focused in life--I think he needs one...You need someone positive in your life, not someone who is constantly stressing you.
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