A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in such a mess and it's my own fault.I met a guy whilst on holiday in Spain 6 years ago and we fell for each other immediately. We had a LDR for a few years and then he came to live here in the Uk and found himself a job teaching (he was a teacher over in Spain). The thing is the last 2 years my feeling for him have changed. For example, every half term he flys back to Spain to see his family and I love the fact I have the house to myself for 1-2 weeks and always feel irritated knowing he's coming back. I don't miss him when's he's away.What I can't understand us that he treats me so nice and looks after me. Cooks dinner and helps with the chores and pays his way.He's never once raised his voice to me- even when I provoke him. I know I'm lucky to have him and there a few decent men out there but I don't think I love him anymore.Part of the reason why I haven't left him yet is that I'm scared if I do I will regret it- I have a little doubts now and again about whether to leave him or not. AlsoI feel guilty as he started a new life here for me.We are engaged and our families keep trying to get us to set a date- which he wants to do but I'm reluctant.How do I get out of this relationship without causing too much distress for everyone?My parents adore him and his parents have always treated me like a princess but I can't force feelings that aren't there.I confided in my friend who asked if I could go back in time, 6 years ago, would I get involved with him? My immediate answer was no.Help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): It's not your own fault, if you could make yourself love him you would, you can't help how you feel.
OP it's time to bite the bullet and the way you make sure it's as painless as possible is by sticking to your guns and not changing your mind once you do.
You know the type of thing I'm talking about, the pain of the break up becomes too much, your mind starts playing tricks on you and it seems to have been the worst idea ever. Do not play on/off games with this guy, just let him go. From what you're saying he deserves happiness and so do you, so the longer you leave this, OP, the longer you cheat him out of time to get over you and find another partner.
Do what you have to do and make it final. Do not let this drag on for years, while you change your mind due to false regret. There will be times when you look back and think "what the hell have I done?" because he's such a good guy, but it'll be false and it'll just be the loneliness and break up pain talking.
If you're finding it hard to reconcile how many hearts you'll break once you do, then you need to realise two things. First their hearts are already broken, it's just up to you when they find that out. Second it's not you breaking anyone's heart or hurting anyone, it's quite simply a situation you have no control over. You will feel bad, OP, it'll hurt like hell but letting this drag out is very unfair on him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): on the contrary, the longer you stay with him you are hurting him more because in effect you are lying to him.So as the other poster said, just end it a.s.a.p.
If you marry him out of pity you will only complicate things more for the future. let him go while there is still time for him to find someone new. You too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Have you asked yourself why you don't love him? Is it a lack of sexual chemistry? He appears to tick all the right boxes so I'm assuming it's something like that?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Just end it as soon as possible. There is no easy way.
You need to set him free to find somebody new and stop living a lie.
You have given it a go, it hasn't worked, you need to be true to yourself. If you are unhappy then you have no choice
You may or may not find a man who is as good to you but if you love him you won't care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I really feel for you. My last relationship was 12 years long and I wish I had ended it within the first year. What I learnt was that I should have listened carefully to my own feelings and trusted myself to act on them rather that evaluate the situation on what people outside perceive things to be and how I could disappoint them. You are fortunate that you both do not have children and he can always return back to Spain if he wanted, the experience of living and working abroad for him could be seen as a gifted opportunity for him that happened as a result of meeting you. He may choose to stay in the country with or without you. As for you, you may need to now look forward and seek what you are looking for in a partner and whether its something that your current partner can provide you, if not seek it elsewhere. Just because things are ok you don't have to settle if you know that they can be better.
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A
male
reader, dates +, writes (7 April 2014):
Its always sad to leave a relationship but sooner is better in this case cause u clear no longer love him, don't waste ur time or his by dragging this out
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): It is what it is.
You just have to be honest with him about your feelings.
It would be kinder to let him know sooner rather than later, before he invests any more time in a relationship that is not going anywhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Plain and simple, stop dragging it out. You're blaming yourself for this but in my eyes, this isn't your fault. He made the decision to come and live here, not you, you may have expressed an interest in that decision, but at the end of the day, he made the choice. As for the family, they'll get over it. As you said, 'you can't force feelings that aren't there'. The longer you last, the harder it will be for you and him. Your immediate answer when you friend asked was no, so stick with that, stop thinking what if. You've already said you'd never do it again so stop now!Just go to him and explain how you're feeling, explain that you think he's a lovely guy with fantastic traits, but something isn't working. Give him back his ring and call it off. Give him a good amount of time to get his things together and find a place and then it's done. But don't back down if he asks you to come back because all you're doing is hurting and confusing him. Stick with your original answer of no.
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