A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I'm 31 years old, he is 39, and I been married since I was 18, we have two girls, 2 and 6 and for years our only issue was lack of sex,until we decided to make a schedule!! and I dont know how but it worked for a few years, we were happy with our sex life. A week after my second daughter was born I felt that something wasnt right and I told my husband, well I was right, he told me he had sex with a stripper or a hooker,whatever, after fighting for days and talking about divorce, I confessed that I did cheat on him when we were dating, with a GIRL!! After talking to a friend, who basically told me that I shouldnt end our marriage for a hooker, and that most guys at some point make the same mistake, and since it was the first time that something like this happened, or at least that I know of, well,I didnt divorce him.I love our life together, and I love my girls and I still love him, he is not perfect but he is a great father, a great provider, a great man but he is also lazy, and romance for him is "teenager stuff", he is a workaholic and he says that he works like that for us, to give us the kind of life we have. One day, it was snowing pretty bad, he said he needed to go to the office, and even though his boss sent an email advising everyone not to go he went anyways, at noon I call him to ask him to come home because the weather channel said that it was gonna get pretty bad, he didnt answer, then he call me around 2 sayind that he didnt hear the phone,and of course I didnt believe him. a few days later I checked our bank acct for other reasons and noticed that he took $350 that day, he never ever have a penny in his wallet! he pays everything with his card so I ask him what he did with the money, he told me that he was a surprised blah blah and made me believe he was buying something for me, so I got bumps behind my neck and checked his wallet, briefcase, clothes and nothing suspicious until I checked his laptop and he was looking for women in craigslist, then I checked his email acct, (yes I did it! kill me for it if you want! )and there it was! and email from a girl saying that she was waiting for him in this hotel and that she only expected 350 ROSES! I wanted to kill him, my heart just broke in pieces and again we were fighting every single night, he told me that he didnt do anything and that he went to the hotel and he couldnt do it and he went back to the office, which I dont believe, and he had the nerve to tell me that he felt that he could not apologize because he didnt have sex with her! Later, he apologize for saying that and for doing it again, he begged me not to leave him and he asked for a 2nd chance and here I am but... its been five months and our life is miserable fighting almost every night,I can not trust him Im not the woman I was, Im bitter and unhappy, bikering all the time for anything, everything he does or say bothers me or make me suspicius, I think he looks and he wants every woman in the street and that makes so mad, and I just want to run away, but I feel like I can not leave him because my daughters will be devasted without him, especially the oldest one, they love him so much and also Im scared. I dont deserve this, im not perfect but Im a good wife and good mother, I still young, I want somebody to make me feel love and apprecciated.I resent him so much I cannot forgive him but I will miss him too. Sometimes I think he loves me, but he never kiss me, or hug me or make me feel desire, he says that how can he get romantic with me if Im always fighting, and when he try to be nice it makes me feel he is doing it so I can forgive him or to make me stay. I tried to stop the fighiting and we have our good days and we make out and have sex and go out and have fun but that is only on the weekends during the week he doesnt even kiss me or touch me or hug me, he says that he has more responsabilities in his job because he fired most of his staff due to the economy and he is always tired and stress out but I think his job is more important that our relationship and that make us fight and the jelousy the bickering and the fear of him having or looking for something else come back to me and I wasnt like that but can't help it. I know that he doesnt want to divorce me, but how do I know that is just for the girls? I think he doesnt love me and if he does why he doesnt touch me or kiss me or make love to me, I just want to feel love, I want him to ask me for forgiveness and really mean it, I want him to make me feel that Im the world for him, that he is really sorry for what he did, but if I tell him this is going to be like he is doing it because I told him to, I want to feel that i can trust him but he just doesnt help, his attitude is that he just want me to shut up and pretend we are happy and that is not what i want. I want to feel happy and sane again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm doing the everything I can to make this work again, or at least I'm trying, it's hard because I cannot forgive him,not yet, but the fights, the yelling, and my mean attitud towards him are stopping more and more, he is doing the same, he even made an appt with a counselor for next week, and he is doing things that I'd never thouhgt that he could, he is more loving and very patient with me, he is also working from home most days, I'm trying to believe that he is really trying and that he is true but it is hard, but he understands this and we both know that this is not something we are going to fix in three days or three weeks, it takes time. I will not put off my trip, I'd been planning this for two years now, I deserve this, I need some time alone, I really need it, we'll see what happens next. Both times, he did it, I was 15min away, his office is very close, so I dont think he needs me to be 5000 miles away to do it again, I's already enough for me to be thinking all the time about the possibility of him cheating on me again to now start putting my life off to be here checking on him and making sure he doesnt do it. I love him, I love my family, and I want us to be together but if we are going to continue our marriage I need to start living my life for me, not for us and I dont want sound selfish but since we married I breathe for him and now for my kids, it is time to do it for me too. I'm hoping we could save this, but if we cannot, well at least I tried, I'm not so scared right now of failing, I'm proud of trying and I'll leave with my head real high.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): can you risk being away from him while on tour. isn't this an open invitation to him to sow his wild oats while you are out of the country. personally i think at this crucial time you just cannot go away becasue he will not be faithful to you during this absense. its your call but plse try to put off your trip if you want to save what is left of your "marriage". perhaps no. 1 priority will be marriage counselling instead of the trip. this man is a walking cheating adulterer, if you leave now , it just cements as one. one thing you can be guaranteed, once the wife is away , your man will play.
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A
male
reader, aerial +, writes (20 June 2009):
Hmmm, male here answering your question. I think he wants the cake and eat it too. I am one that if my wife selected infidelity, see ya. I would not be able to handle it. But again, that is just me. I know how you feel, you love your mate and do not want to disrupt your family. However, first with a whore than one from Craig's List (advertising for free)? How long will it be before you end up with a disease that he had the fun with? Once, apologize, you forgive and dedicate your self to your family and your relationship feeling relieved that your wife was tall enough to be able to forgive you. Twice, I personally would serve him divorce papers and say on your way out the door "You slut!, see ya". Again those are my thoughts. As far as your children, I know you don't want to hurt them but there is not better answer than the truth depending on their age. Especially since he does not give you any respect at home or even attempt to create intimacy between the two of you. Do you think he would consider counseling? The best of luck on this one. It is a tough one? Why would he have sex with some stranger when he knows he has a loving wife at home?
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (18 June 2009):
 Well he talks a good game at least. Take everything that he told you and write it down on a piece of paper, then hide that paper for three months. If you look at that paper three months from now and he hasn't fulfilled anything he told you, then get going. Sure, you might end up lonely and it will be hard for your daughters to see their father if you're in another country. (You'll need a good custody agreement.) Then again, you might not end up lonely; you might end up meeting someone else who won't cheat on you. Personally I feel life is too short to stay with someone I resent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, Im a stay-a-home-mum but I have my own money, I work before my second daughter was born, I'd been saving money in offshore acct and I have a bussines in another country, so I know I can provide for us, money is not what I fear, is to be alone, is missing him, is seing my daughters suffer, is raising them alone, is wondering is I made the right choice or not or if I give up too quickly, also I want to mention that if we get divorce I'll leave the country, so he will not be around for my girls on the weekends or anytime they need him, and I'll leave because I only have him in this country, I have a bussiness, a house and my family in my country. I want a happy life for us, seeing friends or relatives getting divorce,and seeing what their kids are going through scared me. Today, he came for lunch and we talked, he said willing to seek counseling, he said that we love me and he doesnt want me to leave, he said that he understands me and that he wants to do anything to stop fighting and to start being like we were before and that he will show more affection, he also said that he will try not to bring his job home and he will try to work normal hours but how can I know he is just telling me this so I dont leave? Also I going alone on a tour for Europe next month, he wasnt happy with it, he didnt want me to go, but now he said it's okay and that he understand I need to be alone, he also wants to go away with just me for a weekend when I come back or before I leave, I just dont know if is worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): the saying " you deserve what you tolerate" has never been more apt here. you caught him only twice, how many more times has he had sex with other women. you know he will continue.
you are making excuses about your kids. they will survive this divorce. it is you that is holding on to him, even though you know the truth. so plse you will do more damage to your kids by blaming them for staying in this marriage. i think you know what the real answer is and you are just so scared to act on it. if you do not , you will still be miserable, and you will lode yor will to lead a fullfilled life. you are crying out for love and affection. he doesn't give it to you. well, he is giving it to someone since he has a high sex drive and you know he is willing to pay for it. he blatantly disrespects you and sadly you have been a fool for so long. now that you know the truth about his infidelity what are you going to do. marriage counselling? this works only if copuples make a conserted effort to be faithful. from his behaviour he doesn't want to remain monogamous.
the real question is:
-do you remain in your marriage, knowing that you are sharing him.
- have you though about STDS/STI'S. yes, he may be using condoms but hey, he will get careless. get a check up.
- marriage counselling? would he even go for help.
- his total disrespect for you and your marriage. when do you say enough is enough.
- financial freedom - are you a stay at home mum- if so, time to change this. you need tostart earning a living, and start saving. he is playing away, lets be realistic and lets not hide this fact. you need extra money for the future. kids can have a nanny/ go to playschool. look at the alternatives.
-if you are prepared to turn a blind eye to him having sex with others, then you should not complian. if you want to regain your self pride, then you need to make major changes.
- start valuing yourself and get a purpose in life.
- your kids will survive this seperation/ divorce. stop using them as an excuse.
- its ok to feel unsure and want to hold on to this marriage for selfish reason. but just admit it. be truthful. it is only human to feel all this emotions and be scared for yourself, the kids. you do not want to lose your home and all the finacial perks he is providing. then do your homework. discretly. consult a lawyer. know what you are entitled to. know what you will lose. be realistic. it will be a really big step if you decide to leave him. when you do, know this- it can only get better. yes it will hurt and perhaps devastate you. but at least you will be freed from this selfish cheating man. you need to make this decision and make peace with it. it will be a painful decision but a necessary one. you have accepted his lies thus far, doesn't take a genius to figure out about he 350 roses and the 350 cash. he spent so much on his whore, do you think he did not have sex with her? maybe you are scared to admit the truth. but you know what he is up to.
your hb doesn;t want a dovorce - after all he has it all because you have been his doormat wife for so long. he has his sex and comes home to a faithful wife. and his kids, and then he goes out again to these other women. you have not been enough for him for so long. you need to threaten this divorce, so that he knows you mean business. he would never ask for forgiveness, why? because he believe he is not doing anything wrong. he is also emotionally abusing you. you have shut up for so long, and you continue . you also pretend. and so does he. make belief and pretend that all is well.
what you do is up to you. i can just tell you what i feel. you are living this unbearable life. and if you continue it will destroy you even more. currently, you are about to snap. if you do nothing, the saying :you deserve what you tolerate" will hold true.
take care
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (18 June 2009):
I think marriage counseling would be a good idea at this point. He has already cheated on you twice, which is enough to kill the love and respect in the best of marriages. Sure, he's stressed, but everyone is stressed these days and it doesn't give him license to go behind your back and cheat on you or treat you like background scenery.If he will not go to counseling, go by yourself. Perhaps it will help you figure out the next step.Good luck.
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