A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a predicament that I've brought on myself.I have a partner of 12 years. He is good to me, I love him, but not in the way that I feel I should. There was never the initial attraction. I was in a bad place at the time and he was there. Our relationship just developed and I just went along with it. We don't live together but he stays at mine several times a week. He doesn't earn much and is bad at saving. In every other way he is perfect.For the last 5 years I have been having a fling of sorts. The other man lives 400 miles away and I see him maybe three times year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a week. He too has a partner. Neither of us can understand why we can't let each other go. We've slept together only once which was mind blowing. I cannot even begin to explain the feelings I get about this man. Yet I would not want a relationship with him. I know what he can get up to behind his partners back (hypocritical, I know) but he is selfish and immature in other ways. I want more than anything to feel about my boyfriend, the way I do about my fling. I want the whole family life in a cosy home which I know I could have tomorrow with my partner but I won't move in with him until the other one is out of my life. While I know what I'm doing is wrong, it would be even more wrong to do it when living together. I want to feel that spark about him, to feel as passionate about him as I do with the other but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I went a year without speaking to the other one but we ended up bumping into each other at an airport and it all started again.My question is this; what can I do to make myself feel excited about my boyfriend? And how can I remove the emotional attachment to the other? Any help or advice would be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2014): You are preventing your own progress. Your life is on hold? Neither men are what you want to commit to.. but jointly and individually they fill a need. Simply put ditch Mr Exciting and do it cleanly and decisively. Then you have a clear head to decide on Mr Safe. Can you live this lie for another year? You have a fantasy it's time to mature and create a reality.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (25 December 2014):
Dear OP,
Other people might disagree with me, but my honest opinion is:
If there was no initial spark from your side and you're still not living together after 12 years.. forget it. You'll never ever feel this excitement about your boyfriend. If the passion was never there, there's no magic trick to make it arise after 12 years. Just won't happen anymore. Your body and mind told you from the start that he's a good person, but not really a man you feel passionate about.
And, if I may be even more honest, that other guy is not the right one for you, either, because he's selfish and immature.
Which leads me to my advice: Accept the harsh reality of your love life as it is. You're stuck with two guys who you are only half-way committed to. You live with neither of them, and you don't feel perfectly fine around one or the other. This may not even be a dilemma between two men, this might be a dilemma between staying in your comfort zone.. or taking a risk, leaving behind the dissatisfying situation and look for someone who will feel like real passion and love. Someone you don't know yet.
It's not an easy choice, and depending on your character and your situation you need to think hard about it. I hope that you can find your way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): You are basically using your long term BF.
Think about everything that your BF does for you. Past, present, and future. If you weren't with him then you would be forced to seek EVERYTHING you want from both men in Mr. Exciting. That would get old really fast because Mr. Exciting isn't offering anything else besides excitement. You would quickly get turned off and burned out on him.
Instead you take what your BF has to offer you, lie to him about your feelings & faithfulness, and cheat with another guy. Your BF cannot possibly measure up to this other guy because you only ask this other guy to do what he does best while you ask your BF to do everything. Then you complain because no matter how much your BF can offer, someone else on earth is better at some part of the entire package than he is. How is your BF supposed to compete with that? He can't.
In fact you literally make it impossible for your BF to be that exciting because the thrill of the forbidden part really adds to the other guy's allure. How can a guy possibly be as "exciting" of a choice when you have another guy on the side he doesn't know about? You lose some respect for your BF because of what you can get away with, it's impossible for you not to. Your BF cannot demand that respect back (which might spark a bit more feelings from you) because he doesn't know he is getting played for a fool, because he trusts & is faithful to you.
Your BF deserves better. If you stay with him then at least have enough respect to tell him the truth (about everything) and let him make his own choice. This is his life too.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 December 2014):
 You need to add the same thrills and sense of danger to your current relationship ....... if you can talk your boyfriend into marrying some other woman so he can then cheat on her with you would be a good start .........
Seriously though, the excitement you feel is because you are doing something risky, and random, doing something different to the ordinary everyday stuff you normally do. There is also an element of being able to feel superior to another woman, in this case the unsuspecting wife, who deals with her everyday stuff like washing dirty undies and rolling his socks into pairs while you are able to indulge in a touch of the fantasies.
Give yourself a wake up call, or a slap up the side of your head, tell yourself to get a grip. If your current partner isn't the one you want to be with for ever and ever then break up with him and give him a chance to find somebody who WILL appreciate him for who he is ......... somebody who isn't mooning over a fairy tale that never will be.
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