A
female
age
36-40,
*ilence_matters
writes:Ive been with a wonderful man for the past 6 months now.We are both mature and are generally happy.He gives me the respect I deserve and I dont have much to complain except, he lacks affection (he isnt a selfish man if you see where I'm coming from), Ive spoken to him in this regard today and he explained;"I am falling in love with you but due to my experience with my ex, I don't trust anybody at all, I cant give you what you want right now but all I ask for is some time, dont expect me to trust you instantly"Now I understand this, hes had a very bad experience with his ex (she constantly cheated on him) however I cant help but feel as if my integrity is being questioned as I am a very loyal person.I like him alot and have the patience to wait but I cant help but feel its abit unfair that Im having to face the consequences of what is a bad past experience.Any advice?I must reiterate, I am very happy with him but the lack of affection is bothering me and at times I do feel unloved and cant help but wish that he would openly trust me.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Hmm, I wonder if his ex cheated on him because HE was not affectionate other than sex?
Cheating is not justifiable, but I can understand why a woman would look elsewhere if she was painfully lonely and craving more attention other than sex.
First, I think he is right that you pressuring him to trust you DOES push him away. The more you cling, the more he will let go.
Second, the fact that he does not show more affection outside the bedroom is very telling of his emotional intimacy. He sees no reason to kiss, hug, caress outside of his own needs. That is not a matter of trust, that is part of a persons giving nature.
Third, his comment about someone else having a better ass is just insensitive....even cruel.
I think it is more important to value a man by his actions and not is words...he is saying things like "wifey" to make you feel like you have more importance in his life, but his actions do not show that being a "wifey" is something precious.
Proceed with caution. From my own experiences, if he hasnt figured out if you are trustworthy by now..it just is not going to happen.
If you really NEED kissing, touching, hugging, hand-holding outside the bedroom, then that is your dealbreaker to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. If he has not provided that now-he wont and any asking on your part is just pressure.
Believe him when he says he can not give you want you want.
A
female
reader, silence_matters +, writes (5 August 2011):
silence_matters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had a talk last night and I said "why don't you trust me" he said he doesn't trust anybody. And I mentioned that he's pushing me away to which hiis response was "I'm not pushing you away, you are pushing yourself away, you want something I am not willing to give you"That hurt a lot.He calls me "wifey" and believes we are in a relationship, not just dating.He said he's falling in love with me but trust takes time.The fact that he's showoing less interest concerns me tbh. Currently we live in two different cities, I went to see him last week and although we had sex, I didn't see much effort on his part, he didn't cuddle or kiss (aside from during sex) me at all. Instead, he compared me to another girl and said "I'm sorry but she has a better ass than you"I stopped talking to him over this after I left but he didn't really bother much to make amendments although he did apologise and said it was a srupid reason to break it off with him.I understand his ex treated him bad but its not fair on me. Or am I being too impatient and should give him time?I've decided I won't be making extra effort towardds him, if he wants to pursue me he knows where I am, he has my number. :(
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (5 August 2011):
Does he consider the two of you to be "dating" or in a monagamous relationship?
If you approached him asking for more affection and he is letting you know that he has feelings for you, but can not give you what you need and talks about trust.
SO, there is a difference between what you asked for and what he heard? What do you think he is telling you that he can not give you NOW, and how much time does he think he needs?
If you have been dating 6 mos and he still has not figured out if you are trustworthy, then he has some big issues. If you are spending some significant amount of time with him, and the walls still have not come down just for affection (kissing, hugging, caressing that does not always lead to sex I am assuming?) then he may not be a good candidate for change, just wishful thinking.
Best WIshes
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A
female
reader, silence_matters +, writes (5 August 2011):
silence_matters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI absolutely appreciate all the advice given and understand exactly what you guys are saying but I don't understand one thing, if he's able to have sex with me then why is it hard to cuddle?
The sex is good, I have no complaints at all.
Recently he's started leaving me hanging in the midst of text conversations. I feel confused.
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A
female
reader, green eyed mulatto +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Well i understand what you are feeling as i myself have experienced this with my one year relationship with my boy friend.But he has told you that he has problems with trusting women since his ex put him through such an ordeal...and he has been honest about that! So even though you would like him to be more affectionate with you some men have to see not be told but see that you are an loyal and trust worthy person. Even though it seems unfair because of why he feels this way, if he is truly worth it to you than you will bear his concerns and wait until he is comfortable to show his softer side! It's only been six months and he is probably unsure yet if you have earned his trust no matter what you say, he will have to see and wait to be sure, it's a defense mechanism! I'm sure given a little more time as he has requested, he will give you all the affection you can stand and then some...be a little more patient and you will get what you got coming to you; much luck!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Has he made any moves forward in the 6 months you've been dating him? Even baby steps? Cos if he's been the same way the entire time, sorry to say, but that may just be who he is.
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